Random 167

I woke up early today around 0530. I didn’t stay up too long as I only got 5.5 hours of sleep. I had to use the bathroom and then I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I checked messages on my phone before finally passing out again. I couldn’t believe that I only slept 5.5 hours with all the medication that I took, including Nyquil.

My therapist is back and we talked. Mostly we got caught up in things. She got my letters that I sent her so she has something to read. I told her the 26th might be a day that I see her. She starred it on her calendar. She is too funny. I didn’t ask her a question that I wanted to. It slipped my mind as we were talking about so many things. I will try and ask her tomorrow.

My father called today and wanted me to come over the house to do his meds because he was going to spend a few days with his girlfriend. I get there and the plans have changed. He wasn’t going. I filled the boxes just the same. I hope that by doing so I don’t make Tuesday a regular day to go over there. Tues and Wed are my days to go to Starbucks and have “me” time. I don’t want to give that up. It will just mess up my routine.

Because of the detour of my father’s impatience, I again didn’t shower today. I was planning on doing it in the afternoon, after therapy, as I wasn’t planning on going out. I thought it would be too cold out as the temp was in the teens. I was fooled or maybe because I had a heavy winter jacket. There was no wind so that helped. I had coffee at home, which was good. I am glad I made it because it made reading my book easier. I really wanted to finish the book today but now I am tired and I don’t think I will be able to get back to it. My father always stresses me out when I go over there. I should have brought my cane but he would just laugh at me so I didn’t. I am regretting that decision as my thigh is burning. I can’t wait till I get the MRI next week.

I’m back to paying for my medications. I had a feeling with the start of the new year copays would come back. Only thing that sucks is that the generic medications went up to $20 for a 30-day supply. I am going to see if my doc can give me a 90 day supply as the cost is the same. My doc isn’t going to be happy with this because she hates the new system. I just refuse to pay extra money when I can get more. Why pay $60 for 90 days retail when I can pay $20 for mail order. I am going to drive my doc nuts.

I just had a bowel accident so was forced to shower. I feel like a dumdum because I trusted a fart. I was doing so well too with going to the bathroom even though what I thought to be a fart turned out to be crap. My streak of no accidents has ended. I just feel awful and want to crawl into a hole. I am just glad my mother isn’t home. She went downstairs to my sister’s. Great new year I am having. Just hate this bullshit.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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