Category: blogging

i don’t feel anguish

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Been thinking about how I am not feeling suicidal every day anymore. It is weird. I don’t know exactly what I feel. I feel sort of numb but also feel contentment. And the strange part is that I haven’t take a drug to make me feel this way. I just feel differently about my life. I am not saying I have a future because I don’t. Trying to see a future is still dark and gray. But today and tomorrow don’t look as bad as they once did. Maybe the stress of not working is a good thing. But I am still isolated in what I am doing. I still wish I was dead but it’s not as strong as it was.

I don’t know when the change occurred. And that’s what bothers me because I can go back to my depressed suicidal self at any time. I think I’ve given up on killing myself because I can’t go through with it. IF I could do it tomorrow, I would but I can’t. Is it possible to be suicidal without feeling it. I’m just numb all the time. I don’t know if that is good or bad.

To go from feeling suicidal all the time to nothing is a very scary place for me. Sure if given the chance, I might kill myself. But I don’t want to. Yet I don’t want to live either. I just go on being. I wouldn’t call this living. Being trapped in my room is not living. I barely go out anymore, not even for a mocha or latte. I have lost interest in things. I don’t watch TV anymore yet I record my shows. My DVR is most likely full right now and I don’t care. I still have to transfer the world Series to my computer and have not done so yet. I could careless right now about it.

I am in a constant depressed state yet I don’t show it. I would love to run a knife through my chest to try and kill myself but my family needs me too much. I don’t want them cleaning up the mess. I don’t feel distressed. I don’t feel anguish. I just want to die. I want to stop breathing air. But then I will hear my favorite song on my playlist and it will get me out of the funk that I am in and make me sing and smile. Everyday is a struggle. Sometimes I don’t listen to music. But today I need to to break the monotony in my brain. I have noticed that my typing and thoughts are slow today. It is painful writing this experience down. Every word is like pulling a tooth out. But I think it is important to write about this experience because I may not feel like this again. The darkness doesn’t rule my heart but neither does the light. I am just trying to keep my heart on the tracks. I sometimes get derailed and it hurts.

Pain, connectivity, and paranoia

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Scrolling through Facebook while waiting for my pain meds to work. I have been in pain for the past half hour and spasms have just started. I am miserable. I knew I should have taken something sooner as when I got back to my room after having coffee at my sister’s, I felt something in my foot. It’s so hard to know when to take pain medication. Sometimes you know it is going to turn into something bad and other times it just goes away with rest. I am so annoyed with myself.

Then I get a tweet from Sprint, my cell phone carrier about the ongoing issue I have been having with 3G/4G coverage. Seems if I leave my house, I just have 3G and it messes up with my phone data. Sometimes I will get email and other times I won’t. It’s not like I really need to respond to email now that I am not working, but I would like to know when I get a new message. I like staying connected. But it seems if I leave my house, I don’t get the same coverage and it pisses me off because I have to manually change my settings in order to save battery. If I don’t have 4G, I lose battery power while it searches for it before it decides to finally go to 3G. Sometimes by the time I get home, especially when I go into town, I will have 50% or less battery power to last me until I get home. I know that going on the trains drains it more as I don’t have any signal in the tunnel but while I am traveling the city above ground, I should have no connectivity issues. My phone is fairly new so there shouldn’t be an issue. Granted I am due for an upgrade but other than a Samsung galaxy phone, I really don’t have an interest in any other phone. My brother in law has the galaxy and has been having issues with it. I hope that when I upgrade to it, the bugs have been fixed. But then he is on a different carrier than I am so it might just be his network. I have no interest in an iPhone. I like the Android operating system on my phone.

Spasms seem to have stopped now. My big toe isn’t curling like it did. Thank god for Ativan. I do need a nap now but I am trying to resist. I still feel like calling my psychiatrist but it’s Sunday and I don’t want to bother her. It’s not an emergency. I just feel the need to talk to someone. I am still having trouble processing my grief. I keep thinking about the days with my aunt and how on her 90th birthday, I didn’t get a picture with her. I thought I did but I didn’t. It was hard because everyone kept going to the birthday girl and we had this crazy DJ that wanted everyone to dance, ALL THE TIME. He was very enthusiastic in his job but come on. No one likes to dance for two hours, straight!

I do miss my aunt. I miss going over her house like I did when I was a kid. But then she moved and it was difficult to see her because I didn’t have a car to get to where she was.

It’s weird. This is the first time that I am not paranoid I am being watched by my aunt. When my other Aunts and uncles passed away, I felt like I was being watched by them. This time it is different. I don’t know if that is because I am taking medication to control stuff like that or what but it is different. And I am glad I am not paranoid. It is difficult to shake paranoia. You really need to take extra meds and constantly tell yourself it is not happening. It’s almost like a delusion that you have to undo to make it stop happening. Not always easy because voices are usually present and they love to feed off paranoid delusions. But I am not feeling that way. I still have the voices that are constantly watching me though. We converse sometimes but it has been less. It usually picks up if I am just staring off into space. Then they start talking to me. It’s weird.

Today I have decided not to do anything. I am not working on my book or changing my sheets. I will do one of those things tomorrow. Though I have to take off the stuff on my bed. I don’t know how I accumulate so much paper, books, and journals on my bed. I just have a few shirts on my bed just in case I get cold. But other than those articles of clothing, the rest is all paper pads. I don’t get it. I mean I use it, don’t get me wrong, because I am always writing something. And I need my journal on my bed so I know where it is when I want to journal. But the other stuff, man I don’t know how it accumulates. I just need one pad of paper, not three! Thank goodness I only sleep on one side of the bed and stay there. I am usually a sound sleeper, though sometimes I am a light sleeper as noises will wake me up. I hope when I change my sheets this time, I don’t have so much stuff on my bed. It’s a pain taking it off and placing it somewhere in my room. I have piles of stuff every where because I don’t have the space to put it.

depressed and worried

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Been a tough week. My aunt (father’s sister) passed away after a brief illness and it has been tough. Today was the funeral and I lost it at the cemetery. All my family are buried in the same on, right next to each other and it made me sad to see my aunts and uncles who passed away. I miss them so much.

The reception was good. My sisters and I basically sat by ourselves until a family member or two popped over to say hello and to ask about my father. It was like a repeat of last night but in a different atmosphere. I still feel really sad. I know my father is not doing well. I know that he is sick. But I don’t know how sick yet and that is what is making me sad. I have just my father and his remaining sister left. She is not doing well either. I am just a wreck of worry because things always happen in threes and whose to say that the universe won’t take my father and sister soon? It makes me very depressed and worried.

My ankle is hurting me, though not more than I was expecting which is good. I guess wearing the AFO helped me more than I realized. I still am sore but not as sore. I am so glad my AFO fits into my LL Bean boots that I bought last year. Now I don’t have to worry about slipping and sliding with them on. I have been in terrible pain without the AFO use. Funny how a little plastic changes everything.

I talked with my family today about my upcoming book, which is not an easy thing to do as no one really knows I have been suicidal or let alone made an attempt. I just kept on saying it was based on life experiences and left it at that. Someone asked if my sisters were in the book and I told them no. I might have mentioned them but for the most part I kept them out of the story line.

rambling 65

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Had a long day today. The wake that was four hours long seemed to take forever to pass. I just wanted to crawl back to my cave and sleep. It really hurt seeing my aunt in the casket. I don’t believe she is gone. But like the priest said tonight, though we say goodbye to her mortal remains, we hold on to her spirit or something like that.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I need some support right now. I am losing my mind over my father’s health issues and have no one I can really talk to about it. I won’t go into detail here about it as my family would flip if they read my blog. I just am feeling very burdened about the state of what to do and this waiting for his scan results are killing me. I won’t know until Wednesday what they are. I know it is only a few days away but damn that is a long time when you have people tell you your father doesn’t look right. I just feel so awful knowing this stuff. Then after the wake, we went out for dinner and my father had two beers. I wanted to kill him right there. He isn’t supposed to drink at all because of his liver issues. I am more than frustrated. But I didn’t want to cause an argument so I kept my mouth shut. He still thinks he can do whatever he wants, fine. But I don’t want to witness it. I could swear right now but I won’t.

The other thing I don’t get is that you are supposed to grieve at wakes so why is it when you cry, people tell you to get a hold of yourself?? Isn’t that the whole idea of wakes?? Pisses me off. My aunt was a wreck when she saw us came in and when she started crying, I couldn’t hold back the tears. It was just a jerk reaction. I am a weakling when I see people cry. Even if I don’t know them I will cry with them. Sometimes that is all I need to open my flood gates. But I know that I can’t hide in a corner and cry alone. But I guess if I feel like doing that I should because god forbid I let someone see me grieve in public. I just find it frustrating.

I texted my therapist that she is going to have a shit load of letters as punishment for being on vacation. I would have written one tonight but I am too exhausted. I am still fighting sleep just to write this blog. I am glad that my psychiatrist said that she will be there should I need to page her. I don’t see her again till the 10th. But I might check in with her sooner than that. Probably after I find out about my father’s scans. Even though I take Ativan, I don’t think that will cause me to worry less between now and then.

I am hoping my leg isn’t sore tomorrow. I had to have the AFO tighter than usual so that I could pull down my pant leg on my Khaki’s. I would wear dress pants tomorrow but it is going to be cold and snowy. Another snowstorm is in the mix for the day. Just wonderful.