Category: chronic physical pain

worrying

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up a couple of hours ago because my phone woke me up to tell me it was time for my medication. I didn’t want to get up, nor wake up. But I reluctantly did, took my meds and tried to get back to sleep. I am not sleeping as you can tell.

My thoughts seem to be revolving over my father. I feel like I am missing something with his medication. I just don’t know what it could be. All I know is that I am having a bad feeling about this and I don’t like it.

My pain is astronomical right now so I am not thinking clearly. My leg and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I think my ankle is going to win. I know I should probably read the stupid book I have about the civil war but it’s a drawn out affair. The author is dragging out 1861 like it was the only year of the civil war. I am completely bore by this book but I am one of “those” people that once I start a book, I have to finish it. So please don’t tell me how it ends, LOL. If I had known more about this book, I probably wouldn’t have bought it. It already took 276 pages before the war started. I have 500 more pages to read to get to the ending. I have no idea if they are going to stop talking about the war and a little bit of reconstruction or what. That might be volume II. I will say this, even though the author goes around in circles, he does write eloquently and keeps you engaged in the book. I wouldn’t recommend the book to anyone, unless they like long, drawn out books about the civil war. I primarily bought it to learn more about the battles of the Civil War but even those are hidden and not too clear. But I will finish the book, however long it takes me.

I don’t know why, but after I take my meds, I get really hungry. I usually just make something small, like a bowl of cereal. I have found that eating shredded wheat helps keep me full longer than any other cereal that I eat. And it keeps me regular so that is a plus.

I hope my father is going to be okay. I really don’t want another incident where he has to be in the hospital. I also hope this worrying is for nothing. I am going to try and go back to sleep now. After I have a little something to eat.

Sunday hurt blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday hurt blog

I spent the morning dealing with my father. He had a visiting nurse come see him and she was all fucking stupid over his blood level. I was like, he hasn’t taken the drug in almost a week, of course the level is low!! But she needed a MD, a doctor, to explain it to her. Fucking moron.

Then I get home and as I was filling a pan with water I got dizzy. My mother sees this and then comments saying, what are you dizzy from working? FUCK YOU, I wanted to say to her. You know I was going to ask her for 5 bucks because I need it but I think I am going to stick it where it will really hurt her, my check that I give her. I will take $50 off it every time she is disrespectful to me. See how she likes that. She thinks she is being cute, be cute. You will end up with NOTHING and then I laugh. Thanks for being concerned and everything. Damn bitch. I never give her smart remarks when she is feeling ill. Nor would I. I am just so sick of both my parents being disrespectful to me.

OMG the dog from hell is barking in my neighborhood again. I wish I knew where this pooch lived so I could call animal control and have them silence the dog. There should be a law saying that a dog shouldn’t be out in public areas for 16 hours a day! That is just cruel!! I really just want a muzzle put on the yapper. Stupid fucking dog, and they always seem to put the dog out when I want a nap. Fuckers.

I am just in a pissed off mood today. I didn’t sleep too well and I had to get up early for my father’s bullshit appointment. I have one day where I have a reprieve from him. Then I got to deal with him on Tuesday again. Just shoot me, please??

Because I missed my psychiatrist’s appointment, I don’t have one in the books. She hasn’t answered my email and I am getting ticked off. But I know this is the game we play. I email her a thousand times until she answers. Then I go to voicemail, then I go to paging her. Just to get another appointment. I wish I could just call the office but she does her own scheduling. Another annoyance. Is it gin o’clock yet?

I have been drinking gin a little more than I should and I don’t really care. I need an escape hatch. I nearly killed my father, unintentionally and I feel it is my fault he developed an ulcer. If I kept on his medication, this probably wouldn’t have happened but God knows when the last time he ran out of his medication. Now I got to deal with his PCP, who is clueless about the current events. I will do that after I had a chance to talk to my sister about her car availability. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. Probably have him switch to another PCP in Boston. I don’t know if that is going to happen soon or not. I’ll have to find out on Tuesday because Monday is a holiday. UGH.

I am feeling really stressed out about having to take care of my father’s medical issues. I don’t know if it’s because I have been in pain more I just can’t handle stress the way I used to, or what. My leg is killing me as I am writing this and all I want to do is take a nap. I just wish the pain would stop so I could think a little more clearly. Pain is just inhibiting my vulnerability and I don’t like it. But there is nothing I can really do about it. I just hate feeling vulnerable.

feeling like crap

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like crap

Again I woke up at 0430 in the morning in pain. This is stressing me out big time because it’s disturbing my sleep. I haven’t done much all day except try and sleep and keep of my ankle. My father wants me to visit him in the hospital but I am too wiped out. There is no way I can go. I already canceled my pdoc appointment today because I am just wiped out physically. I am really tired. But I am eating which is good. I haven’t really eaten much the last two days. Mostly from worry, mostly because I didn’t have time to eat. Or I just didn’t know what I wanted to eat. Last night I made Elio’s pizza. I won’t be having that again any time soon. The only good thing about it was the crust. I felt like I was eating ketchup with something that is supposed to be cheese on a crust. Maybe I cooked it too long and that was why it didn’t taste good. I don’t know. But I am back on track today.

Did I mention how tired I am today? I slept for most of the day and would still be sleeping if people didn’t keep calling me. My aunt called but I have no idea why as I accidently erased the voicemails she left me. I don’t know how the hell that happened. I never delete a message without hearing it first.

Last night I was feeling poorly. I feel it is my fault my father is sick. If I had got his medication right, he wouldn’t be sick. Least that is my rationale. So I had a few shots of gin last night with my medication. I took my pain meds and Ativan and then a couple shots of gin. Then I thought about it some more and decided two wasn’t enough, so I had four. That knocked me on my ass so I finally fell asleep before 11pm. I just didn’t care last night. I feel really guilty. I know realistically, there was probably nothing that I could have done. He could have had the ulcer anyways, but I just feel bad because if I just kept on top of his meds, this could have been avoided. The doc said that it was a big ulcer so I don’t think I am fully to blame for it. Something that big takes time to form, longer than the missed meds.

I learned a few things about this experience. I don’t ever want to under go an endoscopic procedure. It just takes a lot out of you and the thought of a tube going down the throat doesn’t make me want it more. I am going to get a health care proxy, though I don’t know who that will be.

I still feel like drinking gin. Despite waking up early, I slept pretty well last night. I am not advocating for drinking before med especially when you take psych meds but drinking is how I deal with my father. Always have been. He just annoys me enough to just want to drink. And the only time I do drink is when I get into scuffles with my father. It doesn’t have to be gin. I could drink any alcohol beverage, but gin is all I have right now. I ran out of my whiskey.

I just had a foggy notion of emailing my pdoc and telling her I am drinking gin more. But I stopped myself from doing it. I was talking with a blogger friend that is in crisis. She really needed someone to talk to and I don’t know how the gin came up. But she knew that I was dealing with my father if I was drinking gin. Funny how people know me so well. Yet my therapist of almost 14 years can’t figure me out for shit. Maybe she is going through some difficulty in her life and it is affecting her work with me. She seems more distant on the phone lately.

Think I am going to drink some more gin and then pass out. Hopefully, I will feel better in the morning.

Latte Fail

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Latte fail

I started the day very early, again. I woke up at 0530. I stayed in bed till around 7ish when I had some breakfast, hoping that it would welcome me back to sleep. Nope. I had weird dreams instead. I swear it was at 45 min intervals that I was awoken by these disturbing dreams. I think I rather have nightmares than dreams that make no sense and that I can’t remember.

I forgot to charge my phone again last night. I think I am testing the battery power throughout the night. If it was fully charged, I probably would have gone out of the house around 8 for my coffee rather than two hours later when I really didn’t feel like doing squat. But I made it out of the house and got my latte. Unfortunately, with the caffeinating, it didn’t wake me up. I am still waiting for it to wake me up, three hours later. I wrote in my journal, but it was broken up my the distraction of Twitter and Facebook. I heard through Gates McFadden that the US Supreme court rejected the appeals for gay marriage. YAY for gay marriage. She said it was the start of a beautiful day. Maybe for her. I am still waiting to feel some good. After stinking up my clothes of coffee scent, I left for the next bus. My mother calls me one stop before the one I get off. She tells me to take the chicken out of the freezer. Soon as I open the freezer door, blueberries make a brake for it. Yup, floor covered in blueberries because they were not in the right container for fucking freezing. I don’t know why my mother freezes fruit when it takes her months to make something. It just nose dives to the floor every time we open the freezer door. Pissed me off. And she has gone shopping and I am going to have to get the bags because my lazy cousin is “tired”. Well I am too and in pain so I beat your ass.

Just am in an annoyed kind of mood, can’t you tell? I should have called the junk car people today but I didn’t. That will hopefully happen tomorrow. I got to get the car out of here before the colder weather comes and then I will have to wait till spring. My brother in law will not be happy if it stays in the driveway another winter. If you can give out procrastination badges, I win. This car has been there for more than two years. It is falling apart. My biggest fear is that the guy will come, see the car, and walk away like he doesn’t know what I am talking about. The bumper has given way and you can no longer see the exhaust pipe. The shocks finally gave way. It is a total junk car.

I am not feeling good mentally. I put in a text to my therapist to see if I can see her today but I haven’t heard back. I might call her in a little bit to ask for a check in. I really need it. I feel like I am falling apart like the car in my driveway. My cousin (lazy one) just asked me how I was doing. I told him lousy. He doesn’t get the pain that I get from going up and down two flights of stairs. There is nothing physically wrong with him so why the fuck can’t he take the stuff up the stairs?? Drives me fucking nuts.