Sleeping in Spurts

Sleeping in spurts

I have been sleeping in spurts all day. Now I am up and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I got a lot on my mind, mostly about making sure I get my letter in the mail tomorrow. I also have to go the opposite way to Walgreens to get some feminine stuff because I am running low and the damn menses have restarted. Fucker. Here I thought I was all done with it and lo and behold, NOT. It was a joke. I am having a light bleed, which I guess is preferable to a moderate bleed. It still messes with my head though, no matter what the flow is like. I shouldn’t be having it, period (no pun intended). I still can’t believe missing one pill caused all this havoc.

I am finally breathing out of both nostrils, least for now anyway. Earlier, I couldn’t breathe at all and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I took some Afrin to clear up my inflamed passageways. I feel better because my sinuses aren’t hurting so much. I had taken a sinus pill earlier today and that helped some but it was my last pill. I haven’t bought them in a while and I hope that I can afford them. I think it will help with the pressure I am feeling. I hope I am not coming down with a sinus infection. Those suck big time. But my nasal discharge has been clear up till this point. I just hope it doesn’t get worse.

I read Dostoevsky while I was babysitting this evening. I read two chapters and a half. I have no idea what I read other than a peasant girl who was an “idiot” got pregnant and then died after giving birth. It is unsure who the father of the child was but there is speculation that it’s the father of the Karamazov brothers. We will never know because the girl couldn’t talk and she is dead now. The baby was taken in by the father Karamazov’s servants. Talk about a twist in the book. I am just reading this book just to read it. Once I read a book, I have to finish it even if I don’t like it. And I am not really liking this book too much. I can only imagine what Crime and Punishment is going to be like.

Later today, I plan on printing out the article my friend sent me. It will be an interesting read, least I hope it will be. I might write a review if it’s interesting enough. It’s about suicide and it not being “business as usual”.

Every morning at 1 am, I get a text message from Dilbert comics. It’s the only way I can read the strip these days as it’s not in the papers anymore. It used to be a very funny comic strip but lately it’s not. Like everything else in my life, I have lost interest in it. But I still get the text in case I want to read it.

I have realized that it has been a long while since I wrote a profound blog. I have been trying to but I just haven’t been in the frame of mind. I know I have been writing saying I have been depressed but I think it’s more sadness than depression. I also haven’t been feeling melancholic, which also tends to fuel my writing. And I know I have been writing about me just wanting to die, but I haven’t been in a constricted state of mind to be suicidal. I just wish I was dead. To me that is preferable than going through the pain in my foot/ankle every single day. I no longer feel psychache. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I am just avoiding it. I am glad I am not feeling it because if I were and then that coupled with the physical pain I have been experiencing, I most certainly will be thinking of taking my life.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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