Tag: chronic physical pain

Sunday Blog 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 4

I had a crappy night sleeping again. I woke up around midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till around 4. I hated it. Then my phone decided it was going to beep every few minutes after nine. It was stupid text messages from the T saying that this and that bus was running late. I don’t fucking care. I am not using the system today! But there is no way to stop the messages from coming in, unless you totally want to stop the service. And I don’t want that because I need to know if my bus or train is delayed when I need to use it.

Since getting up late, I have been doing nothing but eating. I had some pop tarts for breakfast and then I had a steak for lunch, two hours later. I haven’t eaten anything heavy, just some cookies and pasta salad but I feel empty. I don’t know if it’s emotional eating or what, but I hate it. The steak I had was a decent size piece. And I ate it all. It was very good. Now my brother in law is calling asking if I want some of his pork. I declined, politely.

I didn’t think I was going to blog today because I am so sleepy. Sundays are really my down days because I don’t usually have anything planned. I filled my med box for the week. I also got my Otterbox but can’t figure out how to get the sucker open to put my phone in it. It is really annoying me. I think I got the sucker on right. It is the right case and the buttons work so I am happy. Now I can relax on dropping my phone, accidently of course.

I realized last night that I never finished the review of the psychache scale that I started. I guess I really dropped the ball on it because I even forgot what the name of the document is called. I don’t know when I will get back to it.

Yesterday, I put up some lyrics about how I was feeling at the moment. The song was by Blake Shelton and the song was called “Don’t make me”. One of the lines was something like “If I am gone, I’m gone that’s that”. I normally write these on Twitter because I don’t get any back lash. Instead I wrote it on Facebook and OMG the responses were so serious. Fucking A. It was like I was writing a goodbye note or something. I hate it when people don’t get lyrics. Course, no one listens to the music I listen to, so it’s no wonder they are clueless. Just pisses me off when I have to explain things.

It’s like when my psychiatrist wanted me to write some code about my midnight writings to her. She felt that might help ease her anxiety about my darkness. But honestly, I am never aware of what I am writing in that state of mind. I am most of the time in a dissociated state. And really wonder if it really happened when I wake up the next day. There is no way I can put in a code word because I am not “with it” to do it. I know that she would like that but I am not there. And now I have to keep my phone on in case she does call me when she reads my writings. I hardly shut it off anyways, but it would be nice to shut it off once in a while. Like this morning so I wasn’t interrupted with text messages! There is a “blocking” feature on my phone but I am not sure how it works. I can set it up, in theory, to let only certain people call. I probably need a tutorial on it from the Sprint store so I don’t mess it up. It would suck if I blocked the wrong people, like my psychiatrist or therapist!

Ankle has been hurting today so I have not been in the best of moods. I am so tired of dealing with pain all the time. Normally, I can handle it. But when my sleep is off, I am more sensitive to it and it messes with my mood. It’s just another thing that I just can’t handle. It’s just an annoying kind of pain today, nothing that I haven’t experienced before. It is just annoying the crap out of me because I haven’t done anything to really warrant it hurting me. I have been sleeping most of the day so I don’t understand what its problem is.

My therapist still wants me to see her. I am going to try and take my sister’s car Tuesday after my father’s doc appointment and go to her office. It all depends on if my sister needs the car or not. I am hoping not.

Saturday Blog 25

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 25

Today is my nephew’s birthday party. He will be 21. I don’t know how this happened. One day he was snuggling in my arms. The next, he is an adult. I had to leave the party because my aunts do nothing but yell and scream at each other. Mostly it’s about who is right and who is wrong.

I am very tired today, though I did sleep through the night. I think yesterday’s excursions really took a toll on me. I literally was out of the house of the house for at least 12 hours. I haven’t been out that much since my injury. It was good to be out, but tiring. My ankle wasn’t happy last night but that was to be expected. I am just grateful that pain didn’t keep me up all night. Just took my pain pills and I was out.

I got a mass tweet this morning. I hate those because the retweets blow up my phone. It was telling me some paper was out. I had a look and lo and behold, my love/hate blog was there! I was so excited. It was at the end of the “paper” but it was there. So far it hasn’t generated any new views on my blog. But then, I am not expecting it to. I have no idea who this person was that created this paper. I don’t even follow him/her. It was just strange.

My groceries came this morning and after my nap, I finally had my Ring Dings. It was so good. I really could just feast on the chocolate alone, forgetting about the cream. I realized some time last night that I forgot to order bacon. Now I am going to have to go to the store and buy it. I hope that it is on sale. I had bought my mother mushrooms as they were on sale. Then she tells me she gets them for $0.99. I can never win with her. I have my steak that I will cook tomorrow. Now I am stocked with groceries for at least a few weeks.

My mood hasn’t changed. I still feel depressed. I really want to go back to sleep, and I might. Screw the party. I hate parties anyways. But it is my nephew so I have to make an appearance or two. I just wish I didn’t feel so lousy. I emailed my doc about vit D and whether that would be a reason why my mood has taken a nose dive. I haven’t been keeping up with the supplements. I just forget to put them in the pill box. I also need to get some more as I am running low. I have deficiency, which is why I take the supplements.

Vitamin D is an important vitamin. I used to be able to get on my soapbox about it but it has been a long time since going over the specifics about why this vitamin is so important. Lately, the research hasn’t been so positive as it was, but deficiency is rampant in the US. My belief, is if you have a deficiency, you should always replenish it because you may not know what ailments it is causing. You might actually feel better. I know that since taking the vit D, I haven’t had any chest colds or bronchitis. Immunity is one property of D. I did research with this so I know. I won’t go into specifics because it is kind of complicated.

My doc just emailed me back. She says it couldn’t hurt to restart it. So I will start taking it tonight. It might take a while to get my levels up. D is a fat soluble vitamin so it takes time for the levels to build up, even if you take the prescription form of 50,000 IU. I don’t take that much. I take 2,000 IU/day. My last levels that I had done was quite awhile ago. It was in normal range but I like it to be close to 50, which is half way between low and toxic.

Friday Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders

Friday Musings

I had my appointment with my pdoc today. She was very concerned about me and asked if she should put me in the hospital. I told her no. She then asked if there is a way for her to know that I am safe so that she doesn’t get concerned about Hyde’s writing, like using a code word or something. I told her probably not because most of the time, I am dissociating so am not aware of what I am writing. I brought everything out in the open, the date I planned on dying, etc. I was expecting her to call security but she didn’t. She is keeping a closer eye on me.

Here is my favorite actor talking about mental illness and depression and how he got through it. It made me cry.

Today, history was made with the legalization of gay marriage in ALL 50 states. I didn’t think it was going to go through. I seriously had my doubts. But the ruling stands and there is nothing anyone can do about it. So if people want to burn themselves, divorce, whatever, do through with it and see if I care! I can legally marry someone in my state (I could anyway but it wasn’t legal/recognized in others). I should be happy but the depression is making me sad. I have been sad all day, even upon hearing the news. I am still suicidal but I can’t kill myself. I am wicked frustrated over this. I don’t know what gets me through these episodes.

I saw some Twitter friends tonight. We talked for a few hours about lots of things, but especially about suicide as that is where we all met, the SPSM (Suicide Prevention SoMe) chat. It was nice sitting and talking about things.

I am beyond exhausted between leaving the house this morning to see my pdoc and then coming home, having lunch, then going back out again to meet up with my friends. Tomorrow I might be hurting big time but it was worth it.

Hyde Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

I was literally up all night. I went to pee around 0130 and that was it for me. I was up. I tried to go back to sleep but failed miserably. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 5ish. I am totally exhausted. Last thing that I wanted to do was have therapy but I really needed a session. My days are so messed up I was thinking tomorrow was Saturday. It’s not and I need to see my pdoc.

We talked about Hyde and how to deal with him. She wishes we were meeting in person so we could try and engage him more. Very doubtful as he only comes out at night. Very rarely or never have I “dissociated” during the day with him. It’s always at night, after 2100. I don’t know why he is coming out more. I told her about the email I sent to my pdoc that caused her to call me. I also told her that I am planning on killing myself during her vacation. She said I had to put it off. I don’t think it is going to be that easy. I told her to pick a date and she did. Oct 30th. She thinks that is my new date, but I don’t really know if it is or not. Only time will tell. We talked about the hospital but I am against it for many reasons. Yes it will keep me safe but I am not in danger. I am in more danger right now because I am vulnerable and I am wicked tired. Throw in some suicidal thoughts, and I am in. I told her my thoughts don’t mean actions. She suggested that I create a “Hyde” notebook to write in when I am in that bad agitated space. But Hyde doesn’t want to stay hidden. He writes with a purpose and to someone in particular. I guess you can say he is crying for attention, but the bad kind, or rather the severe kind. The kind that could get me sectioned. I see my pdoc tomorrow and I am going to try to stay out of the hospital. I know that if I don’t stop emailing my pdoc these horribly suicidally, depressing emails, I am going to end up there. It has happened before. That was why I created this blog, to write freely my suicidal thoughts so I don’t “bother” or burden my treaters with these thoughts. But lately, this blog just hasn’t been working the way that I was hoping. Maybe I should just be writing more blogs instead of letters/emails. I don’t know. My therapist knows that Hyde cannot be ignored. I wish I could say that he is harmless but the stuff that he writes makes me believe it. I am usually horrified the next morning. I just can’t believe something so dark comes from me.

I am going to give the notebook thing a try. There is no guarantee that it will work. It would be easier to just write a word doc and call it “Hyde musings” or something. This way I don’t have to a) read my handwriting and b) type up what I wrote for my therapist to analyze. Something needs to happen. If I dissociate while writing, god knows what I will do. Half the time, I am not even aware of what I am writing. Soon as it is written, it’s out of my memory banks. That is why I wrote the blog with my pdoc’s email. Maybe my pdoc has some ideas of what to do, but I know that medication is not the answer and neither is the hospital.