Pissed off and Paranoid

Pissed off and Paranoid

I have been really pissed off the past couple of hours and I don’t know why. Nothing has upset me. Hell, no one has really talked to me in that span of time. Yet I am feeling very angry.

I got my delivery. The watch that I bought I need to return because it doesn’t have military time (24 hr.) I wish I knew that before I bought it. It looked to be the same as my current watch and I just guessed that all G-Shock watches were 24 hr. I am a little mad at myself for that because now I got to go through the hassle of mailing back the watch. I did find a 24 hr. watch that is $20 more than the one I need to return. If I want to return it. My current watch is losing battery power and I don’t know how long it will last. I wish I could just find a place that replaces batteries but there are none in my area. It’s a pain! It’s a good watch, too. The new watch is okay. I suppose I could live with a 12 hr. watch, though it will definitely take some getting used to because I have my brain trained to be at the 24 hr. clock.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my psychotic episode. If I really think about it, I had my first visual hallucination today because letters were literally flying off the van that I saw and they were talking to me. I then became paranoid because everyone could see me and was waiting for me to respond to these words. It was very alarming. Nothing like this has happened before. I am kind of scared. I won’t be going out tomorrow. It’s supposed to rain anyways. And I can finally change my damn sheets. I hate changing them. It ALWAYS throws my back out, wrestling with the sheets to put them off and then on. It was much easier when I had a twin size bed. But now I have a full size bed and it’s trickier.

I have therapy tomorrow. I sent my therapist a bunch of blogs and messages over the last few days. I hope she gets to read all of them, or at least some of them. I also sent her pictures. My sister gave me a small urn of my father. The velvet purse it comes with it smells awful. I took a pic and sent it to my therapist. I really didn’t want it but she bought it so I got it. I tucked it away carefully in my sock drawer.

I think I might go back to the hospital after I see my psychiatrist on the 17th. I am feeling like I need extra support and my outpatient providers just aren’t enough right now. I really didn’t have a long enough stay the last time. I just hope the psychosis isn’t permanent. Every time I have a breakthrough episode, I think it’s time to go up on the abilify. I am on a small dose, only 10 mg. My cousin takes 15 mg. He gets really paranoid and he has bipolar 2 as well. I don’t know what he is paranoid about. He never tells me but he just says he is. When I feel paranoid, people are out to get me. I am being watched constantly by outside forces. It’s worse when I am on a crowded bus or train. The bus I was on today wasn’t that crowded but every time someone walked past me I felt their eyes on me. I know rationally they could give two shits about me, but I couldn’t help the feeling they were watching me. It’s a terrible feeling, being paranoid.

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