Tag: chronic physical pain

Just Another Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today is Father’s Day so to all the fathers reading this blog, Happy Father’s Day to you.

I didn’t celebrate with my father today. I was in too much pain and had an awful night sleeping. I woke up in the early morning and didn’t go back to sleep until around 5ish. I was done for the day and it just started. I haven’t even called my father to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, but oh well. I really don’t care.

My mood has been in the dumps. Being in pain is no fun. I am still full from yesterday’s meal and the little I did eat today, didn’t help my stomach. I feel nauseous at times and feel really bloated. My mood is so sour, like my stomach, that I feel like doing something to harm myself. I just want to sleep and I can’t. I have been having fleeting fantasies of what I would do but I just cannot act on it. I plan on taking my meds early tonight and hopefully go back to sleep, once I get some Ativan on board.

Pain is driving me crazy. Ankle and foot both hurt. I think walking in the sand while we were on the beach last night did something to my ankle, even though I didn’t feel anything unusual. I know that it is just that I have done too much in the last few days that caused a flare up. I feel like I have been popping pain pills all day but I really haven’t. I have just taken two since waking up around 1330. I just feel so tired because my sleep was interrupted.

I missed chat today. I was listening to the ball game and lost track of time. Usually, I am on Twitter while listening, but today I wasn’t. I really haven’t been on the laptop that much today. I just have been lying down, trying to get back to sleep and failing miserably. I still need to get back to my pdoc about how I am doing. She wrote to me yesterday about how much she liked one of my blogs. I still haven’t thanked her for it.

My former therapist that I sent my book to wrote to me a nice letter back. She was honored to get the signed book. She wishes that I wasn’t in so much pain all the time. She read my book and thinks its wonderful. I was extremely hesitant to open the letter. I was going to wait till I saw my therapist on Tuesday but then I realized that was being silly. She looks forward to my next book. I will have to send her out a card telling her it is out, when I do publish it. Now I have more people that want my second book. This is putting more pressure on me because I still am having trouble coming up with new stuff to write. And I still have to edit what I have. I am hoping that by editing it, I can add to it, not only change a word here or there or take one out. Oh the joys of editing!

It’s been a struggle to write something. My blog tends to be easier because I write off the top of my head and don’t stick with a topic or idea. I am usually all over the place but sometimes I stay on with what I am talking about. I am still thinking about writing the idea of the aliens and the militant group but I don’t know if I will get far with it. I don’t have much creativity. It’s slowly got lost over the years. I guess if I wrote bullshit, it would be easier to write, I think. But then I am not being honest and that is not good.

Random 532

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I just come home from a night out with friends. I turn on the baseball game and they lost the 4-1 lead. Starting pitcher allowed a few hits, balk, and then a homerun. Game is now being lead by KC. I am so fucking pissed. The Sox lost the game 7-4. Assholes.

I had a good time out with my friends. We saw my adopted nephew in a dance recital and then went out to dinner. I overate big time. I don’t think I am going to eat tomorrow. I am just a stuffed pig right now. And my stomach is hurting. I always seem to get a stomach ache after eating a very large meal. It just makes me very uncomfortable. I should know better.

I had emailed my “Love/Hate” blog to my psychiatrist. She really liked it. She said it was the best piece she has ever read about this issue. It made me feel good that she likes my writing. I wonder if my therapist is going to read both blogs I sent her. It’s funny, but I wanted her opinion on the 1st blog that I sent her on Darkness, not the “love/hate” one. Maybe the other one was stupid and that is why she didn’t comment on it. I haven’t received any comments on the “Darkness” blog since putting it out there. But then, I generally don’t get comments on my blogs.

I was reading a blog on my fellow blogger friend. She is having a hypomanic episode right now. She tried getting in touch with me earlier but I was too tired to talk. Between the meal and then the little walk on the beach afterwards, I was pretty exhausted. I was out of the house for a good eight hours, the longest I have been out in a long time. I didn’t enjoy the walking on the sand much but I did love the water. I love being by the water and watching the waves roll in. It kind of sucked because a truck was playing awful music full blast. It was interrupting the tranquility of the moment.

I feel sad now that I am back to being alone in my house. It’s past 0300 and my mother is asleep. I just woke up with a stomach ache and a bad dream. And now my foot is throbbing. Never fails. It won’t be hurting me when I wake up right away but soon as I am, bam! I am hurting. I took some meds so I am not hurting anymore and maybe get back to sleep. The dream was about working in an LGBT office. My boss was asking me why I hadn’t tucked my boobs in. And I pretty much said that I didn’t know how. She then said that we will go shopping so I can find something that works for me. Then I woke up. I never had a dream like that before. I have bought some things that would constrict my chest but they were always so small because I am a very large person. The last time I bought something, it was from China I think and even though it was extra large, It still didn’t fit half way across my body. Some people have suggested I wrap an ace bandage around myself. But how do you do that alone? Besides, as much as I hate my chest, I don’t like constriction. I have enough of that psychologically that I don’t want it physically.

I am feeling very sad and I don’t know why. It’s not the depression that I usually feel. I just feel really sad. It’s Father’s day and I won’t be going out with my family to “celebrate” it with him. I really need to rest my ankle as I have been doing too much the last few days. I guess I feel sad because I have a father rather than a dad. I can’t change that and it makes me sad. My father will never be what I want him to be and that is a loss. I have trouble dealing with it because I once had my father on a pedestal where he could do no wrong. I had believed in him and now I can’t believe a word he says. He is more of liar than anyone I know.

It also makes me sad that my pain interferes with my ability to go to functions and have a “life” with my family. Sure, I could ignore the pain but at what cost? I know this won’t bode well for me and I have a busy week ahead between picking up my niece and then having my appointments. I have an appointment with the NP for my pain management and also for my pap. I am not looking forward to either. I have gained weight so I really don’t want to see a doctor’s office. But I think if I limit my eating the next few days, I might be able to slim down. Having a stomach ache helps. Then I have to deal with a female exam. Everyone that I talk to says that it is important that I have it done. But I am a male. I shouldn’t have it done. I am nervous about it because I haven’t had one in 10 years or so. I am scared that I will leak. I will try and use the bathroom before the appointment but that is no guarantee that I still won’t leak. I once went to the bathroom before taking a shower and after the shower, I still leaked. It was awful because I then had to shower again. But this is home, not when I was out. I will warn her, just in case. I don’t think she knows that about me. I know my PCP knows, but who reads someone’s record these days?

A Harrowing Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Harrowing Day

Since early this morning, before I actually woke up, my phone was going off with text messages. Apparently, the bus that I take was having problems. It was late, real late. So instead of waiting till my appointed time that I was going to take the bus, I decided to catch an earlier one. Soon as I hit the square, there was traffic galore. No wonder the bus was late. I thought the problems cleared up by the time I finished with my appointment but it didn’t. It was ten minutes late and there was an elderly gentlemen with severe arthritis that couldn’t get off the bus at his stop without assistance. I have seen this gentleman before and it’s painful to hear him groan at every move. I feel for him as I know what that is like. This caused the bus to be further delayed while other passengers were helping the man off the bus. I don’t understand why he travels alone. He should have someone with him.

My appointment went well. I met with my psychiatrist and couldn’t help but cry a little. At one point, I thought I was surely going to breakdown but I didn’t. We were talking about how depressed I am about the TG stuff and how my writing is affected by the depression. I also told her my taste buds are off. She sympathized with me because I can’t drink my coffee without it tasting like crap. Everything tastes off. Even the Doritos I had with my lunch didn’t taste right, and they were the spicy kind. I am very depressed and get annoyed quickly.

I finally got in contact with the buyer of my Otterbox. She still has not received it so I told her it is at a post office in her area. I gave her the tracking number so she can track it. I should have used UPS or something and will next time. The Post office is just not reliable.

I woke up in pain again this morning. I thought I would have to walk with a cane today, the pain is that bad. I took a pain pill when I came home because while going to CVS, I misjudged a step and my foot came down hard on the street. That hurt! I still need to pick up my niece but not for another hour and a half from now. I hope the pain settles down some. It is the same type of pain that I have been having the last three days. My psychiatrist asked me about my physical pain and I told her it has been fine so far, not causing me psychological trouble like it usually does. But I fear that if this continues, it might cause me problems. I forgot to tell her I made an appointment with the physiatrist. I’ll be seeing her next week so I will tell her then. She said she wishes she had a magic wand to help me. I was comforted by that. It just kills me that my heart is being torn in two, one for good, the other for death. I told her that I am trying to stay away from plans and stuff but it’s difficult as I already picked out a date. I still want to try my idea, but I didn’t tell her that. She asked if I would be okay for me to walk out of her office. Took me a couple minutes to respond to that. I felt like telling her my idea, but I held back. I see Bozo next week so we will be talking. She also wants me to keep her in the loop more, not just for my writing. I told her ok. Now I know she is worried about me.

Last night I wrote something that I will be blogging soon. It is about the love/hate relationships of therapy. I would have finished it last night (I hand wrote it) but I got too sleepy. I was exhausted from dealing with my father yesterday. I slept pretty good, until my phone kept beeping. I should have shut the ringer off last night but I don’t think of it. Course, I wasn’t expecting 12 text messages from the T either (public transportation system).

Last night I was telling my therapist that I am going to nix the “Darkness” story. I don’t think I can publish it knowing it is so depressing. It’s one thing to publish it on my blog, but a book? Who would want to read it?? I don’t know what to do. My therapist says to leave it and I told her that I am sending her the link to the blog so she can judge it. And she has to judge it as unbiasly as possible. I can never get her to be critical of my work. Course, anyone that reads this book/blog never judges me critically. Maybe it’s me that is judging. I don’t know, it’s just frustrating that I am horrified by my own writing!

What A Day!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up in pain, which is the first time in as many days. I haven’t been in pain in the morning in a long time. But it happened today and I could barely put weight on my foot while I was taking a shower and getting around the house to get ready for dealing with my father. I ended up taking a pain pill, something I usually don’t do when I have to go out, but the pain was so bad. I had to take something. I made myself some breakfast before leaving because I knew I would be at the hospital for most of the afternoon and will have a sugar crash around lunch time if I didn’t eat anything. That would be bad because I would become very cranky. I went to Starbucks and got my mocha, free as it was my reward. I had it loaded, with shots of caramel, hazelnut, and espresso (4). I needed the caffeine to get me through the day.

I spent most of the damn morning and afternoon dealing with my father. I had to endure his greedy stories about how bad my grandmother was to him and to her own family (not true by the way but he thinks it is). I couldn’t take the whole conversation, AGAIN. He has it in his mind that my mother’s family is living off the high horse (which they aren’t) and he has to scrape by, which he deserves because he is an asshole. I kept telling him I don’t care to listen to this bullshit (didn’t say that or I would not be living right now), but he kept talking away with such vengeance. I cannot stand him. I hate him. I really do. It stresses me out and all I wanted to do was get the fuck away from him. So much so that I nearly forgot to put one of his medications in his box, so I had to go back to his apartment after I left. He just gets me so riled up it’s not funny.

While I we were waiting for the doc, who of course was running late, my therapist texted me with a time she had available. I really didn’t want a session today but after the stories and lies my father was telling me, I think I need it. Did I mention how much I hate my father? The doc gave us a six month appointment follow up. My father is telling everyone he gave him, “6 months” because he is doing so well. I had enough of his exaggerations. And I still have to deal with him on Father’s day. I was going to get him a gift but I think I will wait until I have money this week. What difference does it make if it’s a few days late? We are taking him out for dinner. I don’t know what the name of the place is called but it’s in my hometown that I grew up in. I don’t consider where I am living now to be my hometown and never will. I hate it here, but I can’t afford to live on my own so I just suck it up.

It was cold when I left the house so I dressed appropriately. Then the heat turned up and I was dying. It got really warm by 1400. I am in my AC’d room cooling down. I don’t care that it isn’t a heat wave, I just need cold air. Because the pain in my foot is still acting up, I made an appointment with my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor). I think something is going on with either the tendon or with my toes. Whatever it is, I am in serious pain. But I have no swelling, which is odd. Usually I only get foot pain if my foot swells, but it’s not swollen. Damn nerve damage has really fucked me over. I would see my PCP but I know he is just going to refer me to the physiatrist. It just sucks that I am having a hard time getting around today. I don’t have anything to do the rest of the afternoon so I am just putting my foot up on my bed and going to wait till the pain meds kick in. I have thought of moving it along faster by drinking alcohol but I don’t think my therapist or psychiatrist would approve. Honey whiskey from Jack Daniels will have to wait another day.

While I was at Starbucks this morning, I did some writing, but no editing. It was way too early and I didn’t have the brain power to do it. So I just wrote in my journal for an hour. I was tempted to get a breakfast sandwich but my funds are running low so I have to be skimpy. I have a 0930 appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist so I need coffee more than a sandwich. I think I will have the same drink I had today. It was very good! I love my snickers latte.

I forgot to mail my therapist her letter, again. I totally forgot about it until I was at the bus stop. Figures. It’s just about the book review that I wrote, nothing else. WOW, I cannot believe the throbbing of my toes right now. It’s like someone is hammering each bone in my foot. I feel really nerve wracked about this. I hate being in pain and I have been most of the day. I had to walk to my father’s pharmacy to pick up his prescription and then walk to his apartment complex. The doctor just wrote for a week’s supply, which I am not happy about. I called and left a message as that is just not good practice. If it was his cholesterol pill, fine, but it’s his heart medication that controls his heart rhythm. My father has afib so kind of needs this medication. And I hate that I would have to call back next week for yet another refill because this asshole is an asshole. My father doesn’t have an appointment with him till the 30th. He could have written the script until that day, which is two weeks away. I just get frustrated with this doctor. He is always in a rush, writes shit while not talking to you, flips through papers while trying to talk to you, and I just get annoyed. He thinks I am going to jump ship to his system, he is crazy. All my father’s doctors are at the hospital I took him to today and that is where he is going to stay. I am not going to switch him to the worst hospital in Boston because that is where this jerk practices out of. Not while I have a say over my father’s medical care, and my sisters are behind me on this. It’s just sad that I can’t get a PCP at the hospital where I take him. If I worked there, I would know who to call but I don’t anymore.

What the fuck is it with my parents annoying me today?? I know I am in pain and that doesn’t help but fucking A. My mother just called about dinner and was being snotty about it because I didn’t want eggs. UGH! I need to get the fuck away from them, I really do!