4 May 2016

4 May 2016

My day started pretty early, like around midnight. I woke up to a thump and thought something happened to my mother. She was doing a colon prep for her colonoscopy and with her diabetes, I was worried. Once I realized she was okay, I tried to go back to sleep but failed miserably. I didn’t go back to sleep until around 0500. I emailed my psych to let her know I would be trying to see her but I might be a zombie. She said it was okay and to take care of myself. I was also to call her after 1600. I was sleeping and didn’t wake up until 1715. I paged her right away but I haven’t heard back from her yet.

Therapy was boring. We talked about the same shit we talked about yesterday. I told her that I can’t eat normally anymore. I had two pieces of toast and two boiled eggs and I was bloated. I have been eating smaller meals. I finished off the Thai food from yesterday and had some cheese. That was the last thing I ate before my nap. I kind of want a tuna sandwich but we are out of wheat bread. I have to do some shopping. I didn’t put in an online order this month because my appetite has been so awful. I still have my cereals and other food that I eat. I just don’t have bread and you can’t just order one thing online.

I told her about the “movie” I keep seeing of the last two hours of my father’s life. One day when I am up to it, I will blog about it. My psychiatrist thinks it’s an important processing. The more I talk/write about it the less power it will have over me and will fade with time. I still am trying to write out the word prompts from WordPress over the past few days. They had some really good ones but my brain has been fried with grief that I can’t think of what to write.

I think staying up all night kind of made me a little bit manic. I feel like I am in a good mood, despite the circumstances. I still feel relieved at my father’s passing. Tomorrow will be the first Thursday that I have to myself in quite sometime, though I have to do an errand with my sister. I just hope it doesn’t take all day.

I have been in pain most of the day. My ankle is just awful and the rain is not helping me one bit. I would have taken some pain meds before sleeping at 0500 but I thought I would be seeing my doc and I didn’t want to be more sleepy than I already was. I now just took my pain meds because I can’t stand the pain anymore. I’m about ready to go back to sleep. I hope I am not up all night again. That will suck so bad.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to 4 May 2016

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    your psych is right the more you talk the less it will haunt you. i hope your ankle gets better soon. eat when you can, you’ve a lot going on no wonder you dont have an appetite. XX

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