Venting

Venting

I vented to FB about a blogger that was bugging me. I had to get it off my chest because it really was bothering me. I got no responses to the vent but I wasn’t looking for one.

As mentioned previously, I am reading the book “The Outsiders”. I am remembering the movie as I am reading it, even though it has been more than 20 years since I saw the movie and read the book last. I am at the part where Johnny will soon kill someone and I am hesitant to read it. It’s not a pleasant scene.

It’s official, I have a cold of some sort though I don’t feel really sick from it. I just have a miserable nose and the congestion is causing my upper teeth to hurt really bad. I have been using Afrin to unclog my nostrils but the effect is temporary at best. Then I start sneezing and I am wondering how much of the stuff I am sneezing out. All discharge is clear so I don’t have an infection. I am still taking D and drinking tea with honey. I am finally hydrated as my pee is a normal clear yellow rather than a dark orange color. I hate being sick. My lips are cracked so bad that I can’t put any moisturizers on it because it hurts and I have a bloody lip. I am really terrified that a sneeze is going to knock my back out. That is not going to be good when I get the MRI next week.

I had to refill a few prescriptions and this time it’s costing me money. I guess my free copay expired at the beginning of the year. I got to find out why one of my generic medicines is fricken $20 and the other is less than ten. I hope it’s an error. I knew I would have to pay so I have been careful with my money since my birthday. I also have my mother’s birthday coming up so I plan on getting her a sub. She loves getting an Italian sub from one of her childhood hangouts. It’s the best that I can do for her as I need to watch what I spend before the end of the month.

I feel really nervous about talking with my therapist tomorrow. Normally, I am hoping for another week off but this time, I am looking forward to our time. I need to find out about something she wrote in my birthday card to me. It’s bugging me really bad and I hope it’s not true to the extent that I think it is. I don’t plan on seeing her until the end of the month when I get paid again.

I made my phone calls today. I was on hold for a good many minutes as I knew I would be. I also reserved the Zipcar so I would have it. I have to check and make sure I have the right garage/place so I can take it. I think it is, but it’s hard to know when I don’t know the name of the garage. I requested just three hours because it shouldn’t take that long and it gives me time to get gas should I need it. Sometimes the person before me doesn’t fill up and it drives me crazy. I hate leaving a vehicle with less than a half tank of gas.

I knew I was going to be up late. I hope to be sleeping by midnight. I need to have rest but with all the tea I drank, I have to use the bathroom. Plus I drank caffeinated tea so I am kind of wired from that. I just took some pain meds because my thigh is acting up. The temp dropped another ten degrees so I am hurting. I knew I was going to be anyway from all the walking but I wasn’t expecting the temp to be in the teens. I am glad I had my mother turn up the heat as it’s nice and warm in my room. I don’t have to be putting on layers of clothes to stay warm, which doesn’t help when you have a stupid cold.

I filled my pill box. I am thinking one of these days I should rearrange where the pill bottles are so it’s easier for me to go through them. I have them spaced out all over my bureau. I should just have them in a box so I know that is what I need. Job gets done but I feel like I am playing don’t knock down dominoes because I have so many pill bottles. I honestly don’t know how I got to be on so many meds. It’s crazy that I take so many pills. I know most people with chronic conditions like me do take a lot of pills, maybe even more than I do. It just sucks because I remember the days when I was just taking two or three pills a day and now I am on four times that amount. And I take meds twice a day now where before I just took them once. I know I have to be on them if I want to survive but sometimes I wonder if it is necessary. Like being on two BP meds. Maybe a higher dose of one med would be sufficient to keep my blood pressure in check. I know losing weight will be the easier answer but I don’t see that happening. The meds I take make me hungry. I eat late at night because for some reason, after I take my meds, I feel like I am starving. And I can’t sleep on an empty stomach. If I do, I usually dream about food and wake up hungrier than I did before I went to sleep. Then the docs wonder why I can’t lose weight. They think it’s easy to control your eating but when you have meds that make you hungry, it’s kind of a losing battle.

A story is percolating around my brain. I am hoping it comes out soon. I think I am ready to write about my childhood fantasy as my mental illness short story piece. I just hope that when I do, I don’t fall back into the delusional thinking and lose track of where I am and what year I am in. I want to discuss this with my therapist first as I will need her support around this or I will become dangerously psychotic.

I never showered today. I got too congested and didn’t feel like it. I seriously need to shave and that is part of what is holding me back. It just takes so much time and it is exhausting. Then you need to shower to rinse off the hair and stuff. It always takes so much out of me when I do it. It also sucks when you are sick because you just want to get in and out. But I have neglected shaving for some time now and it’s causing me to itch and I hate it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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