Tag: chronic physical pain

Sports rant and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sports rant and other things

Patriots have received their verdict on deflategate. A one million dollar fine for the team and Tom Brady is suspended for four games. All because he supposedly deflated a bunch of footballs for a championship game. According to the report that was made, said it was “probable”. How they defined this, I don’t know. Meanwhile someone who committed domestic violence gets suspended for two games. Seems fair. You deflate footballs, you get four game suspension. You beat your wife publicly, you get two games. I don’t fucking get it. The NFL is a fucking joke right now. Appeals will be made. I think this is just a hoopla to keep the NFL in the news as it is the offseason. No one should care about football until August, when pre-season starts. As hard as I am trying to ignore this, I can’t. I really like Tom and I don’t think he is a cheater. Cheaters don’t win 42-7.

The baseball game is late today. The Sox are on the west coast so the games don’t start until 22:00. I hate west coast games. There was talk that the lineup was going to change so I was scanning Twitter all friggen day to see if it was true. But it wasn’t. The lineup was the same, with the exception of Victorino being added to it. He came off the DL today. I hope he stays healthy. We need his bat, and his speed around the bases.

I have been feeling tired all day. I took a nap for about forty-five minutes. I really didn’t want to get up but my bladder was calling. It was humid today and still is, though I think with the sun going down, it’s cooling off and getting tolerable. I cannot stand humidity and heat. It will make me crazy. Tomorrow we are getting the remnants of Ana, a hurricane that was off the coast of the Carolinas. I am glad it will be raining. It has been really dry the last few days. We aren’t expected to get rain the rest of the week. Which probably means more sunshine. I hate sunshine. It just is too bright. It also makes me kind of suicidal. There was a study that showed that suicides tend to occur when sunshine happens for more than 7 days but not more than 30. It was an unusual finding and one that I didn’t really understand. But I do believe it. I tend to be more suicidal during the summer months than I am any other time of the year. Except it’s not even summer yet. It’s still spring. Total wackiness. But I will take the good weather over the freezing cold. This winter was harsh.

I am depressed. The past two days I have been getting by eating three oatmeal cookies and a sandwich. Yesterday I had the cookies and a hot dog. I couldn’t finish the second one. Then later that evening tried to have sausages and potatoes and I was up most of the night with a stomach ache. I just ate too much food, even though it really wasn’t. I don’t get how my appetite can be feast or famine sometimes. I wish I would lose weight but it’s just not possible because I am so inactive. I know that if I was working, I would have no trouble losing the weight during days I don’t eat. I just feel full and bloated. If I didn’t know any better, I say I am the size of a full grown cow. All I had was a turkey sub. And I had to finish the last half of it by forcing it down. I wasn’t going to waste half a sandwich. My mother would have a fit.

I don’t think I am going to be able to stay up past midnight to listen to this game. I just am wiped out and I don’t know why. I really didn’t do much today. I delivered some stuff to my father, took a nap, then picked up my niece from after school. I watched her for about an hour while I read my book and she played on the computer. I am reading “Brilliant Blunders” by Mario Livio. It’s an interesting book. Part I am reading right now is dealing with how DNA was discovered. And it was by a blunder that it wasn’t by another person other than Watson and Crick.

I hate that on days when I don’t go out by T, I am more tired than if I just stayed at home. I guess driving takes more out of you than you think it does.

Letter Writing Part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Letter writing part 2

Last night, I tried to finish the letter I started for my therapist. I was hoping it would stir up the same feelings as it did before but it didn’t. I guess I wasn’t in the same state of mind. Then I was thinking of typing up the letter I wrote to my therapist the other night, but am afraid that it will trigger the suicidal feelings that I have. The feelings are still kicking around, though they are not as powerful as they were the other night. It’s weird how they can be strong one night and non-existent the next. But as bad as those feeling were, I think my therapist will want to read my letter. I find it best to write a blog and then password protect it so no one else reads it and becomes concerned. I find that is the best way to expedite my letters to her as she doesn’t use email. She may be the last person on the planet that doesn’t use email on a regular basis. And because we don’t meet regularly, it’s hard to hand her stuff. The blog has worked out well as a go between.

I babysat my niece twice today because her father needed to go out. It was kind of good because I got to watch the ball game on the big screen TV they have. My team won so I will be having a shot of Patron later today. I watched the entire game and my foot is throbbing big time. I don’t know why sitting in a seated position causes me so much pain. I even had my foot up for a while but it still didn’t help with the pain. I am reclining now, on my bed, as I am typing this. My ankle still hurts but it’s not as bad as it was when the game ended two hours ago.

I had a BPD chat that I participated in this evening. It went really well and was really fast paced. There must have been 30 or so participants in the chat. At one point, someone got concerned and I think I missed the post. I got lost as I was trying to find out why this person wanted to be direct messaged. I couldn’t find it so I just didn’t respond to the tweet.

I just read that students at the University of Texas want to get rid of the statue of Jefferson Davis. First it was the American flag (all of whom were not born in the US) and now the Texans want to remove the South’s figure? Who the hell do they think they are?? I am for students protesting and not going along with the school but if they hated the statue, why the fuck did they go to that university when there are a million others?? And for the students that wanted to remove the National flag, why the hell did they come to this country?? As the saying goes, if you don’t like our flag, we’ll help you pack!! It just pisses me off. I know my country is falling apart when I see shit like this happen. I mean, I can kind of understand why they would want him gone. He was the president of the Confederacy but Texas is rich in Southern history, especially for the Confederacy. For those that don’t know American history, the Confederacy was the group of states that seceded from the Union during the Civil War. I hope the students DON’T friggen get their way. It’s important for this country to keep its history, however horrible it was.

Oatmeal Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I felt like making oatmeal cookies and made them today. Next time I am using parchment paper so I don’t struggle with getting the cookies off the pan. Man were they a pain in the ass to get off. Then my mother wanted me to make a cake for her. I was really tired by that point so came up with excuses. I still feel like I should nap but I ate a lot of dough and cookies so my stomach is not happy with me right now. I think if I laid down, I’d throw up.

Other than making cookies, I really didn’t do anything today. I didn’t even make coffee. I just wasn’t in the mood. I did make pancakes this morning. They were oatmeal pancakes. Today is just an oatmeal day. I did too much as my leg and ankle are thanking me by hurting really bad. No matter I have the rest of the night to relax. I do have to take a shower sometime before bed. I knew I was going to be hurting as the last time I made cookies, I hurt really bad afterwards. There is no balance. I even washed all the baking ware, which added to my grief. But I couldn’t leave it for my mother because she would have a fit.

I have a crap load of Bones episodes to watch. That started my leg hurting. I just can’t sit in a normal chair. Gravity just causes my ankle to hurt, or something to that effect. It really causes my leg and ankle to swell. I will try and watch one more episode of Bones tonight but I am not sure it will happen. I am really tired from baking. I also still have the Sons of Liberty series to watch. It looks very interesting. I was able to watch the first one, which was two hours long. I love the revolutionary stuff. My TiVo is almost at full capacity so I really need to watch my shows. Otherwise, nothing new is going to record.

I feel really depressed. Making the cookies were a distraction for my sadness for a little while. Today, my cousin is having his huge reception for his wedding. I wish I could be down in DC to see it but I just don’t have the funds to be down there. He had an informal ceremony in December and now is having a big get together. I have visited him before. He has a gorgeous house. He will be moving down to Texas in June. I told him I would save up the money to visit him then. He has a swimming pool so it will be nice. I guess that is part of the reason I am so depressed. I can’t be with his gay friends. I wish I had more gay friends, or at least friends that were in the same state as I am in.

I’m also depressed because my Sox are losing terribly. Both their pitching and hitting sucks. They have lost their last I don’t know how many games. Their only win this week was on the fifth, when I had a shot of Patron to celebrate. I have been scrolling the Twitter feed. Seems they are going to make some roster changes. I do hope that it happens. Something needs to happen or they are going to have another sucky year. I don’t think the manager will still be the manager come October if that happens. I really like the manager but he has to do something to get more wins from his team. I also hate that the game was in the afternoon. Now I have nothing to look forward to in the evening. It is going to be a long night. Tomorrow’s game is also in the afternoon. Guess I will be reading more of Dostoevsky.

Letter writing and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

As I have my sister’s car while she is away, I took my mother grocery shopping this afternoon. We had lunch afterwards. My ankle wasn’t happy when I woke up this morning but because I am driving, I can’t take my pain meds. I need to pick up my niece in a few hours and really would love just one pain pill. But I just can’t. Her father called and said he will be late tonight because he has an errand to do for my father.

Last night as I was having a difficult time sleeping, I wrote another depressing letter to my therapist. It was another goodbye but thank you letter. It was contradictory to say the least. I am glad I went to sleep before I wrote a similar one to my psychiatrist. If I sent that to her, I think it wouldn’t go too well. I don’t know why I was writing the letter. I guess I had to get things off my chest. The midnight demons were really out. I didn’t get to sleep until around 0200. I took my meds later than I usually do, though I had taken my pain meds around 20:00. I really am glad my therapist doesn’t have email. I would be sending her the most awful letters. But that is what pain mixed with no sleep get me. It brings out the dark side of myself.

Psychosis wise I am doing better. I think the delusions have shrunk a little and I am not so paranoid as I was before. My psychiatrist got back to me late last night and asked how I was. I told her I was still delusional but managing. I haven’t heard from her today. It just sucks because I never know if the psychosis is going to land me in the hospital or not. The only thing that would force the issue would be if the voices were telling me to harm myself. As long as they aren’t commanding, I can deal with them. But it’s a fine line. Sometimes I want the safety of the hospital so that nothing does happen but then I get drugged up pretty good. Or my meds get played with. And I hate that.

I wish I could say I slept late but my mother and brother in law called me around 0830 so I only got around six and a half hours of sleep. It would have been nice to have slept longer. I don’t know why my mother didn’t just call me later in the morning. She knows that I get up late. My brother in law was concerned because apparently I left my sister’s car open. Why he couldn’t lock the car manually, I have no idea. Every one depends on the clickers these days.

Temps are dropping tonight and I am glad. I can’t stand the hot weather. I like wearing shorts but I hate sweating. I don’t know what the weather is going to be this coming week. As long as it’s in the 50s I will be happy. I checked my bank account and for some reason one purchase I made yesterday still hasn’t posted to my account. I hate when that happens.