Another tiring day of Pain

Another tiring day of pain

I woke up late today because I went to bed after 0100. I am glad I didn’t stay up till 0200 because that usually means I am up all night. But I slept good and till 0830. I think it was the first time I slept so soundly. I did wake up wanting coffee. I was hoping it would keep me awake but soon after I finished it, I was so damn tired. My ankle was also hurting me so I decided to take some pain meds. I stayed up only long enough to watch the first half of the OSU game. Then it was beddy bye time. I put my phone on vibrate and fell asleep. It was a good nap but now I feel like I can go back to sleep. I might just do that. Being in pain just wears you out.

I had a dream that I went back to the hospital where I worked. I had to go to the bathroom really bad but the first bathroom that I entered was out of order. There were leaks everywhere. I called maintenance before I tried to find another bathroom on the floor. I did and then I went to have supper with my mother. There was a ton of barbequed food on the table, ribs, chicken, pork. Some in one kind of barbeque sauce or another. As I started filling my plate, I woke up. No food for me. I did have to go to the bathroom really bad when I woke up so I went. As I went downstairs my mother told me she made pasta with sauce. I didn’t feel like having that. My stomach is feeling full. I wish I had the BBQ’d stuff, but that was just a dream.

I read this morning, “American Gods”. There is a lot of sex in this book. It should have come with a warning that it was very adult material. I am moving along in the book. Out of 500 pages, I just passed 200. It’s an interesting story but you still don’t know where you are going to end up. There is some kind of god war going on and so these people that have lived for hundreds of years are getting killed. The part I just read was about a mortuary brothers. One of the brothers did a form of autopsy. As he was doing so, he would cut slices of the liver, heart and other organs and then eat them. I shuddered. Gaiman is a very compelling writer. You don’t know what to expect when you are reading this book. They will be making this book a movie. I just hope they don’t show the part I just described. It will be too weird.

I told my psych that my PCP is leaving. She is sorry about it. She asked who was taking over and I gave her the name I was given. Maybe she can email her and break the ice for me so I don’t have to. We’ll see. Monday I have to call my repro endo doc to get more of the hormone pill as I ran out of refills. It’s been more than a year since I saw her and I hope I don’t have to see her again. She makes me nervous because she is nervous. I hate having to see her but I can’t get the pill from my PCP because the pill is to stop my periods and he isn’t familiar with that. I realized the pill isn’t even on my list of medications. I don’t know if it ever was on my list. Seems like every time I see a doc the list gets shorter or longer without my knowledge.

Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. She will be celebrating it at the casinos. She asked if I wanted to come and I told her no. Can’t play if you have no money. I haven’t been to the casinos in a very long time. I think the last time I went was when my therapist told me she was pregnant and that was more than ten years ago. I don’t stay long. I drive down the two hours it takes to get here and then have my fun. When the money runs out, I leave. One time I went there and I won a significant amount on my first try. I wasn’t there for more than twenty minutes. I turned around and went home. I didn’t want to lose what I had won.

I have lots to tell my therapist. I just hope I have enough time to tell her. I texted her the majority of what I want to talk about. The big thing is going to be losing my PCP. That was so unexpected. The only good news is that I don’t have to transfer my medical records as it is the same practice I am seeing the new doctor. I hope the new doctor has a schedule I can fit into. It will suck if every month I have to be squeezed in because I am being accommodated. These are just some of the worries that I have. And I won’t know more until I see my PCP next month to get more information on how my pain management is going to go. That is my biggest worry right now.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

One thought on “Another tiring day of Pain”

  1. Wow, I hope your new PCP can manage your meds better! My PCP can manage even specialist meds. She might make us see a specialist at first, but she has no problem taking over to manage the meds. Jessie sees her too and she writes all the scripts for the heart medication and crohn’s disease medication. I think we are very lucky to have this PCP!

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