Tag: chronic physical pain

My Saving Grace

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Figured I would start writing and see where it leads me. My mood is still awful, though not really suicidally awful. It has tampered down from the other night. I am in pain tonight, which is clouding my judgment on things. I want to attempt but I am afraid that I will bail. I see my psychiatrist in two days, well, one day now that it is almost Thursday. My therapist is full so I won’t be talking to her, unless she has a cancelation. I don’t know why I am having these thoughts and they always seem to happen at this hour. It is so peculiar. During the day, I have fleeting thoughts of self-destruction but at night, the feelings intensify. I know I am tired and most likely vulnerable, but I also want to sleep and cannot.

I just finished a chapter in the “Idiot” and am so confused. I know someone is going to die soon. I just don’t know who it is going to be. I also know that the main character Myshkin is going to have another fit. I just don’t remember when it will be.

I am listening to Taylor Swift. I find that listening to her when I am in this kind of mood temporarily lifts my spirits. Her music is my saving grace. I started off the playlist with “Love Story”, which is my #1 favorite song of hers. I don’t know why her music lifts me up. Most of her song are definitely upbeat, especially her latest album, 1989. But I love her as a person. I can’t love her more than that because, well, it would be weird with the age difference and all. I am more than a decade older than her. And she is straight, so it wouldn’t work even if it could.

I know since she has left country and went pop, there seems to be less woman on country radio. There is a huge populace of male artists/groups. Where are the women of country?? Sara Evans, Jo Dee Messina, Mary Chapin Carpenter (long gone I know), even Carrie Underwood. For every male song out there, there seems to be less female songs. It’s just sad that the men have overtaken the radio waves.

I still have been thinking about sending my sister a message about the TG stuff. I just need to get out of this funk of depression. Otherwise, I might try to take my life before anyone knows what for. I just really am vulnerable right now. The slightest thing that goes wrong, I fear I might do what I have been thinking about. I don’t need to be in the hospital. It would be pointless and besides, I would get discharged without any treatment. The most they would do is drug me up and then send me home. That is not what I need. I tried to extend my stay the last time I was in, and it was not a good experience. I really don’t want to repeat it. It has been almost a year since I have been in the hospital. And besides, with me having to pick up my niece the next week and half, I really can’t be in the hospital. I hate being in the hospital because it always messes up my med schedule. You have to take them when THEY say you do, not when I want to take them. So it I take my meds at 2100, I can’t take them at that time. It has to be before that time. Or if I want to take them at 1900, I can’t take them until 2000. It just sucks. And the amount of pills they give you is way more than what I take I home. For example, they break up my BP meds so I am taking four pills instead of one. It drives me nuts!! I am at the med counter for at least twenty minutes because I am throwing back like 20 pills when I take half that at home. That is one of the reasons I don’t want to go back to the hospital.

I read an interesting blog today. It was a letter to a “friend” and it was signed “nervous wreck”. Here is the blog: https://talkingthisandthat.wordpress.com/2015/06/02/a-letter-of-regret-from-your-anxious-and-depressed-friend/ . it is an interesting letter and I like it a lot. It is kind of like the spoons blog but this is for mentally disabled people.

I am sort of glad I have an appointment with a NP next week. I think I have a lump under my armpit. I don’t know what that means. But I know it can’t be good. I probably won’t do anything about it if it is a lump. Free cancer, I will take it if it gets me to the grave faster.

Meh Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a meh day. I had wanted to do some stuff today before going out but that never happened. So I decided to stay in. I was so sleepy after my therapy session. I rested a couple of hours. My phone kept going off though so I really couldn’t get into a deep sleep. My cousin called to say my mother had bags but I didn’t answer it. Hell, I wasn’t going to risk a flare up of pain because he refused to go up the stairs. It wouldn’t hurt him. It would hurt me.

I then get two ‘unavailable’ phone calls. The 1st didn’t leave a message. The second call did. It was strange. It said that I was being taken to court, but couldn’t give the reason, and they would sign the documents required. Whole thing was fishy. Normally, collections don’t leave messages like that. Hell, even lawyers don’t leave messages like that! I haven’t received anything in the mail the last few weeks telling me I am being taken to court. Sure I owe money, who doesn’t. But it would be nice to know who is taking me to fucking court! Damn jerks. And besides, there has been no summons in my mailbox telling me I have to be in court. They didn’t identify themselves in the call so I am just going to ignore it.

I have been so sleepy today that I didn’t make coffee. I haven’t done nothing I was going to do today. Though, I still might take a shower tonight. So much for editing my book. I know it will get done. It’s only 42 pages. It’s not overwhelming me, yet. Once it does, I will hire an editor. I was going to hire the same one but she never answered my question about time frames so I don’t think I am going back to her. I became friends with her on FB and all she writes is that she is “busting her butt with all this work”. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It’s tiring. Last time I tried working with her, it took 4 months after my last payment to her to work on my book.

I had therapy. I wish it went well, but it didn’t. She kept on going off about my sister interfering with my telling my mother about my TG issues and how I want to be named. I told my therapist, I wasn’t going to pursue the matter. And half way through session, I just wanted to get off the phone with her. I don’t even want to talk to her tomorrow, but it’s too late to cancel. I usually like talking with my therapist but sometimes I get into these moods where I don’t want to talk at all, to anyone. My therapist calls it the “fuck its”. She also wants to know my psychiatrist’s input on what I have been sending her. I really don’t care and its not like she (pdoc) is going to tell me. If she wants to find out, why doesn’t she call her? I don’t understand why I have to be the middle man. I don’t see my pdoc until next week anyways. I could be in a worse mood by then.

I have been following a bipolar Twitter account. It asks questions about how to manage certain symptoms of bipolar and the like. I was reading I think yesterday how one person wrote 50,000 words in one night because s/he was manic. I’m lucky to write a thousand in one of my extreme moods. If I get going, I can easily write at least two thousand, but I have never written more than an hour or two, and certainly, not all night. Some people go by pages. My writing partner does that. I don’t know how many words are in those pages but she gets them done. I have to try and start putting myself on a schedule if I want this book to happen. But it’s so hard to write when you are not in the mood and can’t think of anything to say. My blogs are easier because it’s just a telling of how my day went, my online journal. Sure when I am piped up on something, my writing goes on and on, but for the most part, I try to keep it within three pages. Only my papers on suicide are longer than that.

Sox are winning so far at the bottom of the 7th inning. Last night they lost again. I can’t say that I was disappointed. I expected them to lose. If you expect a loss, you can’t be disappointed, right?

Saturday Blog 24

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 24

I had a late sleep. I didn’t get up till after 1100. I haven’t done much, except answer a few emails and editing/format my book. I wrote up the title page. Once I have another 50 pages or so, I will enter the book in my writing cue so I can get the ISBN number to add to the word doc. While going through the pages, I realized I had written something twice so I took it out.

It’s a warm Saturday, temperatures in the 80s. I went out to get my prescription and was really hot just walking the short distance that I did. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a cook out but I did something to my toe and can barely walk without pain so I doubt I am going to go. It really sucks because my cousin has a pool. I am hoping that if I stay off it the rest of the night, it might get better. I somehow caused my toe to get a blister and it is all red and swollen. It’s my nerve damaged toe so I can’t really “feel” it. I am listening to the Sox in extra innings, the score is tied at 4.

I haven’t done much in self care. I wanted to take a shower but haven’t yet. I probably will before bed. My mood still sucks. I haven’t been able to get out of it. My sister called my mother today and I was afraid that she was going to say something about last night but she didn’t. I forgot to send the blog I wrote last night to my therapist. I will later. She isn’t going to read it until our next session anyway. I just feel like I am not being validated. And that hurts more than anything. That is why it sent me to a crisis mode last night. I reached out but a blogger friend helped me more than the crisis line did. Sometimes, when you are in that mode, all you need to do is talk to someone who understands. My friend is gay so she gets some of the issues. She has a friend that is MTF so is understanding of transgender issues. I just wish my family had a fucking clue.

I finished the book about Shame and Perfectionism. Apparently, all you need is self-awareness to overcome the depression and anxiety in your life to change the abyss. The last chapter was so full of bullshit I could use it as toilet paper. Throughout the book, the author reiterates over and over how she hopes this book helps the reader, like it is a god-send or something. Anything but. The exercises she gives are complex and requires serious thought which sometimes is clear enough, but some of the exercises are not so straightforward. It would have helped greatly if she gave an example of an answer in real language, rather than clinical talk. The book did help in some areas and I have written about it in a letter to my therapist. I am going to use this paragraph as part of the review I am going to send. It will be in a little bit more detail, but that is the gist of what I will be writing about.

My brother in law asked if I was still going tomorrow. I told him it depends on how I feel. He said we will be taking my sister’s car, which I will be driving home as I am the designated driver. If I don’t go he will be screwed. I really want to go but I don’t want to be in pain the whole time I am there. It will be miserable for me and it’s not like I can just drop them off and come home and wait for them to call when ready to come home. My cousin lives too far away for that. So I guess I will be going, regardless of how I am feeling. I will pack a bag tonight for tomorrow. I hope it turns out okay.

Random 645

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Last night I was bored so I printed off my book so that I could edit it sometime today. I wasn’t planning on being in pain, however. My foot exploded last night and again this morning. I took my pain meds and despite drinking coffee, I feel like I need a nap. Surprisingly, my toner yielded all 42 pages without any skipping or runs. This is the one that the printer came with and I am happy that I don’t have to use my new toner, yet. It’s surprisingly efficient given that you usually only get about 20 pages of stuff before it goes. I have printed almost 60 pages of stuff on this cartridge. I will keep it as long as it keeps printing!

I am in a lot of pain. Just walking down the stairs to make the coffee hurts. I am supposed to go to my cousin’s house this weekend for a party. I will be the designated driver as my brother in law wants to drink. Question is whether the day is Sun or Sat. I texted my cousin but haven’t heard back from him, yet. It’s his son’s birthday and they are having a BBQ and pool party. I am kind of anxious about it because he is in a state far away from home. I just hope I don’t get the antsies to get back home because it is a long ride. I just heard pool and I was sold. I might bring a notepad with me just in case I get the urge to write. I don’t think we will be there more than a few hours, but knowing my family, it can go until the evening hours and I hate driving at night.

The Shame book that I am reading has a few errors in it. A couple of words were spelled wrong and there are some punctuation issues. So much for being perfect! I guess when you publish independently and don’t use an editor, things like this happen. But then, I hired an editor and there was a punctuation error that I found in my book. Guess we all can’t be perfect. I am learning a lot from this book and last night when I was reading how to deal with parents, it gave me the words of kind of what I want to say to my mother about my TG issues. Now I just need to write it and go over it with my therapist. Once this happens, I will give it to my mother. I know my therapist won’t be picky about what I write. And I know whatever I do write, she is going to be okay with, but I want the wording to be right so there isn’t a huge fallout.

I haven’t had anything to eat, yet, except a banana and coffee. I just don’t know what I want to eat. I could make some eggs but that involves standing and I just don’t want to. I am in too much pain to stand. I do have to go out today and pick up my prescription. I haven’t figured out how I am going to get there with my ankle being so sore right now. I might need to walk with my cane. Or just wait until the pain meds settle it down some. I really hate taking my meds during the day but this pain is unreal. I really hate it, but there is nothing I can do about it (besides take meds and be off it).

I finally remembered to take my morning blood pressure meds. I missed two days in a row because I forgot. I am glad I have an app that reminds me to take my meds or I will always be forgetting more often and that would not be good. I think that is the reason why I had been anxious the past two days. The BP med is a beta blocker that also helps with anxiety. I was first put on it in the hospital last August because my BP was unstable and I was having panic attacks as well as chest pain. I emailed my psychiatrist last night because I was anxious again, not bad, but enough to make feel like I was going to lose it. I told her all I could do was take an Ativan.

My sister texted me to see if I told my mother yet about the TG stuff. I told her I haven’t yet. It will be soon enough. I will probably write a first draft tonight. She was questioning why I am not telling her face to face. I just can’t. If it goes the way I think it will go, I will be terribly suicidal afterwards and I want my therapist to be around. I tell her now, my therapist isn’t available, I can be lethal and I don’t want to end up in the hospital. I haven’t told my other sister my plans. She hasn’t been “alone” for me to talk to her privately. I don’t even know if she knows I am TG. She read my book but she didn’t say anything to me about being TG or question anything I wrote. All she said was “well written”. I honestly don’t know how she is going to take the news either. The whole process is making me nervous. I guess that is why my anxiety is up.