I have an ugly soul

“you have an ugly soul”. This was said to me after I told a former friend of mine that she needed professional help for her depression and suicidal tendencies. I am no longer friends with such a vindictive person like I knew she would turn out to be. There are always two sides of the story. I won’t tell her side because it’s not my right to. But let me tell you how I got to be such an “ugly soul”. I cared about this person and this person cared back. I think she was falling in love with me and to prevent a messy relationship, I ended it. She wanted help, my help, but refused to get professional help. I don’t have time for people like that. It’s too taxing to be in that kind of relationship. Now she is calling me narcissistic and a bunch of other names I won’t get into but because she is a religious person, she “wants the best for me”. Go hide under your religion. You aren’t fooling me.

I then spent the rest of my morning with a real narcissistic piece of work, my father. The appointment went exactly the way I thought it would go and two weeks later we need to return for follow up. After the appointment, I went to his house to do his meds and had lunch with him. The only way this guy eats is if you eat with him. So I had some Tuna with a lot of oil and some onions on bread. I liked the tuna, could do less with the oil.

My mother called on the way back to his house. She wanted me to run an errand for her while I was out. My ankle said hell no so I just came home. It’s a good thing I did because shortly after I got undressed, my bowels decided to explode again. I made it to the toilet so no accident but man it was close. I shouldn’t have taken senna last night but I forgot.

I barely got a few hours of sleep last night. Some troll sent me an offensive paper about suicide risk assessments are not needed and it angered me so much I couldn’t sleep. The reason I call him a troll is that after he sent his tweet, he never responded to ANY damn message afterwards. Bastard. So much for an intellectual conversation at 0200.

So my “ugly soul” did a lot today. I am hurting really bad with my ankle. It wants a divorce. Mentally, I am divorcing my psychiatrist. I am not going to email her today, at all. I wrote her out a letter last night and thought about sending it to her but thought she might get upset by it. I did text my therapist to call my psychiatrist and let her know I am in dire straights. The only thing I had to eat today was the tuna fish sandwich my father made and I don’t think I will be having anything else. I am so damn full it’s not funny. Plus the oil is making feel ill.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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