Rainy therapy Tuesday
I went out to my therapist office today. I was early as I took the highway rather than the back roads. I went to Walmart and bought some more PJs. They were cheaper than Target. I also got some summer ones so I don’t have to worry about ordering them. I was tempted to buy more T-shirts because they were less than 5 bucks but I refrained. I have a shit load of them and my mother will kill me if I get more. Then after I paid for my stuff and went out to the parking lot, I forgot where I parked. I couldn’t find my car. I was getting panicky because the keys were visible. I don’t think I locked them in the box you put them in. I was two rows away from my car so no one stole it. It gave me a nice heart attack for a while.
Therapy went ok. I thought I was going to cry but I didn’t. I forgot to tell her about the movie playing in my head. I will tomorrow if I remember. All we did was talk about the wake and funeral. We also talked about the aunt that I hate that disrupted the wake line. That really pissed me off. Still pisses me off because she had no right to be at the wake to begin with. She hated my father. She didn’t even go up to the casket, damn bitch. Who goes to a wake and doesn’t pay respect to the dead? My dramatic aunt, who has to have the attention on her at all times. We also talked about the hospital. She said I could still go in if I wanted to. I will ask my psychiatrist tomorrow what she thinks.
We also talked about my writing and how hard blogging has become. Sometimes I can get off more than 500 words but lately, it’s been less than 400. And that is after three hours of trying. I just haven’t been in a “groove”. Most of the time, I start a blog and it takes me a long time to think of something, anything to write. I just stare at the blank screen or cursor after I wrote some stuff and nothing will come. I get distracted easily and my thoughts are just blank. It’s really tough because I don’t know if it’s the depression or grief that is making it hard to write.
I took the back roads home and barely made it on time back to the zipcar spot. I hit every fricken red light on the way home. It was ridiculous. I am glad I didn’t stop at McDonalds like I wanted to. I wanted to get a big Mac as I haven’t had one in years now. But I didn’t want to stop because I wanted to return the car on time. I did, however, stop to get a bottle of wine. I wanted a Mark West Pinot Noir but they didn’t have it. I got a more expensive wine that I wanted with my Thai food. I had the Thai food but had a coke instead. I want to save it when I have good Thai food or something I really like. Or just have a glass when I feel like having wine. It’s rare but I do crave a glass now and then.
Somehow on the way home, I lost cell service. I didn’t know until I was at the train station and I was checking my messages. Luckily, a restart of my phone worked and I had service. I had a few texts. But my sister was trying to get in touch with me. She cleared out my father’s apartment today. We were going through his things. The guy saved everything. We found envelopes of people we didn’t know that sent him cards as well as the cards. Going through his clothes was the hardest because we knew how much he loved them. We are going to donate the good ones to a business success company. I got to call tomorrow to find out where they are. They are located in the town my father lived so that makes it easier.
I found the divorce papers in with my father’s stuff. Ironically, he was divorced on his 67th birthday. I had remembered that it was on his birthday but not the year. He hated my mother for divorcing him because he “did nothing wrong”. I can go on and on with the wrongs he has done but I won’t. I’m not ready to. Maybe after he is cremated, I will.