I had a good nap, a much needed nap. I was going to go to the post office to get some stamps but I will do that tomorrow. I can’t wait till they come out with the Star Trek ones. I will be buying several sheets of those.
I feel like I have wasted the day because I didn’t do anything but make my turkey sandwich. It was so good. My mother is making stuffed chicken breasts. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I am not hungry. Even though I ate around noon, I am still full from lunch. All week I just been having one meal a day. Today I have had two as I had cereal in the wee hours of the morning. I really wanted to make an egg burrito later in the morning but I never did. I fell asleep and then it was lunch time. I think the only reason I had two hours of sleep was because I was hungry. I didn’t have dinner or lunch yesterday.
My sister texted me. I need to watch my little niece, though she isn’t so little anymore but she isn’t old enough to be on her own, just yet. She’ll probably just play on her game. I will bring my tablet down and read Dostoevsky. I hope I don’t have to make her dinner. I suck at making it, even mac and cheese. I can never get the mixture right.
I am feeling a bit low today. I know I am depressed because my eating is off, all I want to do is sleep, and I just can’t focus on one thing for too long. Last night the window was talking to me again, like really talking to me. It freaked me out because I never had inanimate things talk to me before. Sure I have had TV and radios talk to me but not windows. It was just murmuring something and I just couldn’t make out what it was saying. My regular voices were really quiet. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am afraid to tell my psychiatrist or my therapist about this because I don’t want them to worry. They’ll probably tell me to take a trilafon. And I will start taking it once I move my damn bowels. I haven’t gone in three days so the window will have to talk to me for a little while. If it talks to me tonight, I will take it. I don’t want the window to start to tell me to do things. That will be bad. I wish it was like noises in the street or something but the window is in my back of the house away from any street or highway. It points toward my back yard.
Other than my not eating right and my sleep being all over the place, I still feel pretty crappy. I think I am going to send last night’s blog to my therapist so I don’t have to go over again what hassle my father put me through last night. It was terrible. I still am mad at him.
Finished babysitting and now I am really tired. I still haven’t moved my bowels so I just took some fiber pills. Only thing I am taking tonight is stuff to move them. I really need to go because I am starting to get uncomfortable. Screw everything else. I know that is not a good thing to do but I don’t care.
I really hate when you are depressed that you don’t really feel depressed you just feel nothing. Like nothing is ever going to change. It’s not a hopeless feeling; you just feel nothing inside you. It’s like you can feel your organs of body but other than that you feel hollow. It takes strength to breathe because you have to force air in and out of your lungs. You really just want to stop your heart from beating but it just keep going. It annoys the fuck out of me when it just beats it merry beat, like ha ha you can’t die because I am still beating. People in the mental health world like to call this beating a purpose. How can it be a purpose when it’s just a fact of life? You can temporarily stop your lungs from taking air but you can’t stop your damn heart, not by ordinary means anyways. Maybe with a bunch of cardiac drugs but who has those handy?