Rainy Monday 2

Rainy Monday 2

I woke up this morning around 0600 in pain. My left leg was hurting so bad and my ankle too. I took some pain meds and was able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. I made some breakfast, which aggravated my leg some more. It’s raining out and I think that is why it is hurting. I took a stronger pain med and now I am so sleepy.

I woke up from my nap. Had the strangest dream. I wish I could remember it but I don’t. My foot still hurts so I took some more pain medication. I knew today was going to be a pain med day because of me waking up in pain and it raining outside. Not a good combo.

I asked my therapist if she had any cancellations for today to let me know. So far she hasn’t had any and I don’t think she will. I guess it’s kind of good because in about forty-five minutes or so I am going to be sleepy again. Pain meds will do that. I have the Zipcar for tomorrow so I can see her in person. I reserved it early and gave myself plenty of time because last time I was close to being late, mostly because they changed an exit on the route I take and I had to go around. I also want to go to Walmart to see if I can get Sox PJs. The ones I have are wearing out and I want to replace them before they rip to shreds.

Today is the first day in months that I had at least two meals that were more than I could eat. This morning I had toast and two boiled eggs with Ensure and for supper, I had chicken cacciatore. My mother made it and it was very good. I ate a bowl with some bread and now I am bloated. In between, I had some pretzel nuggets because I was hungry. I didn’t eat lunch because I slept.

It’s been a week since my father passed away. I am still feeling numb and sad at times. I haven’t been listening to music because I don’t know what I want to hear. I start with one artist and then get bored and have to change to another artist and it just gets boring. Nothing is helping my mood. I have a few people that are worried about me because I have depression. My psych and therapist are worried, I know that. I still haven’t had a good cry about my father and I don’t know if I want to. If it happens, it happens. I just hope that I am home when it does. I hate to be on a bus or train when it happens. Grief has a nice way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, so I am told anyway.

I think I need more Neurontin tonight. I will take the same dose I took last night. I just hope the leg pain doesn’t come back. The stronger pain med helped take it away. Now I am just dealing with foot and ankle pain that is a combo of physical and nerve pain. Every single day I have this pain and it drives me crazy trying to find the right combo of meds to soothe it. Some days, I am successful, and other days, I am not. It depends a lot of when I “catch” the pain in the beginning or not. But all that goes out the window due to weather changes. I know I am hurting more because of the stupid fucking rain than because of physical activity. It’s supposed to rain the next two days so I might be in agony for a while.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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