Tag: chronic physical pain

just a person interested in writing stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, writing

I am writing earlier than I usually do because I got hit with pain and I am not sure what is going to happen later tonight. I might be too groggy from pain meds to write.

I’m listening to the same 228 song playlist of country music that I have been listening to for the past few months, if not the past year. It helps to listen to the mix because although I have a lot of country music, I also have Daughtry, Goyte, and Train mixed in. Just recently, I added Martina McBride because I miss hearing her voice. She has some really good songs.

I got an email from a friend of mine today. She complimented me on one of my blogs she saw on Linkin. I don’t know what blog it is as I don’t usually put my blogs on that sight. I think it was the Darkness Short Story but I am not sure. I remember “sharing” a post but I just can’t remember which one it is. It frustrates me when I can’t remember. Anyways, I replied asking if she could let me know what blog it was as I have no clue. I also answered a few questions that she had. She wanted to have a meet up and I think that would be fantastic. It has been a few years since I last saw her. I hope we can meet up, but after my book so I can sign copies.

Still no word from the editor. I am becoming more and more anxious as I wait, patiently, for word that she is working on my book. I have been waiting four months so a few more days should cause me fretfulness. I don’t think I can breathe until this project is done. I have tried working on other things to keep my mind off it, but it has been for naught. Even reading has eluded me. I can’t get into the book I am reading and I used to love reading. Or I do read and I find myself “editing”. I never was this way before. I just want this book to be out and then I will deal with the consequences. I know it isn’t going to be in the New York Times best list or even the Boston Globe, and I am not expecting it to. I just want this process to end and to be done with the waiting. I will feel so much better once this person reads it, gives me suggestions/edits so I can load the thing on to the format template and go from there.

Because of March Madness, a local radio station is having a similar “bracket” except instead of basketball, it is the battle of the bands. I foolishly signed up for notifications so I can vote, not realizing they are posting like every fricken fifteen minutes! In every post, they also want you to go to their website to vote there as well so you can win $1000 (USD). I never win anything so I am not signing up. I spent my last two dollars on a scratch ticket hoping I would win something, and I lost.

My writer friend sent me something on suicide attempt studies last night. She thought I might be able to write about it in my blog. But unless I feel strongly about the article, I don’t really write about it. Most of it is just a “DUH” experience for me anyways. But this week’s SPRC (Suicide Prevention Resource Center) had a call for papers. I might enter one of my papers in the journal they are asking for, though my paper is kind of short by about 3,000 words. I don’t know if they will accept it. And I don’t know if you have to be in academia to enter. I don’t hold a faculty position nor am I a researcher at a facility. I am just a person interested in writing stuff. I might try it, just to see if it gets accepted.

Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Aggravated

Last night I heard the beep-bloop of the TiVo indicating to me that my show was being canceled. I thought it was a mistake because I know my mother wouldn’t cancel one of my shows. She usually goes to bed around eight and the show was recording at eight. Found out today that she did fucking cancel the recording and my Bones episode didn’t get recorded. I am beyond pissed. After dealing with my mother yesterday morning, her waking me up from a sound sleep, she had the audacity to tell me today that I am sleeping too much. WTF. I can’t take living with my mother anymore. She is driving me nuts with the TV being loud. I cannot believe she told me that. SHE has no idea what my sleep has been like lately. And I got practically no sleep the night before so of course I slept most of the day yesterday. It just pisses me off to no end because she is just a bitch. She doesn’t think she is one but she is. And she is so inconsiderate. Like when she says jump I am supposed to say how high. Fuck that. She asks me to do anything, it’s not happening. My monthly payment to her is going to be lower this month because fuck her. I pay the cable bill. I am behind on it anyway so I can justify not paying her half my check.

I was in therapy today and we talked about my writing. She wants me to continue writing my connection piece and she thinks my “write the pain” blog should be included in the book. UM, I don’t think so. The book has nothing to do with pain. Sometimes my therapist is a loony tune. I swear we spent the majority of the session on my writing and my book. Still no word from the editor on when she will be working on it. I swear when she tells me she is, I am going to be popping Ativan every hour. I am going to be a wreck. The editor has been having some problems so I think there is going to be more of a delay. But if she doesn’t get back to me by the end of the month, I swear I am going to ask for a refund. I will take my business somewhere else. I can’t be waiting forever.

I went to the post office today and then went to my sub shop for a couple of slices of pizza. Now I am hungry again and I want a burger. Think I will just make a bowl of cereal. I know I am hungry because I didn’t have my usual breakfast of a fried egg and toast. I could make that for my dinner tonight. Trouble is, my ankle is still bothering me so standing for any length of time hurts. I just walked to the sub shop and when I came home I was hurting. I don’t have a car. I wish I did. I would take it to my other sub shop to get my burger. But then I don’t need the headache of car and insurance payments.

I told my therapist today that I hope to see her in person next week. I am planning on taking my sister’s car and making the trek to her office. I hope that I can take my sister’s car that day. I need the car this week to take my father to his fricken blood draw. He doesn’t know this yet but I will call him tomorrow and tell him. I just hope it doesn’t snow that day. It will suck and I hate driving in that muck.

Luna’s Gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Luna’s Gone

I have had this song stuck in my head for most of the day. It is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter on her Between here and gone CD. I was listening to this CD the other night. Her music is so soothing to me.

Having a rough day. Had to deal with my mother that woke me from a sound sleep so I could put on compression stockings on her. Not a good thing when you only got crap sleep to begin with. I am still pissed and I think she overrided my Tivo to not record one of my shows. I will be very upset and she will hear about it. I hate when she doesn’t let me record my shows. I pay for the damn cable dammit. But I am so sleep deprived, I don’t want to go downstairs and see if she did or not. I don’t have the energy to explode on her.

I have been in pain most of the day. It has been hard walking around because I am having problems putting weight on my foot. It doesn’t like it. And it is the same pain that I have been experiencing last night. My last three toes on my left foot have just exploded and hurt very badly. My big toes feels like someone is trying to cram it into something or make it shorter than what it is. I just know that I am in mega pain and I am not happy about it. My big toe really feels like some one is trying to snip it off too. I love these weird sensations that I get. Got to love nerve damage, NOT.

I figured out that my foot weakness is part of the problem. If I try and work my ankle/foot into normal moves, it becomes fatigued and then it starts hurting. The longer I try to keep my foot in a certain position, the more fatigued it gets and the more I hurt. I don’t even realize I am doing anything out of the ordinary because don’t all people keep their foot in a flexed position while walking or sitting? I think they do. I can’t seem to keep my feet flat on the ground like you are supposed to, mostly because I am short and the chair makes my foot dangle. Anyways, whenever I try and keep my foot in that upward position, my pain goes through the roof. It is not right away, because what fun would that be. It has to come out right before I want to go to sleep.

Last night I only slept for about 45 minutes to an hour when I had a strange, disturbing dream. I dreamt that someone had left me a comment on my blog telling me to kill myself and how to do it. The weird part of it was that it was in my handwriting. Creepy. And it scared me. I told my therapist about it tonight and she doesn’t know what to make of it. So much for dream analysis. She is getting worried because the dream process was so quick. Normally you need at least ninety minutes to reach REM sleep. I am achieving it in less than that time frame. When I see my psychiatrist next week, I will bring it up. Maybe I need to see a sleep specialist or something. I already have trouble sleeping but it’s not because of insomnia or overthinking. It is because of fricken pain. And this pain is just so bad I really just want to chop my foot off. But I don’t know if the pain is what is causing my sleep to be so disorganized. I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I have to write something. I have to either physically or electronically write something to “calm down”. And then once it is out of my system, I can go to sleep. My sleep pattern has been the same for the past three weeks. I sleep in three to four hour stints. It is rare that I sleep continuously straight for six hours or more. I am hoping I sleep at least six hours tonight as I am really tired.

Ramblings 67

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about things. Some I can’t really grasp. I was pain free for a few days and now I am in some pain, especially when I bear weight on my foot. It is making walking and going down stairs difficult. I got up early this morning and had coffee. I really want to take a pain pill but I am supposed to go out with my friend today. Trouble is, he hasn’t gotten back to me about what time we are supposed to go out. I am really frustrated with this because he does this all the time. He says lets hang out and I am left waiting for an email on when we are going out. I guess I am just annoyed easily these days as my anxiety has been through the roof.

I hate being in pain but I don’t want to sleep all day because that is what will happen if I take my pain meds. The pain is tolerable and like I said, as long as I don’t bear weight on it, I should be fine. But that also means I am stuck on my bed where I can elevate it. I am already bored. I have maxed out my game rewards. I can’t do anything on my game for another couple of hours. Baseball game isn’t for another hour. I think I will listen to the game. I probably shouldn’t have had coffee as it gave me energy and now I have nothing to do with it. I don’t know how I am going to take a shower today. It’s like everything I want to do, I can’t because my damn foot is bothering me.

I have been on my laptop most of the morning transferring the Sox game to my computer so I can transfer it to DVD. My first go round with my old laptop didn’t work. And I would like to watch the game today as a reminder of what it was like to win the Series. I just hope that MPEG4 can be used on DVD players. I know nothing about the technology. For all I know, it could be the wrong one. There is one for iPod/iTouch so I think MPEG4 is the right one for other players. But we’ll see. I know I won’t be able to play it on my DVD player because it is too old.

It’s getting to be lunch time and I need to make myself something to eat. This is going to be a challenge being on my feet. Think I will take something so I am not in horrible pain afterwards. If it makes me sleepy and my friend calls, maybe I will go out anyways to wake up. If he doesn’t, like I know he won’t, least I will be medicated and not in so much pain.