Tag: depression

Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up and got up about 130pm. I have no power in my room. AC must have tripped the circuit or something did. No one was answering my texts. Finally my niece texted me and I got access to the basement. Tripped circuit. I fixed it.

Yesterday I saw my pcp. We discussed the headaches and she thinks it is migraine activity. Wants me to take a migraine med before bed to see if it helps. I had a hard time sleeping last night and didn’t have any dreams. She is also going to reach out to my neurologist about any meds I could try before I see her. I got an appt in Oct.

She checked my knees. Right is ok but the left might need an x-ray in the future. I need to use the diclofenac gel for pain.

I wasn’t able to make the last bereavement group meeting as I didn’t get home till 4pm. I said, in an email, it was ok to share my email if anyone wanted to reach out. There is another group starting in Sept. I might join it.

I got hot as I was wearing a Tshirt so I took it off. I am trying to cool off in my room. AC is on but it will be an hour or two before it gets cold. I have no plans for today. I just wanted to rest. My new Sox hat came in. I am so excited. The B has the pride flag colors for those that can’t see the pic.

I plan on listening to the game tonight. They are on the west coast again. Game time is like 2215 or something like that. They are playing the Giants. I hope I am still up. Hate west coast games.

Euphoria hit me today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, transgender

Just got my haircut. Little boy on the bus was staring at me and I was wondering if he was thinking I was a boy or girl and had to stop myself. I am a boy and I nearly wept as my chest was throbbing. The euphoria was finally hitting me. I wondered if I would ever feel it since my mother’s death. I looked at my photo I took and posted on an FTM support groups. A member said they see a grown man, complete with a male hairline. I am losing my hair and the pic kind of looks like a comb over that my sister pointed out. I don’t care. I still think I look good. I have issues with my body. My stomach is giving me such dysphoria since the binders have been off. I haven’t gained weight but I haven’t lost any either, which is frustrating. I have been cutting calories to no effect. I know I haven’t been active either but it’s a slippery slope with my foot. Any big active days such as walking more than 5 blocks hurts me. My limit is 0.4 miles, anything more than that and I am in pain.

Today has been a rough day due to headaches. I woke up a couple times after dreaming with them. I told my psychiatris about it and he doesn’t have answers. I need to see a neurologist. I had one. I need to call to see if I still do. I had a skipped appt with her back when I was catatonic so don’t know if they kicked me out because of it. It has been thundering and downpouring the past couple of hours so my head hurts. Not sure if it is a migraine or not. I need a nap. I am tired.

My internet was not connecting well today so m psychiatrist called me. We talked about meds. He wants to play with my Latuda and I told him we could but I could become psychotic again with a lower dose or stopping it. He wants to bring the Effexor dose up but until I have my neuro appt, he is holding off.

Gonna stop here. My head is hurting too much.

Quiet Monday 24072023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I woke up to my med alarm but didn’t get up until an hour later when my bladder said get up NOW. I got up to pee. Went back to my room to take my meds, Went back downstairs to brush my teeth. Then I made coffee. My sister was home and was helping my niece rearrange the room. I stayed out of the way and went to the kitchen for coffee. I had two cups before returning to my room.

I had therapy soon. I had no idea what to talk about as I woke up kind of still sleepy and headachy. It was not a productive session. I was talking about random things that happened since we last met but nothing to talk about in depth.

After therapy, I tried to take a nap. But I had to pee again. Went and then I had some cake my sister made. It was good. I needed to eat something but didn’t know what. I went on the porch and my ramen noodles were gone. So was my Velveeta mac and cheese. I found some rice so I made that. It was ok. I wish I had chicken breast so I could roast it. With some potatoes too. But I didn’t have it. I need to buy some. I probably will next week.

My check wasn’t deposited in my account today. Hope it will tomorrow as I set up an appointment with my barber for a haircut. I’d hate to cancel.

On edge

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

This morning, I woke up from a bad dream. It was a culmination of stuff I’ve been reading on social media the past few days. Unfortunately, it involved my friend and her kids and so was that more upsetting. I had to take an Ativan. There was a pt that kept wanting to talk to me but I didn’t feel like talking. He then swore at me. I blew him off. He started swearing at staff so security was called and he was brought to another room. Long as he was away from me that was all I cared about.

I met with the doc. Told him to change the migraine med to a prn order rather than have it as a one time dose. I don’t know if he will as I am leaving tomorrow.

My knees have been bothering me for more than a few weeks now. I asked my pcp’s nurse to change our appt to in person so I can see my pcp about it. I am really scared as knee problems run in the family.

I told my sister I would pick up some burgers for dinner tomorrow night. I’ll also get some coffee pods as I think I have just one left. I’ll also have to get half and half.

I am reading a suicidology book and it is not as interesting as I thought it would be. Not sure I am going to learn anything new other than finding out what is meant by Qual and Quant research. Chapter I am reading now is about Indigenous populations so it is interesting. I might finish reading the chapter today. There is nothing going on today.