A Tired Ramble

A tired ramble

I should be sleeping but I am fighting sleep right now. All the bad thoughts are coming out. I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit. I need a haircut badly as my head itches. I don’t think cutting my hair is going to solve the problem (it’s dry scalp) but least I will feel human again.

Snow has hit the city where I live pretty hard. We have a travel ban in effect and the governor has stopped public transportation from running. Essentially, I am trapped in my house. I hope that it is all cleaned up by Thursday so I can have lunch with my high school friend. I know we are going to talk about my book. He is taking me to a Thai restaurant in the Back Bay. It must be a new place as it wasn’t there when I went to school. Or maybe it was and I just never went there because I didn’t like Thai back then.

My pain levels are excruciating, too. Which is why I cannot just shut the light off and go to sleep. Pain that was in my leg but now is in my foot. It is dancing around, all over the place, with the same intensity like a hot poker stick. I just took some pain meds so I hope that calms it down. I also took some Ativan to calm the fuck down. I don’t know why I am so damn anxious but I am. I know part of it is because I haven’t talked to my therapist in a week. She had to cancel today’s session because, well, like I said, everything was shut down. I don’t know how she is going to get into her office but whatever. She canceled for tomorrow’s session because school is closed but is going to try and have some evening time. I guess it all depends on if she can get child care for her daughter.

I emailed my pdoc again because I need refills for my meds. I got no answer from the one I sent the other day. I am getting frustrated with her!! This is sucks that she is out of the office and I can’t see her and then when I email her, I get no response. What the fuck kind of patient care is that?? I am so bullshit!!

Then tonight I decide to read Uncle Tom’s cabin and this little girl I fell in with dies. I have been in tears for the past hour. It was so sad that she died. I think she had some kind of heart condition. But then, the author didn’t elaborate on the illness nor was the medicine back in the early 1800s very good at diagnosing difficult ailments. Her father is heartbroken and her mother, who was a basket case to begin with, is playing the part of grieving mother. I just want to slap the mother silly as she just wants sympathy from all her servants and no one else can show sympathy. Beecher-Stowe really is a good writer, better than I could ever be.

I have been up since 0430. It’s now almost 0100. I am dog tired. I should be passed out by now. I spent some time reading today. I read a hundred pages in my civil war book and then I read a “dictionary” called the definition of suicide by Shneidman. Holy hell this man uses big words. I am glad I know the language so I can follow along (I have read his stuff before so I know his terminology), but some of it I am like really?? The word is archaic now and he is using it?? He was a funny person. I wish I got to know him better before he died.

Today is my best friend’s birthday. I wish I was in Chicago to celebrate with him.

I haven’t heard from my problem blogger in a few weeks. I hope that means she is gone. And if she comments to say she is around, I will just delete it. I don’t need her negativity in my life. I hate when people try to push their beliefs on to you and think their way of thinking is right and the ONLY way to get “better”. I don’t need that in my life. Never have and never will.

My Twitter followers is strange. The numbers will go up and then the numbers will go down. I had 343 followers. Now I have 349. I think I will have 345 by the time I look back on it tomorrow. I think it is probably bots that follow, not real people. If they are real people, and I don’t follow back (I won’t follow unless I know them or they meet my criteria for following them, which is basically working in the mental health community, a baseball lover, or something else that attracts me). If they are just authors looking for endorsements or life coaches looking to save my soul, I won’t follow back and if they become problems, I block them. Like there is this one guy that is “cured” of fibromyalgia. I don’t know how anyone can be cured of that ailment as they only just recently been able to treat the condition and give it a name! But whatever works for him, might not work for everyone. HA, speaking of Twitter, I just got a book app that is now following me! I had a book promotion thing following me for a while. But it costs like 9 bucks for just 3 days of pushing my book. I wasn’t going to waste my money on something that might not work. If I get extra money, I might do it to see if it pans out but my writing partner says it is extremely hard to promote a book and sell it. I am lucky that I sold 5 books this month. Next month I probably won’t sell any.

Meds are finally kicking in. Here is hoping I don’t wake up again around 0430.