Push 2

Push

I have been in a Matchbox 20 mood for the past hour and this song keeps hitting every time it comes on. The lyrics just speak to me. I can’t describe it.

I was skimming the SPSM chat tonight. One of the tweeters tweeted an article that was for ESPN about a 19 year old that died by suicide and actually wrote how she died. I found the image disturbing and the article was a little glorifying the person’s death, which is why she had a problem with it. I couldn’t finish reading the article. After they said how she died and was struggling with college, I lost interest in what the rest of the article was about. All I could think about was my niece who is 19 and I am wondering if she is struggling with depression, too. She is at an expensive college and I wonder if that pressure is getting to her because she wants to live on her own. We have never talked about my illness but she knows that I struggle with depression and suicide as she has read my NY Times article. Least I think she knows. She is my protective factor. I am still around because I know my loss would devastate her.

Been looking at the new story that I wrote the other night. I don’t know if I should write more or type it up so I can see what it looks like. I know there is some repetition in it, so that has to come out. My fear is that I will type it up, it will be short, and I can’t continue to write. It will stop where ever it ended and that is it. The longer it sits on my bed, the longer it is hanging over my head. I was in a writing mood earlier but decided to check Twitter and got lost there. Damn you, Twitter!

When I placed my last grocery order, I ordered Red Baron’s deep dish pizza. I got Stouffer’s French bread instead. It’s comparable, but not the same. But I got a nice credit on my order so I was happy with that. If I had known I got Stouffer’s I would have given it back to the delivery guy, but he had already left. Pizza is my favorite food so I am not too disappointed. French bread is pretty good. I really would love to have Pizzeria Uno’s deep dish pizza. That I haven’t had in ages. I don’t even know where one is anymore. I know they sell it in the frozen food isle but mostly it’s pepperoni and I just want cheese. I am not one for toppings on my pizza. Plain old cheese is perfect. I will occasionally get pepperoni but it’s rare. If I order from Domino’s, it will be Hawaiian pizza on a cracker. That is my favorite. I haven’t had that pizza in a long time. I will get a Molten cake when I order it. It’s super yummy.

I texted my therapist to see if there was a way to see her tomorrow. Mondays are not her good days. But I am always hopeful she will have a cancellation. I wrote her a letter last night before I went to bed. I have no idea what I wrote. It was two pages long. I am debating making it a blog so she can read it or sending it to her via snail mail. I will have to get stamps as all I have are Harvey Milk ones and I am down to my last few. If I don’t talk with her tomorrow, I will have to wait till Tuesday. That will suck because I feel like talking with her about this weekend.