Foot and ankle hurting

Foot and ankle hurting

I really wanted to get out of the house today, but my ankle and foot were really hurting me today. I woke up in pain, took some meds and fell back to sleep. My back was also hurting, which it never does so I hope I didn’t over do it on Monday going for that long walk. So I just decided after therapy I was going to stay in and go back to sleep. Trouble was, I couldn’t friggin sleep. Brain was on high power and I couldn’t shut it down. Didn’t help that voices were ramped up. They were curious on what I was talking about with my therapist.

I talked to my therapist about my diagnosis. She said that I could be either Bipolar II or III. Great. More confusion of what my diagnosis is. But she doesn’t have the latest DSM and neither do I. I usually buy one just to keep abreast of the diagnostic criteria for certain disorders but this time I am not going to buy one because, I can’t afford it. It’s like 80 bucks or more. I haven’t even looked at the price on amazon. Nor do I want to.

I am glad I didn’t go out today as it is hot out. I didn’t have coffee today. I just didn’t feel like making it. Besides, I thought I would be going to Starbucks later in the afternoon. I suppose I could have left the house and gone to the post office. That wouldn’t have been too strenuous. I need to send my book to my editor as a thank you. I will try and do it tomorrow when I go out and meet my friend for coffee. I haven’t seen my friend in a couple of years now, though we usually just keep in touch via email. I am really looking forward to meeting her.

I have been feeling frustrated lately. I can’t seem to get it out of my head just how suicidal I was a month ago. I was reading my journal and there was no indication in what I was writing that I was suicidal until the 21st of July. Then things went from bad to worse. I still feel out of it at times. And the fact that I stayed so long in the hospital was a bit frustrating because nothing got done while I was there. I still felt like my needs weren’t attended to. No wonder people often attempt after a hospitalization. They feel hopeless when they get admitted and still continue to feel that way after they get discharged. My therapist has a packet of letters of my admission. She is going through them slowly but surely. It documents my stay and the treatment or lack there of, that I received. Even when I told them I was experiencing PTSD symptoms, all they told me to do was to take deep breaths. Not helpful.

I still don’t know how I am alive today. I am beyond amazed. But yet most people don’t realize just how suicidal I can be. And it doesn’t take much to get pushed in that direction. I don’t know if I am suicidal now but I know that it wouldn’t take much for me to do something. Today my niece called me a woman and I wanted to say something but I held back. No need to confuse her. I don’t ever think I will be called a man.

I slept pretty good last night, even though I still had some weird dreams. But I feel so tired right now I could fall right asleep. My brain is shutting down for some reason. Maybe the pain meds are finally hitting me. I am in a lot of pain and I have noticed that when I am, I can’t think straight. It’s like I go into another dimension or something. Maybe I just dissociate because I am hurting too much. I have done that more than a few times. Sometimes, when the pain is this bad, I will think my ankle is someone else’s, that it doesn’t belong to me. Pain changes you and no one knows it because they don’t see it. Sure, expensive tests will reveal the damage (fMRI’s can detect these changes) but not everyone can afford them. Doctors won’t order the tests because these changes that are seen, are seen through research only and don’t really have clinical value, meaning even if revealed, won’t change a clinical course for the patient. It is just so frustrating to live in chronic pain all the time. But I just take what works for me and hope that tomorrow I can go out to meet my friend. It is going to be an early day for me but that is ok. I have no plans for the afternoon, aside from writing my blog.