Sunday Blog 11

Sunday Blog 11

I finished off the left over Chinese food for dinner. I am still hungry though. I might make a tuna sandwich later if I am really hungry. I haven’t had it in a while. I am trying not to have an Ensure and eat real food. It’s hard though because the Ensure will fill me up and is around 350 calories. I haven’t been eating more than 1000 calories a day lately which is why I have been continuing to lose weight.

I talked with my psychiatrist. She continued to assure me that what I am feeling and experiencing is normal. She hopes that the “movies” about my father’s death will fade with time. I keep reliving the last two hours of his life. Being in my father’s apartment yesterday for five hours didn’t help me.

While I was describing what was happening to my psychiatrist, I got sad and started to cry a little. I was just overwhelmed with sadness. She wants me to continue to write about my experiences. She said that it was amazing that I could articulate what I was feeling. That made me feel a little better.

My middle sister keeps posting pictures of my father when he was younger. It is kind of bothering me but I understand she wants to express her grief at losing him. She misses him. I don’t. I am still expecting him to call any minute saying he has some type of pain and needs to be taken to the hospital. Or asking me when I will be over his house to do his meds. It was weird filling my pill box this afternoon knowing I won’t be doing my father’s anymore. It is hard. I can’t wrap my head around it. I guess that is why I am still numb at times.

I never wrote the blog for the Daily Post. I started it but my mind kept blanking out. Then the song that has been in my head all day came on my music player and thought some more of what I should write but nothing came of it. I started a letter to my therapist thinking it might get me going. Nope, nothing. I wrote a small paragraph and blanked out on what I wanted to say. Fuck.

I went to Walgreens and got some mailers so I can mail my book to my cousin that wants a signed copy. I also got a thank you card for my father’s PCP. I will mail it when I have the energy to fill it out. Just like I will mail my cousin’s book basically when I am up to it. I am still playing catch up with the blur that was last week. I need a few days of doing nothing. I just want to stay at home. I don’t even want to go to Starbucks. I still have no interest in the Red Sox. I know when they are playing and I follow the tweets on Twitter, but I could care less. I have no idea what place they are in, who is doing well, who is sucking, nothing.

My pain levels are up. My foot has been cramping most of the day and now my ankle is painful. It’s been raining off and on all day so I think that is why. I took some pain meds but I think I need to take Neurontin because my foot is on fire. I think 1200 mg will be a good dose. 900 wasn’t giving me long enough relief.

One day I will write about the events that happened last Monday. I think writing about it will help ease the “movie” that keeps running rampant in my brain. I still feel like I should have done more for him. I know I couldn’t call 911 or something to help him but there had to be something I could have done so that he would be okay. Maybe I just didn’t want him to die. As much as I planned on it and expected it, I still didn’t want to lose my father, even if he was a bastard.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Sunday Blog 11

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    of course you didnt want to lose him, no matter what he did, said, he was still your father. That still counts for something when alls said and done. XXX

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