Paranoia continues once more

Paranoia continues once more

My cousin saw me at the bus stop so gave me a ride to the Square. I wasn’t up for going because I was so tired but I wanted my hair cut. I woke up too late for my regular barber. Things were a little creepy. The music I was listening to sounded louder than it usually is and it felt like it was sending me messages but I couldn’t interpret them. I went to Starbucks for a frappe as I already made coffee at home. After I had my haircut, I waited at the bus stop to go home. I started feeling paranoid then, like everyone was watching me. I put on the music again to distract myself. I kept on hearing all of David Nail’s songs plus one song of Randy Houser. There weren’t that many songs so it repeated fairly quickly. The distraction wasn’t working. There was a guy that kept talking to himself with a radio set. He was freaking me out. The bus was of course late. It was a long way home.

I started walking home and the paranoia increased as well as the voices. I decided to take a trilafon when I got home. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I haven’t been sleeping during normal hours. I usually fall asleep between 0400-0500 or later. But once I get to sleep, I sleep for a few hours, as long as no one wakes me up. I had a few hours of good sleep this morning before my mother woke me up around 0930. I had to watch my niece for an hour before her grandmother came to pick her up. By the time she came, it was too late for me to see my regular barber. I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I made some coffee. I didn’t drink all of it. I had about ten ounces. I was hoping it would give me a bowel movement as I haven’t gone in two days but no such luck. I’ll just take some fiber pills tonight.

I got my new bag and used it today when I went out. Because my cousin picked me up, it kind of messed up my plans. I had planned on going to the barber first then to Starbucks. I went the reverse. I got too antsy at Starbucks and didn’t take my laptop out even though I brought it with me. I could barely write in my journal, I was so distracted. I figured I had better go to the barber before I changed my mind and I did. I got a nice buzz cut. I think it’s shorter than my previous haircut. My mother hasn’t seen it yet because I have been wearing my hat. She is not going to like it and that makes me happy, for some reason. I guess it’s defiance as she told me not to get it cut like this again. My head, my hair so I will do what I want with it.

I checked my student loan status today and it is once again under review. They did change the status date to April so that is an improvement. I am still waiting for a letter of some kind. I hate being in the dark.

I placed my huge grocery order today. I have no idea what the hell I bought but it’s slightly over $150. I just know I ordered ribs, cole slaw and my powerade. And oreos and cheesecake. The rest is just food that is not junk like steak and hot dogs. I have been craving a hot dog with hot dog relish on a bun. So that is what I got. My mother will usually buy hot dogs but not the buns. We usually use wheat bread for a bun. It’s okay but I like the bun better. It’s more filling to me. Now I just got to go to the meat market to get hamburgers. I bought some more avocados to make a good cheeseburger with my honey Dijon mustard. I was hoping to get it today but I didn’t want to miss the bus. I might go tomorrow, if I time the bus schedule right.

As I made a decision to go home, I wanted to get the sandwich I bought yesterday at Au Bon Pain. I couldn’t believe they were out of sliced bread! What kind of bakery place runs out of bread?? I was so disappointed. I am glad my mother made cod fish for dinner. It was good. She also made a potato salad with vinegar. I love that kind of potato salad, but then, I like vinegar more than mayo. It’s healthier.

I wish I brought my cane with me today. My ankle was and is really bad. The sidewalk I was walking on was uneven and that made my ankle hurt more. I hear the city is going to replace the brick with asphalt. I say yes, to some areas, especially the area I was walking on as it was so uneven. You could easily twist your ankle. I had to keep my eyesight on the ground instead of looking up because of my proprioception is so bad. It would take nothing for me to trip. That just caused the paranoia to get worse because I was fearful of the people around me as I was walking. I could swear they were making fun of me as I was walking by them. The voices were telling me this all through the walk back to the bus stop. I was never so fearful in my life.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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