I had therapy again today. Not unusual as I have it every week. We talked a little bit about the class and my writing. I was hoping to get some insights into things but they never materialized. I sometimes feel like therapy is a waste of my time and that I should decide when to go, rather than have my therapist dictate the sessions. There was nothing in particular I wanted to talk about. We talked about how her phone has been messing up and losing connection. She is so overdue for an upgrade but is so old fashioned she won’t consider the possibility of changing phones. Granted changing phones is a hassle in the beginning but once you get used to it, it becomes second nature. Half way through out session, there was some static on the line. I don’t think it was my end so I didn’t say anything. I knew she would flip out. She is still clueless about my tones. I was sarcastic with her and that set her off. It was funny until I said I was being sarcastic, then she calmed down. I can really push her buttons when I want to. It’s payback for driving me nuts.
I’m listening to 1989 for the millionth and one time. I was going to listen to Luke Bryan’s new album but it is driving me nuts. There are some slow songs and then slower songs then really fast songs. You don’t know what you are going to get when it’s on shuffle. And my shuffle sucks. It could play the last three songs five times before it kicks out of gear to another song. And this is with a new phone. I know it’s the app, but I sort of like it because you can have access to it before the lock screen.
My day has been made when they announced that Hanley Ramirez will no longer be playing left field the rest of the season. He is an AWFUL outfielder. He has cost more runs scored than anyone. I can’t stand him. All the hype and he didn’t live up to it. Actually, no one lived up to the hype this season. That is why we are in last season, again. I think that if John didn’t get cancer, he would be out as manager. They have been playing better but I think they are out of the running for the wild card. The bullpen just can’t hold a candle to the wind when they get called up and the starters, even though they have pitched better, still can’t go more than 7 innings consistently.
I haven’t read “Order of the Phoenix” most of the week. Mostly because I was hypo and too hyper to read. Today I was too sleepy to think about reading. I think I am a little depressed and it’s interfering with my concentration. I was thinking of reading the suicide research articles that I printed out weeks ago, but I feel meh about it. I sort of lost my interest in reading them. I got my new SLTB journal and nothing interested me. There was one article that caught my attention but not enough to sit down and read it. I don’t know why I lost interest in suicide research articles. They are my “thing”. Maybe it is just a low level depression and that is why I can’t read my interests at the moment. I am just coming down from being super “high”. It’s going to be a while before I feel back to my normal, whatever that is.
Last night for the first time in months, I had side effects from my abilify. My arms felt like spaghetti. I couldn’t stand it so went to bed after writing my blog. There was no point trying to stay up any later as I was wicked tired anyways. The pain in my ankle was horrendous and I really didn’t want to fight through it. Not like I slept for a good length of time. I was thinking of waking up around 0800. Instead, I woke up around 0430 to tinkle. I have been going all day for some reason and I haven’t been drinking that much fluid. Weird. I don’t think I drank more than four ounces the whole day. Maybe I should drink some water.
I think my therapist needs to start acting like my therapist than my friend. If she did some psychodymanics more, maybe I wouldn’t be so frustrated sometimes after session. Like session was a waste. I miss the days where I would plan my sessions in what I was going to say and sort of come up with a treatment plan. She would be okay with it. But lately, I am not feeling it. We talk about stuff that isn’t important. Like my friends on Twitter. Sure they are important to me, but I don’t think they are relevant to therapy. Then we have the writing bit. I just have been writing this blog for the past two hours and it still isn’t finished. But that is all I write lately. I haven’t written anything for my book in months. It is so frustrating. I wish she wouldn’t bring it up because I feel so guilty about it. I have a shit load of time on my hands and I don’t use it well. I have never been a good manager of time. And I know that if I even planned a schedule, I wouldn’t stick with it. Today I needed downtime because I didn’t want to overtax my ankle. I was really hurting last night and even though I was feeling okay this morning, I still didn’t want to cause pain. It’s worked because I haven’t taken any pain meds today, least not yet.
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