Difficult therapy session
I had sent my therapist the “Hyde here” blog that I wrote the other night. We ended up talking a lot about my “parts”, mainly Jack and Hyde. She wanted to know more about what brought Hyde out and I told her I was exhausted but felt the need to write. Hyde always comes out when I am in that state. Jack has been elusive. He only seems to come out if I am angry at my therapist or something she says triggers him. I don’t know too much about him but I think today I figured out that he has been a part of me longer than I thought. I think he has been a part of me since my teen years when I was cutting. There was a dissociative episode I had when I was 17. I had started cutting and spaced out. As I was telling her this, I could feel Jack saying it was him. It is possible. A lot of anger and pain was expressed in all the cuts I was doing over the years.
She was trying to engage the parts but I can’t call them up on command. She said that it was important to talk about this. I had texted her before our session I didn’t want to talk about my father at all. I felt like we had spent enough time talking about him on Tuesday. But she brought him up anyways. I was vulnerable and something triggered me crying. So I spent the last few minutes of session crying because I couldn’t stop. I had gotten angry at one point and that almost always leads to a crying spell. But I was crying tears of sadness because I know my father isn’t going to be around much longer, if things progress the way they do. I never had a good relationship with him because he is a liar and an abusive one at that.
We also talked about my suicidality a little bit. Hyde is tied to my suicidality. He wants to die and so do I. But I have been failing at it because of my therapist. She wanted to know when he was formed and I have no idea. He is a part of me that comes out when I am extremely exhausted, usually doped up on meds, and am fighting sleep yet have the urge to write. I also feel slightly suicidal when he makes an appearance. He has been quiet a lot lately because I haven’t been so suicidal for whatever reason. The psychache has been relieved. I don’t feel as much psychological pain lately as I did in the past. I think it’s due to increasing my mood stabilizer. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad and depressed at times.
My therapist stirred a bunch of stuff up for me today. I found it very exhausting. I am glad I don’t have to talk to her till Tuesday. I was thinking about writing my recovery from self harm but I don’t think I will do that today. It’s just too triggering for me and I don’t want Jack to come out. My therapist called him like a bodyguard. Maybe he is. I don’t know. He is elusive and only came out at least twice since “finding” him. My therapist brought up the woman I can’t stand as she had told her that my “parts” need a voice or they will kill me. As whacky as this woman is, I think she might be right about this one. It makes sense. But I won’t tell my therapist that.