Category: psychosis

too dangerous

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, depression, psychosis

I have been battling the voices and the delusions all day. It’s like a pounding headache that won’t quit despite taking medication for it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone in my struggle. I know my family won’t understand. And most of the psych professionals don’t really know how to deal with psychosis. I am so depressed about it. I felt like emailing my psychiatrist telling her I would go to the ER but what for? What can they do that I haven’t done already. I have taken trilafon and Ativan to try and sleep today. It helped somewhat but I had weird dreams. I feel transparent, like people can see right through me, almost like I am a ghost. It is a weird feeling.

I have been trying to read to let my mind wander a bit, but it has been difficult. I rather sleep. I have been taking my meds earlier than I usually take them. I don’t know if it is doing me any good. My sleep has been the same and then I have to wake up in the wee hours to pee. I sometimes stay up for a bit until I can go back to sleep. I then sleep for a few hours before I have to pee again and then I am usually up for the day. Today I am just too tired to fight. So I am resting.

I was doing good pain wise for the last few days. Until this morning. My foot decided it was going to ache more than I can handle right now. So I took a pain pill, which only added to my drowsiness. I don’t understand why my pain has been less since I have been a little bit more active lately. Frankly, I don’t care because I know there will be a day I don’t do anything and my foot will flare up. So if it wants to lay low while I do stuff, that is fine with me. Monday I have to request my pain medication. I think I will go and pick it up rather than have it mailed to me. Last time it was cutting close to my refill date.

You would think that because I have been in less pain, I would be doing well mentally. But I so believe that that Goa’uld are going to be invading us. It is only a matter of time before ISIS gets a stronghold and really become a threat. I don’t know how much of my imagination is real or not but I believe this whole heartedly. ISIS is being controlled by aliens that want to conquer the human race. I don’t even know what “ISIS” stands for. Nor do I care. It’s too bad that the Goa’uld are registered with the Stargate franchise. Otherwise, I could have written a story about this. But I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s bad enough I am being watched 24/7. I know there are bugs in my room trying to get information from me. I play music most of the time to distract the bugs. I play it somewhat loud. My mother is deaf so I don’t have to worry about disturbing her. They want to record the conversations I have with the voices. So I have been silent and it is killing me. I like talking with the voices. But it’s too dangerous.

I was listening with headphones to music from the laptop. It is Bluetooth so I don’t have to stay in one place. It was nice until the music started planting thoughts in my head. The lyrics, even though I was hearing them correctly, somehow had a hidden message that I had to decipher. Every song was like this. I had to stop listening through the headphones. I was getting convinced the headphones were tapped.

Sunday is my father’s birthday party. I have to find out if it is still on because of the wake information. I read the goodbye notes my cousins left for her boyfriend. I started bawling. He was 23. Died way too young. My cousin was in love with him since she was 17. That is a long time to love someone. I still don’t know how old my cousin is. She is younger than I am and I know she is in her twenties. I think she just passed her 21st birthday not that long ago so I am guessing she is around his age. It just is so sad.

Still having psychotic symptoms

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

Still having psychotic symptoms.

I emailed my psychiatrist today to see if it was ok to take more trilafon than I am currently taking. I haven’t heard back. It might be a while. I know she is there only a few days a week but she should get back to me sometime tonight. I told her things are pretty much the same and that the paranoia is freaking me out. I hate having to look over my shoulder all the time. The delusions are still the same. I had wicked bad side effects last night from the abilify. I should have taken the Ativan sooner than I did but I was sleepy and thought I would sleep it off. This got interrupted by me having to go pee. Then my arm felt like it was going to fall off. The tension was so great I thought my arm was going to break in two. Then I had spasms and spasticity that drove me insane. I didn’t get to sleep till after 2300. I then woke up around 0600 today but after reading Dostoevsky, I was able to fall back to sleep.

I really hate having to deal with side effects. It is one of the reasons why I take the abilify every other day. But even then, I still could have side effects. I emailed my psychiatrist last night when it was happening. I think I just typed one handed on my phone because I couldn’t hold my phone and type with both hands. The spasms were also in my left hand so in between spasms, I was trying to hold the phone and type. If it wasn’t that bad, I probably would have blogged about it some more.

Insert sarcasm: had fun dealing with the father today. I kept on praying that they would hurry up and take him so I wouldn’t have to listen to his idiotic stories he thinks he is right on, when he is not. Just pisses me off and there is no point in arguing with him. Plus, we were in a public place so I really didn’t want to start an argument, or have him raise his voice in agitation. I blew it off best I could but it still bothers me that I have a vengeful father.

I kind of wish I asked my therapist for a phone session today. Even though I wanted nothing to do with her yesterday, today was tough to deal with, especially after last night. I really have never wanted to die as bad as I did last night just so the spasms would stop and I could get some relief. My arm is still throbbing just thinking about it. It is a side effect I am willing to deal with because all I have to do is take an Ativan for it to go away. Now it seems like I have to take it every night even if I don’t have side effects.

I really need to see my eye doctor. Either my eyesight has gotten worse or my eye muscles just can’t focus on reading anymore. Which is sad. I haven’t been on the computer long, but I have been driving most of the day. That takes a lot of mental energy and focus, especially since I was behind every moron. I think I avoided a minimum of 3 accidents today, one of which shook my father up as the truck on the right lane wanted to come into the middle lane where I was at the time. Bastardo. Then I was talking to myself and my father kept asking what I was saying. He doesn’t get that I talk to myself. And I hate driving with him because he has his own way of getting to where he wants to go. I ignore him and take my route because I am the one driving, not him.

Just got some bad and worse news. One, my cousin’s boyfriend died this week due to a snowboarding accident. To say that she is devastated is beyond measure. The funeral is Monday. I think I will be going to the wake, just to pay my respects. I really hate going to these things. The bad news is that my game on Facebook is shutting down. Last day is April 30th. I am upset over this. Now I will have nothing to fill my time during the day. I don’t know if they will be taking away their Poker game, but then, you can only lose so many times before you get bored with it. I am not a good poker player.

Paranoia continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

I am still feeling paranoid these days. I can’t shake it, even when I am alone in my room, I feel like someone is watching me. It fucking sucks. I went out today, in the freezing cold, to have a cup of coffee that I didn’t like. I don’t think the barista used the right reserve coffee. I drank it anyway because I spent money on it and plus, it is coffee. I should have had something to eat while at Starbucks as I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I feel like making popcorn for supper. I might after I write this blog.

I got a weird PM (private message) from a lady I didn’t know on Facebook today. She got my book and was excited to read it. I still have no idea who she is. I just replied “thank you”. She responded with an “no, thank you”. I didn’t think anymore of it until I was scrolling through my phone on FB and there was a pic of my book on a coffee table under the CES group that I am in. Now it made sense. I still don’t know the woman, she is in the UK, but I like that she bought my book and was showing it off.

I was annoyed with my therapist today. She thinks I should be in the hospital and I told her flat out, I wasn’t going to go. I am not in danger, per se. I think people are going to kill me and bomb the White House, but that isn’t grounds for admission. Have had way too many to know what gets you in and what doesn’t. She then said for me to get off my high horse, whatever that means. I wasn’t too coherent talking to her today. I felt really spacey. I felt like I was making sense but maybe I wasn’t. She is still trying to figure out what set me off about my delusions. She kept saying stress but I haven’t been under any type of stress in the past few weeks so there goes that theory. Sure, I have been dealing a lot with my father but then the delusions would be about him and they are not. I don’t know. I do know my psychiatrist is worried because she hardly ever emails me asking if I am going ok. I emailed her today saying I was still paranoid. I don’t know why I am being watched. It is most unsettling. It would be worse if I was in the hospital, where I would be watched and checked on, every fifteen minutes or so. I would ask my psychiatrist but what she thinks but I don’t think I would like the answer very much. As long as I am not having command hallucinations, I think I am ok. I will take the abilify tonight, even though it is my “off” night (I take it every other day because of side effects). I am questioning whether going every other night is the reason why I am having symptoms. Though the last few weeks have been horrendous. It has been one roller coaster, that is for sure.

I can’t wait to get paid next week so I can get ingredients for some cookies I want to bake. Maybe that is what is stressing me out. Being broke all the time. It’s so rough living on disability and not working to have a little income every week. Being paid monthly is brutal. I don’t know how people do it. I have been on disability for almost two and half years. It wears me out. And now that the end of the month is coming to an end, I need to make a decision as to whether to renew my monthly T-pass or just pay as I go. If I put $20 on my card, it usually lasts me the month, but now that I have to see my father every week and see my psychiatrist again, the price of traveling has gone up. So maybe paying the $29/month won’t be so bad. Least I know I will be using it and then I don’t have to worry about running out of money the end of the month.

I am in bed, partly under the covers, with a sweatshirt on and I am still fucking cold. IN THE HOUSE! WTF. I don’t understand why the heat hasn’t kicked on. It’s like 15 degrees out, with the stupid windchill. I’d put more clothes on but I don’t want to get hot when the heat kicks on, whenever that maybe. I feel like taking a nap. I have been up since 8 and I really could use one. But it’s getting late and if I sleep now, I might be up all night. It’s always dicey when I want to take a nap.

I really don’t want to go to my father’s tomorrow but I have to refill his meds and take him for his blood work. He has been needed his blood work done for a while now but the weather has been so poor, it has been impossible to take him. Now that the weather is nicer, I have to take him. I just hope the lab orders are still good.

delusions continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

I had therapy today. I read her what I wrote on Twitter and to my psychiatrist. I heard back from my psychiatrist about what I have written. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote on twitter:

having delusions are fun. I think I can write a story if they keep up. Or maybe I’ll just make it up as I go along. Fiction has no rules. Seth, who was killed by bratec, is now living in ISIS. He is now big Ben and is being controlled by the G’oauld. Allah is their god but big Ben thinks he is their god and everyone must bow to him. See it makes an interesting story. The G’oauld is a parasitic alien that lives at the base of big Ben’s neck. It gives Ben powers of mass destruction. That is all I will say. Voices are yelling at me to sleep and keep this info a secret. But it is all true. The G’oauld are going to take over earth. Just watch.

I just sent it to her. I don’t care anymore. These delusional are real to me. I am getting paranoid when I think about the destructiveness of the aliens so I try not to think about it. It really scares me. And the fact that no one knows about this. But then the aliens have been hidden for centuries in humans. My therapist thinks that I am caught in some kind of sci-fi fantasy of some sort. Whatever. I know this is real. My therapist was kind of in awe of my delusion. But she didn’t talk me out of it. Part of the agitation last night was because of pain hitting new levels, despite taking pain meds. All I could do was write and what came out was the delusion of my thoughts. But is it a delusion if you can’t reality test? No one can prove to me that I am wrong so therefore, I am right?

I am watching my niece. I think I have eaten practically anything that my sister has. I have had corned beef and cabbage, Hershey choc chips, corn bread, popcorn, and water. I am so full it’s not funny. And I had a bacon and cheese sandwich before I picked her up from school! Must be the meds that are making me hungry. I feel really bloated and sick so I don’t think I am going to have anything else tonight.

I just hope my psychiatrist doesn’t want me in the hospital. I told her they will plant stuff into me, which I think they will. They won’t understand the meanings of what I am saying.

The weather has been weird today. This morning was raining, then it was sunny. Now it is windy and raining again. But it’s warm out so I am happy about that. Just weird that things got dark all of a sudden and the wind picked up. I want my sister to come home soon so I can lie down on my bed. I got a stomach ache. I shouldn’t have had so much corned beef but it was so good. My brother in law makes a good boiled dinner, though I wish he would cut the meat and cabbage up before boiling everything together. That was why I had a huge piece of meat. But oh well. Now I just want to put my feet up and relax, but mostly just put my feet up because they will hurt less later than they would be now.

Funny thing. I was reading something last night and found that the editing was terrible. I couldn’t believe that they published it with so many errors. For example, they had ” x, x, x and” with no comma after the third x. It was like that the whole thing that I read. It annoyed me so I stopped reading it. I am no grammar police but to see that in a published book was sad.