Black Dog II

Black Dog II

I am surrounded by black clouds again despite it being a sunny day out today. I just want to sleep. For the first time in months, I woke up hungry. I thought the worst part of the depression was over but it isn’t. I feel sick to my stomach after I ate. Now all I want to do is go back under the covers and sleep. I think I will. I have nothing to do today.

My heart is heavy. I feel like I can’t go on. Sadly, this familiar feelings are welcome. The physical symptoms of depression has passed but the mental ones have just begun. I will be in agony soon. I want to avoid it. But I know I can’t. I want a coffee but it’s too much trouble to shower, get dressed and go. The bus runs every hour or so because today is Saturday.

I took my morning meds. That’s the only energy I have for today. I really need a shower. But I am much to tired to do what I need to to get it done. Maybe the afternoon would be better. I need sleep now. I am so tired. So very, very tired.

My thoughts are slow today. Everything is in slow motion. I can’t seem to get going even if a fire was lit under me. It’s colder today than it has been all week. I feel like ice is running through my veins. I am so cold.

Last night I had some energy for the paper that has been swirling around my head. I look at the papers in my “office” and I am overwhelmed. Whatever I was thinking about this paper is long gone. I no longer have the thoughts to put down. And I didn’t take any notes to help me remember what I was thinking of writing.

My back is still in the ruts. Must be the change in temperature. My back can’t handle going from 70 degrees to 30. It’s too much. It’s warming up now. It’s 46 degrees at this current time. Supposed to get up to 60. I won’t be out to enjoy it. I will be staying under the covers hiding from the black dog until it leaves me. I wonder if the black clouds and the black dog are the same thing? Either way I feel so empty inside it hurts. I feel like I have no internal organs at all. It’s just a vast space inside.

Looks like today is going to be another day for sleeping. I can’t do anything. I don’t want to do anything or anything that involves getting dressed. I just want to sleep and not wake up.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Black Dog II

  1. Bipolar1Blog says:

    Hope the black dog turns into a fluffy white poodle who licks your face and wags his tail and makes you laugh! And soon!

  2. Yes indeed, I did. Wouldn’t it be great, when we feel a depressive episode coming on, just to get out the old Flit Gun and WHAM! damn thing is over on its back with X’s for eyes.

    Who knew that Dr. Seuss cut his cartooning teeth on ads for DDT? Not me.

  3. did you mean to send me a link on insecticide? LOL I know. the black dog sucks. My thoughts are like molasses. I can’t stand it because I have a hard time keeping up with sentences and stuff. I feel like I have been doped up on trilafon.

  4. I feel for you, brother. That damn black dog. Nothing to do but hunker down until it passes, and take whatever chemical defenses are at our disposal….when I take an extra dose of lamotrigine in a usually vain effort to ward off the thick black fog, I feel (actually I don’t feel anything, but it’s like…) like,https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flit

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s