I have an ugly soul

“you have an ugly soul”. This was said to me after I told a former friend of mine that she needed professional help for her depression and suicidal tendencies. I am no longer friends with such a vindictive person like I knew she would turn out to be. There are always two sides of the story. I won’t tell her side because it’s not my right to. But let me tell you how I got to be such an “ugly soul”. I cared about this person and this person cared back. I think she was falling in love with me and to prevent a messy relationship, I ended it. She wanted help, my help, but refused to get professional help. I don’t have time for people like that. It’s too taxing to be in that kind of relationship. Now she is calling me narcissistic and a bunch of other names I won’t get into but because she is a religious person, she “wants the best for me”. Go hide under your religion. You aren’t fooling me.

I then spent the rest of my morning with a real narcissistic piece of work, my father. The appointment went exactly the way I thought it would go and two weeks later we need to return for follow up. After the appointment, I went to his house to do his meds and had lunch with him. The only way this guy eats is if you eat with him. So I had some Tuna with a lot of oil and some onions on bread. I liked the tuna, could do less with the oil.

My mother called on the way back to his house. She wanted me to run an errand for her while I was out. My ankle said hell no so I just came home. It’s a good thing I did because shortly after I got undressed, my bowels decided to explode again. I made it to the toilet so no accident but man it was close. I shouldn’t have taken senna last night but I forgot.

I barely got a few hours of sleep last night. Some troll sent me an offensive paper about suicide risk assessments are not needed and it angered me so much I couldn’t sleep. The reason I call him a troll is that after he sent his tweet, he never responded to ANY damn message afterwards. Bastard. So much for an intellectual conversation at 0200.

So my “ugly soul” did a lot today. I am hurting really bad with my ankle. It wants a divorce. Mentally, I am divorcing my psychiatrist. I am not going to email her today, at all. I wrote her out a letter last night and thought about sending it to her but thought she might get upset by it. I did text my therapist to call my psychiatrist and let her know I am in dire straights. The only thing I had to eat today was the tuna fish sandwich my father made and I don’t think I will be having anything else. I am so damn full it’s not funny. Plus the oil is making feel ill.

any thoughts?

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