feeling like shit

Feeling like shit

I have been yucky all day. I had wanted to run an errand for my mother but it never happened. I will try again tomorrow. I came home from my father’s. He didn’t want to go to the ER because he thinks he will stay there all weekend. So we left. As I was walking down my hallway to the stairs to my bedroom, I got another attack of dizzy spells. I barely made it up the stairs. Now I am getting a migraine. I am seeing the doc next week and I hope that this can be resolved. I ate while I was at my father’s so this isn’t a blood sugar issue, unless my sugar is too high, which is doubtful.

I didn’t get up till 1500 today. I think this is the first time that I slept so late. It was a broken sleep as I was awakened by phone calls. My mother called me twice to see where I was. My sister called to let me know about my father. Then my other sister called for something else. And of course, my father called wanted to know what to do about his condition. He still thinks he is having surgery on Monday.

Physically, I feel so drained. Migraine isn’t helping. I only took two doses of pills today (at different times) and I feel like I took more. I don’t know why I feel so out of it. I also feel weak. The dizziness isn’t helping either. I am glad I didn’t go to the ER. I might have had a bed next to my father. Man that would have pissed him off. The attention would be on me instead of him and he would have had his underwear in a twist.

Mentally, I feel like I should be dead. I have a heaviness on my chest that is making it hard to breathe. I just don’t feel like living anymore. Everything is so dark and gray. I just want to sleep. I have no interest in anything except keeping this blog going. It’s been so hard to write lately. My sister brought up the gun incident today and I nearly had a heart attack. Apparently, my aunt thinks my father would have shot my mother had my cousin not been there. Where she got this information, I have no fucking idea. Now I am having flashbacks/intrusive memories of that night. This has been a hard week for remembering this shit. Some years are better than others. I don’t know why it’s affecting me more this year than any other year. I just know I rather die than relive those awful memories.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to feeling like shit

  1. thanks. thinking about you too. hugs (gentle ones)

  2. Maybe it’s affecting you more because you’re shoveling away, very painfully but surely, the layers of shit that have been dumped on you were born. 💩 It’s hard enough to take care of yourself without all the drama going on around you, with your father, and the fridge (not a small drama), and your mother, and your pain, and your brain….who wouldn’t be bummed out? Know that I’m here thinking about you, sending good juju…

  3. Feel better oh honest blogger. From an anxiety ridden bipolar and transgender blogger.
    Nina

  4. animalangels says:

    you’re definitely not alone!! today’s been sooo bad for me too.. I hope your head feels better soon.. I get them weekly.. sure majority of them are due to tension & anxiety but I’ve recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia which also causes the pain in the base of your neck & explodes into an all day debilitating migraine. .
    sucks so bad!!! I hope for both of us.. tomorrow is going to be better than today!! 💓✌😉

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