it’s 0600

It’s 0600

I woke up about a half hour ago from a weird dream. I was supposed to be making a tuna fish sandwich but instead there were bugs in the container. This didn’t phase me and I resolved to eat them, but as I fix the “fish” the way I like it, one of the bugs started talking to me. It was like we had to have a chat before I ate it. In the dream was Richard Dean Anderson. We were talking about his military service (from Stargate). It was a really strange dream that has me unsettled. The bugs were not usual bugs. They had unusual characteristics, like the bugs you saw on Disney’s Lion King where Timone says “tastes like chicken” while he is preparing Simba’s plate of bugs. I don’t know why I have been having strange dreams lately. I haven’t been eating anything weird or doing anything different. But at least I am reaching REM sleep. I feel rested and alert but I did wake up in pain. I took my pain meds and hoping I get back to sleep in about a half hour.

Dell called me yesterday to see if my system is working properly. I missed the call because as usual, the one time I leave my phone in my room, I get a phone call. They then sent me an email. I plan on responding later today.

I was reading a book on bipolar disorder last night. The chapter I was reading was on sleep and internal clocks. It said that sleep deprivation isn’t good for bipolar because it can set off hypomania or mania. If that were true, I would be super manic by now. They did suggest that sleeping from 1800 to 0200 might help mood. I am going to try and see if that works. Maybe it will reset my clock and I won’t have these weird sleeping hours, or sleep for longer periods than 3 hours here and 4 hours there. I can’t remember a night where I slept 6 or more hours.

I was going through “Suicide as Psychache” and found that Shneidman wrote the same line at least four times so far. I was able to find a quote for tomorrow as I got finished with his aphorisms. I was thinking of quoting the commonalities of suicide but I already have a blog about that. And there are ten of them that must be taken together or it just doesn’t make sense. I have to read the next chapter sometime today. I am not sure if I will be going out. It’s supposed to rain and I don’t like traveling in the rain unless I absolutely have to. I am craving a latte or a mocha, however so maybe I will brave the weather and go to Starbucks. I should really rest my ankle as the walking to pick up my niece last night really hurt. But I am starting to feel cooped up as I haven’t left the house since Monday.

There are some baseball movies that I want to buy from Amazon. They are relatively cheap, no more than five bucks each. I think it will be nice to watch them. A friend of mine also wants me to watch “Princess Bride”. I have never watched this movie from beginning to end. I have seen parts of it. It’s an okay movie and really funny. I am not a movie person at all. I rather read a book so there are a ton of movies that I have not seen. It’s hard when someone makes a reference to a movie and I am clueless. One movie that I really would love to see again and own is Stand By Me. I haven’t seen that movie in years. It is a great movie and has my favorite actor in it, Wil Wheaton. I was following their tweets via text but they (he and his wife) tweet a lot during the day. It wasn’t even funny stuff like it was before. I guess they get a lot of stupid people’s tweet that insult them. I find that it’s harsh. I feel bad about it but then they keep posting it and I just had to stop the texts. There were more texts from them in a span of an hour than anything. Now my phone is silent and I like that, least for now. I like following his wife because she posts pictures of their animals and they are really cute.

I have therapy today. I hope it goes well.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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