Tag: baseball

Nerves

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Nerves

I sent a copy of my blog to a friend of mine for her input. She said that it was good, though she didn’t know what else to say about it. That made me feel a little bit better about using this as a template for editing, though I don’t know how much editing I am really going to be doing. I am really nervous about this class. I wish I knew something more about the class as the email the teacher sent us was not entirely straightforward. I know my perfectionism is getting the better of me and that is what is driving up the anxiety.

Only thing I did today was go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. They finally filled it and I am grateful I didn’t have to file a complaint. I was going to get a haircut and go to the post office but I woke up really tired. I just had some coffee to try and wake up. I hope this side effect of the medication wears off soon. I can’t stand being like this, where all I want to do is sleep. In addition to getting my prescription, I got some chocolate because I haven’t had any in a long time. I got Hershey’s Special Dark and Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I love dark chocolate, but not too dark. I stop at 68%. Any more than that and it’s too bitter.

My mother made bacon so I made eggs and put it all in a burrito for breakfast. Now I am full after I had my coffee. I don’t know when I will have lunch. I think I will make steak for supper. I have to make it before it goes bad. I am hoping the coffee doesn’t cause me to go hyper. Course, right now, I feel like I could nod off and sleep for a couple of hours. Game is on at 1600 today. I am getting a little depressed as there is only four weeks left of baseball, well of Red Sox baseball anyways. It’s going to be sad because one of the announcers on NESN has been fired. He was one of my favorites. Now they will be having another guy doing the 2016 games. My other favorite guy, Remy, will only be doing 40 home games. It is going to suck big time. I have no idea who is going to do the radio show with Joe Castiglione. His partner Dave is going to NESN. I hope it’s not going to be Merloni. I can’t stand him. He makes a boring analysis of baseball. And his voice is kind of like a rude know it all. I am just very sad that things are changing. I knew there would be changes to the Sox as they have a new CEO, but I wasn’t expecting changes in the broadcasting booths.

Last night I was going through some blogs looking for some that had a story of a good depressing tale. I found one but it was short, less than 500 words. I apparently wrote it while I was dissociating. It was a good piece of writing and I hope I can stretch it out. I really need to start working on my book because 2016 is going to be here before I know it and I would like to publish this book sometime during that year. But I haven’t been in a depressed writing mood since the hypos have taken over. I have felt “well”, which is not something that I feel often. In fact, I hardly feel that way ever, which is why I am so scared when I crash. I am so afraid of falling deep in the abyss and never coming out. But the longer I don’t feel a crash, the more I am nervous. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and you have no idea when it is going to happen. I wish it would happen sooner rather than later, just so I am prepared. Both of my treatment team knows I have been hypo for quite a long period of time. I think they both are waiting as well for me to crash. It would be nice to think that adding the mood stabilizer in the morning will prevent it but I doubt it. I spent three weeks in the hospital last year taking it twice a day and I still crashed by mid-September. It lasted for a long while, until Feb when I was hypo again for a few days. I wonder if you can feel really exhausted being hypo because right now I am looking at my pillow and it is calling my name. I really want to take another nap so bad. But I am afraid that if I do, I won’t sleep tonight or I will be up really late like I was last night. I also got the late night hungry horrors, where I was wicked hungry. It was like I didn’t eat anything at all, all day. I wish I bought rice so I could have had it with my steak. I was really craving carbs so I had a tortilla wrap and a nutri grain bar at like 0100.

baseball, pie, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I was all over the place this afternoon. I decided to listen to the ball game but I got the munchies so decided to make some popcorn. As I was making it, I watched it on TV until the 8th inning as I couldn’t stand the heat and mugginess of the living room anymore. They were winning by two runs so I thought they would win the game. BPD chat was going on at the time of the 7th inning so I was multitasking. I retreated to my room so I could be on my laptop as my phone was dying anyways. I still kept up with the fluid intake. By the time chat ended around 5, the closing pitcher blew the game!! I couldn’t believe he allowed four fucking runs to score! I was bullshit. I really wanted to win this game and take the series away from KC but it wasn’t going to happen, not with our shitty bullpen. I am so disappointed right now. I already watched a damn blooper when they had two errors on the same play. And they came back to make it 6-4, which I thought would be the final score. NOPE. NOT happening. Damn you Taz. Hope he gets DFA’d.

When I listened to the rest of the bottom half of the 9th inning, one of the announcers was on that I can’t stand. I am glad I watched half the game. I don’t know what happened to my buddy Dave. He was there in the first few innings that I was listening. He and Joe make a good duo. Not the other guy, Lou. Lou I can’t stand. His analysis of the game or the pitch or whatever is so over done it’s not funny. And you aren’t watching the game so you have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Just annoys me.

I read some of Harry Potter to keep my mind occupied before the game. I really don’t but do like this book. It is emotional for me for some reason. I can’t stand when people cry and if people in the book that I like start crying, I will too. I am a sucker for other people’s sadness. So I was laughing and crying in the chapters I was reading. Good thing I read alone or my family members would really question my sanity.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since my earlier blog. I didn’t think I would have two blogs today but I got in the writing mood. I still need to email NYT again. I guess I will keep emailing them the same message until I get a response, if I ever get a response. I don’t subscribe to their column and wish I did. It would be nice to read other stories to see if someone publishes something similar to my story. Then I could stop emailing them. I didn’t think of this till now. I am kind of sow to these things. I filled my pill box for the week. Only pill I didn’t put in was the blasted hormone pill. I have to stop it so I can get my menses so this discharge fucking stops. I am so annoyed it is not funny. Every three months I got to take a break. It used to be five months now it’s three. I hate it, I really do. I think that is why I have been so out of things this past week. I have to go over my grocery list because I have close to $200 worth of stuff and I have no idea if it’s junk food or real food. I seemed to just click on something when I had a craving for a certain food. I know I ordered rice and steak and a couple of half pies. Those I will keep. The rest will have to go. I haven’t had pie in a very long time. My work used to make some excellent pies but for some reason their fruit pies started to suck as the crust became watery. It was gross. So their pumpkin or squash pie was the only thing that stayed good. I ordered a blueberry pie, which I know my mother will like. I also ordered pumpkin because I haven’t had it in over a year. I didn’t make it last Thanksgiving and for Christmas, my brother in law turned the pie into soup. I have no idea how the hell that happened but I wasn’t touching it. I made pumpkin pie once but forgot the sugar so it was terrible. I thought the evaporated milk would be enough and didn’t realize the mistake until after I cooked it. I plan on making pumpkin cupcakes soon as the weather cools down and isn’t so damn muggy.

Mixed State?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mixed State?

The hyperness that I was feeling earlier today is wearing off but it seems that it comes back when I am ready to sleep. The past hour has been rough. I have been going from racy thoughts to agitation and back. I can’t seem to focus on anything as I am very irritable. I was listening to the Sox game and one of the announcers I can’t stand. He was so annoying me. Then the game got out of hand and we are now losing to Cleveland 5-1. I am so pissed off because our left fielder cannot play left field. He has fucked up more fly balls than anyone I have ever seen. Even the visiting teams can play the wall but this idiot can’t. And he was put in the lineup today after injuring his foot, because he wants to “contribute”. Yea, to the OTHER team! I had to turn the game off. Now I am agitated and I don’t know if I will be able to sleep. I took my meds and added some perphenazine for the agitation. I hope it works.

I started writing in my journal about today’s events. I am thinking of writing a letter to my therapist. I have the itch to write despite all this stuff happening. I don’t know if my pdoc annoyed me today or not when she told me I was hypo. Now I can’t stop analyzing myself. I still feel pretty good, which is why I took the perphenazine as a precaution. I don’t need to be up till 3 AM. I have taken two pain pills and usually that slows me down some but it hasn’t tonight. I am thinking maybe this is the start of a mixed state. I just don’t know. It has been a long while since I last had one. In fact the last time I was hyper like this was back in February. I usually don’t become hypomanic so this is all new to me. The last time this happened it was followed by a severe depression that lasted several months with psychosis. I still am dealing with the delusions of the past psychotic episode. I told my pdoc today about them as every time I hear about ISIS and their god, it just reinforces my ideas. I think it was after I told her this, she said I was hypo. I don’t get it. How can feeling really good be hypomania? I know my sleep is fucked up, but that is my usual pattern. I have a couple of nights where my sleep is 3-4 hours and then I am up for about three hours, go back to sleep for another 3-4 hour stint and then be up for the day. Even my naps are short, if I do nap. Lately, I haven’t been able to. I am up at a certain time and then that is it. It varies. Sometimes, after I have therapy, I am able to take a nap. Therapy is difficult when your sleep is off. I keep trying to find stuff to talk about but sometimes I can’t so my therapist just talks. She likes talking.

The class that I was going to attend from the workshop place announced it today on Twitter. Now I am not so sure I can attend the class because there are only 12 seats available. I am just not sure I can register for the class in time because I don’t get paid until next week. It’s a class I really would like to take as it’s about editing drafts and such.

I haven’t got much of an appetite today. For dinner, I had peanut butter cracker sandwiches. It was too hot in the kitchen to make something. It might be 87 degrees outside but it’s like 100 in my house. I can barely stand the heat and humidity to gulp down the sandwiches. I don’t eat in my room. I am too afraid of bugs, even though there might be an occasional spider crawling around. I can’t sleep until I catch it or I know that it has crawled out of my reach and away from me where I can’t get it.

I have been thinking more about writing my story and will start tomorrow on it. I want to think about this a bit before I get it on paper. Before the game, I was listening to Luke Bryan’s new CD on YouTube. It sounds really good. Only song I didn’t listen to in its entirety was scarecrows because it was a very slow song compared to the rest of the album. Luke showed his southern drawl in that song. It wasn’t a love song from what I was gathering from the lyrics either. I don’t think the song will make it to the radio. I loved the duet with the lead singer from Little Big Town. I forget her name. That song might make it to the radio. I can’t wait to get the album next week. Seems a lot of country artists are teaming up more today than they were a few years ago. They co-write songs and hang out. Course there are more male artists than female, which is sad. Maddie and Tae seem to be the leading duo vocalists now that Sugarland disbanded. And Thompson Square hasn’t come out with new music since I don’t know when. They had a song called Trans Am but I have yet to hear it on the radio, but then it’s hard to get new music up in Boston than say down in Nashville. There are only two country stations in Boston and they both play the same songs, though I usually just hear WKLB more than the other station. KLB has been around the last twenty years. The other station just opened up last summer. I have never heard a DJ whenever I listen to them. I like KLB better anyway as I know the DJs for so long, even though two of them left the station a few months ago. I was heartbroken. The new guys stink, especially the one from 2-7. I can’t stand him. He is way too young and likes to talk more than play the music.

My ankle is still hurting me from this afternoon. I can’t seem to get it to calm down. I have tried swearing, they say that is good for when you are in pain but it hasn’t seemed to work too well. Pain meds have worked minimally. Course I have been up and down the stairs a few times so it didn’t like that one bit. I wish I could figure out why this pain flares up when it does. It doesn’t make any sense because I really didn’t walk too much today. Maybe I should take some nerve pain meds and see if that quiets it down some. Then I can differentiate between physical pain and nerve pain. It might also help calming down so I am not up all night. Last time I took the meds, I slept seven hours straight. I only woke up because I had to pee. Then I went back to sleep for a couple more hours. It was nice to sleep that long. But my meds seem to be kicking in so maybe I won’t be needing the meds. My foot is still throbbing like it usually is. I haven’t taken anymore pain meds as its too early to do so. Maybe I will just take one of the nerve pain meds so that I see what happens. I was planning on taking two. I see the physiatrist this week. I know he will be prodding me. Last time I was in agony that night. I am not looking forward to that appointment.

Sunday with no coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I finally blogged my paper last night. I thought about editing it and might end up doing it today. I was fairly tired after I typed up the five pages of writing I did for this paper. I put in a lot of work. It was well received by the people of Twitter. There was more that I wanted to write and if I do edit, I will put in more thoughts. It was blatantly obvious that people with lived experience were excluded from the thought process of these terms. However, the articles I were referencing were for researchers/clinicians. I am neither, though I am sort of a researcher as I like reading about the studies that have to do with suicide and suicide attempts. My library is evidence of that. I am a suicidologist at heart. If I ever do get the five grand, I will get a certificate in suicidology.

My Sox are sucking today with a rookie pitcher on the mound. Fuck. He just gave up his 3rd homerun of the game. UGH. It’s 7-0 Seattle. This might end up being a laugher, or revenge as we have kicked their butts the last two days. I don’t know if my boys can catch up.

My cream went bad so I didn’t have coffee today. I sure could use it. I am so sleepy. I am trying to avoid going back to sleep but it’s so difficult when you don’t have caffeine on board. I have been adding to my grocery list for my online order. It’s very easy to run up a tab as you just click, click, click on things. Half and half is definitely on my list.

I plan on getting in a shower sometime this evening. Also need to finish “Goblet of Fire”. It has been slow going because I tend to dissociate while I am reading. It hasn’t been pleasant to get totally involved in the book and find that only a half hour has past. It feels like more time has gone by and I am disoriented when I put the book down. I haven’t an explanation about why this happens. It could be because I secretly want to be a wizard. Having magic would be so great. But with the book, you just get lost in it. I don’t know if I am reading faster and that is why I get lost or because the writing is brilliant.

I missed the BPD chat tonight. I wasn’t in the mood to participate. Game is still going on. They are in the 12th inning and Seattle is threatening with the bases loaded. Sox have tied up the game at 8. And there goes the game as they are putting in Ross, who likes to score inherited runners. I hate him. He is such a sucky pitcher.