Depression symptoms switching
Last night for the first time in like two months, I got the hungry horrors. I had left over Chinese food and that was what I wanted. I also wanted a Red Velvet pop tart. I ate one and left the rest for lunch today. I don’t know what changed, my mood certainly hasn’t, but my eating has. Now I just have to worry about putting the weight I lost back on. I am being careful by having small meals and watching portions and stuff. Even though I am hungry, I only have a few bites of something before I am done eating it. For my “breakfast” and lunch, I had some lo Mein, which wasn’t very good. It was chicken and I hate reheated chicken. I had to throw most of it away after I ate all the noodles. I feel better now that I ate as I woke up in a grumpy mood.
After lunch, I made a cup of tea. I thought of making coffee but it was too much trouble. Tea was easier. And besides, my throat is hurting so tea will be perfect. I don’t know why my throat hurts. It’s more of a muscle ache than anything else. I think I gagged too hard yesterday and might have pulled something. I hate when that happens because this soreness can last a few days. I’m hoping the tea will help heal it.
I thought about going out today but I think I will watch movies or read instead. Nothing seems to be going on on Twitter. My clinician friend is still ranting about racism and how we need to own it. What we do once we own it, I have no idea what we are to do. His conversation bores me sometimes because what he says, I have no clue. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now.
I don’t know what I did with the Lincoln DVD. I put it in some case but now I forgot which one. I love watching the movie. I might end up watching “Pretty Woman” again, too. That’s another one of my favorites. Baseball is playing right now but I don’t feel like watching or listening. I’ll just catch the info on Twitter. The games don’t really count during spring training so I am not apt to listen/watch them. It’s just another sign that I am depressed, not having interest in my favorite sport of all time.
I really don’t want to do anything today. I want to just go back under the covers and go to sleep. I am not in pain, yet. But I just feel awful. Last night the darkness entered my chest and it was not a good feeling. I knew it was coming but I thought I had another day or two before it entered. I was wrong. Now I feel like black clouds are hovering over me, just waiting to pour down on me, to drown me in sorrow. Then the heaviness will set in and I will be paralyzed, unable to move. If I ever get the appointment with my psychiatrist, I want to ask her to go back on sertraline. It will eventually make me sick, but it might just give me some relief before it does so. I could go back to the Remeron but that has the potential for weight gain and I don’t want that. I still would like to lose another ten pounds, if I can. It will be hard work, but I think I can do it. I just have to watch what I eat.
I love the song, “Sound of a Million Dreams” by David Nail. It is such a sweet song. I remember when the song came on, I was working on my How to Save a Life paper. I really wanted to get this paper published somewhere and that is when a friend told me about blogging it. Hence my blog was born. It started off as a platform to publish my papers but then it just became my personal journaling media. My numbers were pitiful in the beginning. But now they are averaging 50-70 views a day. As time goes on, the numbers increase. I am happy about it but I do have days where I barely make 30 views. I don’t know what I would do without this blog.