Tag: chronic pain

Feeling sad and dysphoric

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I was able to keep my therapy appt today. We began EMDR which was kind of weird. She asked questions and I responded. Then she gave me some grounding stuff and appt was over. I went back to snooze until my cousin called to remind me to go grocery shopping. I picked up a few things. I most importantly bought turkey and burgers. I had a turkey roll up for lunch and am now making a burger for dinner.

There was a post by a hematologist I follow on twitter looking for blood donors. I sent a message to my pcp asking if my levels were OK for donating blood again. My iron levels were still low so not sure I can.

There was a MTF I met on Bluesky and I thought maybe we could be together but she is into women and I’m crushed. It set off some dysphoria. I feel sad. I am looking for someone but I am not. I just think it will be good to have a friend that I can talk to whenever and maybe have benefits with. My sexuality is all messed up. I don’t know if I want to be with a man or woman or MTF or what not. I still love being with a woman but but lately I’ve been thinking about penises so I don’t know what I want.

Last night or the night before I was up. I couldn’t sleep so read a chapter in critical Suicidology. It got the wheels turning so I wrote about 1300 words on my relationship with suicide. I don’t know if I should include it in the book I am writing. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. I’m thinking about sending this to my psychiatrist and get his input. I don’t see him till Nov I think and don’t want to wait that long. I am in the process of trying to find an editor. The one I thought I had from FB turned out to be the wrong kind of editor I need. So frustrating. Someone recommended another editor on FB and his info was wrong. Ugh hope my friend’s friend works out. Finding an editor is hard. And can be expensive. I am hoping once I finish, I will query publishing houses or something. I will only use Amazon as my last resort.

My worth

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up today dreading the day, wishing I were dead. I tried consoling myself by saying it is only one day but I felt miserable. I had therapy and my therapist didn’t seem concerned with my apathy and despair. We talked about what to get out of therapy more. She suggested EMDR. I told her I would look into it. She said it is an approved therapy. I was shocked to hear this as it was still experimental when I first learned of it. Course, that was nearly thirty years ago.

After therapy, I pondered what to do. I still need to bring the books I bought to my pcp’s office. I also need to pick up my meds. I just couldn’t get going so I did nothing. Until I realized I am out of mirtazepine. I forgot to pick it up yesterday. So I walked to the pharmacy around the block. My right ankle has been bothering me the last couple of days. It was ok until I hit the cement sidewalk. It got better as I walked down the street that I swear turns into a mile when I walk it. I had to walk uphill for about 200 feet and it killed me. There were people along the sitting areas so I couldn’t stop. I rested at the entrance. I looked at my phone as my cousin texted me. I was out of breath and I still had to go in the back of the store to get my meds. My calves were building up with lactic acid by the time I left. The guy that was on the bench had left so I sat for a while before turning onto the street that becomes too long. I finally got to my house and a tuxedo cat was on my porch. It startled me. I sat and collected myself while the cat ate.

I came across this meme and it is so me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Either my physical pain will flare or my mental pain will and when both do, I am in trouble. I could have asked my niece to pick up my meds but I wanted to go out. It was a nice day. Wasn’t too warm. Summer is almost over. Baseball season has a month left of games. I needed to go out to prove my worth. I may hurt later tonight but that is ok. It isn’t but what’s done is done.

Pic/meme

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, disability

I got my haircut today. I’ve been up since 4am. I had a hard time sleeping. Then I just decided to stay up. I asked my psychiatrist about increasing the mirtazepine and he agreed. I’ll put the increase in tomorrow’s box when I do the meds for the week.

My ankle still hurts but not as bad as last night. I am tired. I made the steak for dinner. I cooked it too much. It was a thick piece and well I am still learning. It’s not often I make steak. If it wasn’t raining I would have grilled it. My knees have been aching most of the day. It is cool but the rain is making things muggy.

I read a chapter in the Critical Suicidology book and wrote a message to my therapist. Problem was it was too long for the stupid web message so I had to take a pic of it and send it. I don’t know if it will be readable. I have the document saved in case she wants to read it for Monday’s appt.

I miss my mother. I’ve been wanting to call her the past couple of hours. It has been tough. I never thought I would miss her phone calls asking what I was doing or where I was. I came straight home after seeing my barber. I had no plans today. I might go south of Boston tomorrow to visit my cousin. It’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I hope I don’t get a migraine because of the rain. I told my cousin it will depend on how I feel. I am glad they are understanding. I hate canceling at last minute because I don’t feel well. But that is life with chronic illness.

Another crappy day, another migraine

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up around 430 to pee and went back to sleep. I had the longest dream about being on the orange line waiting for a train. I kept walking around and there was a syringe there where trans people could donate T. I tweeted the docs who were apparently doing this and then I decided to hold on to the syringe for safe keeping. Meanwhile trains were running but none were stopping or opening the door to get in. I finally realized I was on the wrong platform. I then boarded a train but it was going around the wrong way. I woke up with such a severe headache I couldn’t move. My alarms went off and I cringed from the noise. My head hurt so much. I finally decided to get up to take a migraine med. I then went downstairs for coffee. After I finished the cup, I realized I didn’t take my morning meds so I went back to my room. I took them and then just stayed there. I felt like crap. The migraine was gone but there is this pressure around my head. I call it the aftershocks of a migraine.

My pcp office called. A nurse I don’t know left a message asking how I was and to either call back or leave a web message. I left a web message. I checked the weather app to see if there was going to be stormy or rainy and there is neither. It’s just a cloudy muggy day. I need to go to the library to pick up my book. I might go to Starbucks for another coffee and start reading it. That is if I can manage a stupid shower. I have no energy but am pushing myself to do things.

I grabbed some clean clothes and headed toward the bathroom. My nephew was in there so I decided to make a sandwich and more coffee. I really hadn’t eaten much yesterday. I really wasn’t hungry but knew I needed to eat. I’ve been on this weird kick where one day I will eat and next I won’t. I am trying to lose weight but have nothing to show for it. My stomach is causing such dysphoria. I hate my body, part of the reason I hate showering is because I hate seeing me naked. I really didn’t know how fat I was until the chest things were gone. Part of me just wants to starve myself to lose the weight but I love food too much to give it up. I usually just eat one thing a day and not even a huge meal. Just a sandwich or some eggs. Something with protein so I am not so hungry.

I am trying to get myself in the shower. I was going to groom and might still do it. I’m not sure if I am going to shave my face or not. I might shave under my chin and neck. I am still experimenting with my beard. I am trying not to go back to my room because I know I will just lay down and sleep the afternoon away. I think my nephew left so I have the house to myself. Now I just need energy to do what I need to do…