Category: depression

Deeply Disturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicide, writing

Deeply disturbed

I woke up early this morning and found that a teen in my state “encouraged” another teen to take his life. She is now being charged with manslaughter because he didn’t want to go through with it but she egged him on. I am disgusted and disturbed by this. What is more disturbing is that the story is trending! That is what brought it to my attention. In a town I never heard of, this happened. And to think that someone had to die to make the news. It is very sad. And what really pisses me off is that when there are suicide prevention efforts being rolled out, they don’t trend at all. Like Facebook, for example. They just implemented a new way to find out about a person’s status and get them help, if need be. I don’t know how it works, as I have not seen it. I am sure it must be done through the reporting feature on the status. Too bad Twitter doesn’t have this feature. I also argued on Twitter to use the hashtag suicide when giving out hotline numbers and such because you never know who will see them. Often times, people will retweet a number, but not the hashtag, and I feel it gets lost in the system so to speak. I once trolled the hashtag and found that not one person was helping these people who were desperately conveying their suicidal thoughts. I tried to help one that looked very dire but got no response back. And this was within minutes of posting the tweet. Sometimes, people won’t respond to strangers and I get that but putting a hashtag and then saying you are going to do something to harm yourself is just playing with fire. I wish Twitter some day has the reporting system.

Then I get word that the Duck Dynasty star get an award for his anti-gay remarks he made. WTF is this world coming to?? That to me is the most disgusting award you can ever have. Yes, the guy has a right to his opinion about gays. I will give him that, but to receive an award?? Come on! It just boggles my fricken mind. I really can’t wrap my head around this one.

I started working on a new short story today. I must have written three sentences before my mind went blank. But I started and that is the important thing. Tomorrow I am going to try and go to Starbucks to finish it. I hope I can get it to at least three pages. I am handwriting it so I really need six pages. It will be a bitch to type up but maybe I can use Dragon so I don’t have to type. I feel bad that I bought this fricken software and have not used it much since I first got it. It is kind of difficult to use because it doesn’t give you a book guide, you have to search on the computer what you need to tell the program to do. And sometimes, especially when you want to correct something, like “delete this word”, it will type it rather than delete it! It can be frustrating to say the least. That is why I don’t use it often. They say it gets better with use, but when I get frustrated, my accent comes out and the words with “r”s get fucked up. There are no “R”s in Boston as I like to say.

My damn father called, twice today. The first time was to see if I was coming over. I knew my other sister was coming over so I said no. The second was to tell me he was feeling dizzy. I grew concerned because he has so many health issues. Then I found out he took a pain pill and that was the cause of the dizziness. Damn fool. If he told me that, I would have just told him to lie back down until it left him. Sometimes I get dizzy with my pain meds and I know the only thing to do is to lie down. Now tomorrow I have to make an appointment with his doctor because of the reason he took his pain medication. I am not happy right now. I got really pissed off because I was having fun in a chat room when he called. After the phone call, I couldn’t calm down so I left the chat. My fun was gone in an instant. The first time all week I got to socialize with people who understand what I go through and it was crushed.

I never made it to Walgreens to pick up my prescription today. I really wanted to get Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I must not have really wanted them that bad because I didn’t leave the house. Actually, I had planned on it but I had an anxiety attack with chest pain this afternoon. I didn’t want to tax myself going out as I didn’t know if I was going to get that fatigue feeling again or not. I planned on staying safe before things go really bad. I hate when I have chest pain with anxiety. It was really awful. But I was breathing normally and I wasn’t having any symptoms of a heart attack. My pulse was normal, well normal as can be with anxiety. I forgot to take my BP meds this morning so I took them when I realized I forgot. I had these chest pains before and knew Ativan would take it away. If the med didn’t work, then I would be worried, which would just make my anxiety worse.

It is snowing again. We are expected to receive another 3-6 inches, a dusting really compared with what we have had. If it snows more than that, we will break the previous record of snow fall in a season. Right now the record stands at 107 inches. Currently our snow fall is 101 inches. My writing partner and I have a running joke of shipping snow to her to New Mexico. I told her I would gladly ship it to her, no cost. I don’t know if it will still be snow by the time it got to her. It might be water. There is a guy, also in my state, that is selling the stuff from his back yard at $119 (USD)/box. Guess that is one way to get rid of it. Otherwise, it might not melt till June or July!

Saturday Blog 17

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

I didn’t do anything today, which was the plan. I just wanted a day of doing nothing but relaxing. I should have shut my phone off but I didn’t. My father called asking when I will be over his house. I told him I wasn’t feeling good and that I wasn’t. He got into a tizzy. Oh well. I don’t care. I dealt with him nearly every day this week. I need to get away from him.

I did read some and slept some. I really didn’t even play my game that much. I just planted some crops and that was it. I didn’t request items and such like I usually do. I just am not into playing the game today. I feel burned out by it.

I just had my manwich and fries that my mother made. It was the only thing that I really had all day, other than the cereal I had for breakfast. I really haven’t been all that hungry the last few days. Another sign that I am depressed. I am not that worried because it’s not like I am underweight. I woke up with heartburn so I think that is why I really didn’t want to eat today. My mother went shopping and bought my favorite kind of donuts. I am trying to be good but I don’t think those donuts are going to last too long.

I wanted to make coffee today but didn’t. I just decided to sleep. Even now I am kind of tired but I think that is because of the pain meds that I had to take. My ankle flared up sometime after getting my mother’s groceries and making I don’t know how many trips up and down the stairs. She didn’t have that much stuff. She bought vegetables and meats. I don’t really like buying that stuff online because you never know what you are going to get. The last time I bought some raspberries, they weren’t too good. I decided not to buy them after that experience.

I finally took a shower this morning when I got up. I felt a little better afterwards. My ankle didn’t like it much but oh well. It’s not like I had anything to do today anyways so I can take my pain meds liberally. I feel so tired lately, like I am being weighed down. I know that is another sign of the depression. I was writing in my journal last night that I think I am in denial that I am depressed. I don’t know why I am in denial. Maybe I feel like if I don’t acknowledge it, it will go away.

I have to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up my prescription for my migraine pills. That is the only place I am going to go. I am not going to my father’s. My sister is going so she can take care of his needs. I really don’t want to tax my ankle anymore. Being in pain is not fun. And I hate having to take my pain medication all the time. Yesterday I took four pills. Today I have already taken three. I think I am going to have to take some more by the end of the night. I hate having to take them because I hate being constipated. If I don’t take senna every day, I am screwed.

fatigue day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

I finally mailed out my books for my review today. I really wanted to go to Starbucks today but for some reason, I was really tired. I remember reading a fellow blogger’s blog about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She wrote that she could walk up a flight of stairs and be totally winded. That was me today. I had walked only a few houses down the street when I realized I left one of the books at home. So I went back to the house. I was already feeling fatigued before leaving the house. I really didn’t want to go out today but I forced myself to. So I came home and walked up two flights of stairs to my room. I was so out of breath by the time I reached the top that I had to sit for a few minutes to catch my breath. And I was panting very heavily. I climb these stairs every day and I don’t know why I was so winded today. It was really odd. I then proceeded down the stairs, going carefully as not to knock the breath out of me again. I walked the block and half to the post office and I was just completely weak at this point. I was standing, being waited on by the postal person, and my legs started shaking. I felt like I couldn’t support myself. It was really bizarre as this has never happened before. And like the blogger, I know that if I go to the docs, they are just going to say that I am out of shape. I am more than overweight, borderline morbid obese so that is what they will say. Lose weight and I won’t have a problem. But just now, I climbed the stairs and had no difficulty. I am not terribly out of breath like I was earlier this afternoon. It is so weird how sometimes I am and other times I am not.

Other than this experience, my day went fairly well. Though I seriously have to start writing again if I want to do a second book. I formatted what I had and it came to 30 pages. Not enough to really even have a book. Thing is, I don’t know what to fucking write. I am not that creative like I was. Just writing the story of the brick wall was torture just to get it to three pages. And then I combined three blogs about my antipsychotic pill to make a few pages. That is all I got. I know there is more in me, I just can’t find it. I am so depressed lately and out of sorts that I just can’t concentrate. I need to be at Starbucks and being around people again. To take me out of my house where I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep.

My mother gave me a look when the groceries were delivered. She thinks she doesn’t buy “food”. She does, but I desperately needed my stuff that she doesn’t buy, like my teas, lemonade, steak, etc. She also doesn’t buy bottled water, which I like. I will drink tap only if I have to, but usually I will mix it with the lemonade or iced tea mix. I am kind of bummed that they were out of stock on hamburger rolls. Now I will have to wait to make my Manwich. I usually make it then eat it over a couple of days. I am the only one that likes it.

My voices are back, full time again. It is weird because I took the abilify last night and you would think they wouldn’t come back, but they did. I still don’t feel like myself, though. It’s hard to explain. I got a buzzing going on in my head and I don’t know if that is good or not. I know that things are slower, my thoughts are slower. I am moving my normal speed and stuff, but I feel retarded. Like when I was walking to the post office today. Every step felt like I was walking in mud. And my breathing reflected the labor. My back acted up while I was putting the groceries away. I couldn’t stand and walk too long. It really sucked. And I was walking at a deliberate pace from the stairwell to the kitchen. Not a far walk but it still cramped up my back. I have been trying to stay hydrated the past few days to see if that helped with my cramping and it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am getting mid-back spasms. I am not doing anything strenuous.

I need to shower sometime before I go to bed tonight. I am sweaty from my labors today and I leaked. Always fun to smell urine and then realize it is you and not someone else. I don’t understand how I can be leaking when I really haven’t been peeing that much. It drives me crazy. Thanks CES for messing up my life!

When did I become an adult?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Plans foiled

I had planned on working on my book today. That was the plan anyways. And harass people on Twitter. But my sister called me in a panic about my father who she said “was bleeding and had blood all over the place” from his fricken biopsy. No fucking way that sucker can still be bleeding unless he keeps picking at it and he can’t reach it so I don’t know what the damn problem is. I hurried over there to find him sitting calmly, watching TV. No blood stains anywhere. I looked at his back and he had, no kidding, like 6 band aids on the wound. So MY work was derailed for the day. I am going to try and get the rest of the wrapping done later tonight. I need to relax my ankle because I stood for at least a half hour for the bus and walking home. I was and am still pissed. I filled his medication box while I was there so I wouldn’t have to go on Saturday.

I went to Walgreens to pick up some stuff. I am out of ibuprofen and mouthwash. Damn, and I forgot to get Excedrin migraine. That stuff works really well when I have a bad headache that usually turns into one. I will get it tomorrow. The good news is that I was able to get my pain meds refilled a day early. I am happy about this so now I can relax on Saturday.

Voices came back. I am happy about this, though I am experiencing other symptoms. I have remnants of conversations, music, and other noise in my head. I find that playing music helps keep my head clear. I don’t feel like myself still. Things are pretty jumbled and I don’t like it. I am waiting for my therapist to call me. She doesn’t have any times available today. It would have been good to talk to her about this. It’s so discombobulating.

I woke up late this morning, which is good. I must have slept a good solid six straight hours. First time that has happened in a long while. I feel cold so I am getting sleepy again, but I am not going to lie down and nap. I am trying to break the cycle. I had coffee this morning. I was kind of planning on still going to Starbucks as I needed to go to Walgreens anyways. But all those plans went out the window when the “emergency” with my father took place.

I have about $20 left for the month after everything was paid for yesterday. $10 will be going towards a prescription for tomorrow, so really I just have ten bucks to my name. Happens every month. But at least I will have food and be stocked on my essentials. I realized, I spent over $100 on food and NONE of it is junk food. No soda, chips, or cookies. When did I become an adult??