In Pain, again

In Pain, again

I was talking to my therapist today about things that happened this morning. I sent my previous blog to my psychiatrist and got a response. I really wasn’t expecting one as she is recovering from surgery but I guess she found her way to a computer and emailed me back. I nearly broke down in tears when I read the message. I don’t know if it was because she said she knew this month was hard for me or that I was relieved that she was doing well in her recovery, but the tears were flowing. I tried stopping them because I had to go out soon and didn’t want to be a mess. I hardly ever cry and when I do, the tears don’t stop.

I took my asshole father to his appointment and the bastard kicked me in my sore leg. I am not kidding and when I complained to him, he laughed. I just hoped that we were out of there soon so I could be in a private place to talk to my therapist. The hell with him and his test results. He could die for all I care. I am so sick of his not caring, yet I am supposed to? FUCK THAT SHIT. It’s either both ways or no way.

While I was talking with my therapist, my thigh acted up. I had taken an extra baclofen to try and see if that will help the pain and discomfort I have been feeling. I guess it’s too early to tell as it was just one dose. I didn’t even do too much walking, least not as much as I did yesterday, and it still flared up on me. I know something is going on with my L3 nerve root. I am going to tell my neurosurgeon this and my PCP, though he already knows this, or should by now. Nothing is helping this pain so I know from past experience something is up with my back.

My therapist wasn’t able to read the entire blog piece that I wrote about Reasons for Living and Reasons for Dying. I don’t even remember how long it was as I was just rambling. From what she said, it was a good piece of writing. I said of course it is, I wrote it in the wee hours of the morning. She then started some mumble jumble about how I am uninhibited during those hours to write so well. I just know my best writing comes when I am tired and it’s after 2300. I really can’t sleep unless I write sometimes. Last night was one of those times. I was beyond exhausted and it was after 2300.

I so wanted to drink some whiskey when I came home but I already took my pain meds and I don’t think that would be a good idea. I really need to try and get a hold of this pain. Worse case scenario is that I break out my strong pain pills. I know I need some sleep too as I only got around three hours last night. I was too worried about oversleeping because I didn’t go to bed till after 0230. It sucks being in pain. I need chocolate. That will help my mood…