I finally cleared off my bed of most of the books and clothes that had accumulated on the corner of my bed. I also cleared my “office”. Now I just need the motivation and energy to change my damn sheets. I rewarded myself with clearing my bed by going to Starbucks and getting a cold brew vanilla sweet cream iced coffee. I was then rewarded with my bowels going haywire soon after reaching home. I seriously thought I sharted but it was just air, thank goodness. I am now exhausted and my ankle is giving me grief so no sheet changing. Least not for now. My back has been having cramps since I left Starbucks so I am just going to rest. I still have a little stuff on my bed that I need to clear off but the majority of my bed is clear.

Today’s word prompt is “Playful”. It’s funny how these words that don’t have any particular order have significance in my life. I was reminiscing with the voices the other day about how my father hated any type of play that my sisters and I did around him. During one of his angry rages, he broke a treasured chess set that I got for Christmas one year. I never forgave him for breaking it on me. Still haven’t. He never apologized for breaking it and he knew I was upset over it. I tried fixing this set but it was not really the same afterwards.

Another time, I was at my then little cousin’s house. We were playing and I came out of his room with one of his toys because they were really cool. I forget why I left the other kids, but my father flipped the fuck out, saying I was not a kid and shouldn’t be playing with toys. I was like 12? It really hurt me and I cried I was so upset. I think I went in the bathroom to cry. My cousin’s mother saw this and said it was okay for me to play.

Both times that I have recounted this story, it brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the kindness my cousin showed me that proved that not all parents are bad and mean like my father. I have other memories that are painful but I won’t rehash them today.

I got an email from TSPN (Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network). They apologized for taking my work without my permission. They said they would inform me in the future if they want to use my work for their newsletter. They also encouraged me to contribute more things to them, if I desired. I think I might write up something for them. If you are an attempt survivor and want to contribute your story, contact them through The name of the newsletter is called “can you hear me” (CYHM).

When I came home from Starbucks, or as I was on my way home, I became really paranoid. It was very scary. I thought people and objects were talking to me. As a bus drove by a van, I could have sworn it was talking to me. I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. I have never been psychotic like that before. I took a trilafon when I got home because I was so agitated. I am feeling a little bit better now. I wish my psych was available. I would page her to let her know this happened. I still feel kind of uneasy. But the trilafon is helping me so I don’t think I need anymore meds to feel calmer. The nice thing about this drug is that it lasts for at least eight hours so I should be covered until I take the abilify tonight.

Speaking of abilify, I was reading a blog today where the blogger was having bad side effects from the medication. She is experiencing agitation, more mental than physical and it’s making her feel suicidal. She carefully weighed this drug over many others before taking it. I guess the Seroquel she was taking was no longer working for her so she needed to switch meds. She is also experiencing insomnia. Not good for someone who has bipolar disorder. I hope her psychiatrist gets back to her about what to do and she seeks help before acting on her urges. I wanted to comment on her blog but I had no advice as abilify has worked well for me, aside from the extrapyramidal symptoms I experience every now and then. I take Ativan to counteract them. Otherwise, I would be so screwed. I have noticed that as I have gotten older, my psychotic symptoms have gotten worse. I used to be able to take an anti-psychotic just when I was having symptoms. But since 2008 when I had a psychotic break, I can’t stop my meds at all. Even missing a dose can send me into a psychotic delusion. I have been on many meds for psychosis but they have had serious side effects. I can make a list but there is no point. It’s an exhaustive list. You name it, I probably have been on it (unless it’s come out after 2009). The only class of drugs that I have NOT been on are the MAOIs. That is because I don’t like the diet restrictions these medications have. I am lucky that the current regimen that I take suits me.

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