Tag: depression

Rainy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I went to bed pretty late last night despite going to sleep at an early hour. I woke up around 2300 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I hate when that happens. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up but I had to pee and that is how I got my second wind.

It’s raining so I don’t feel like walking to the Post Office to mail my therapist’s letter. I also don’t feel like going out to get a Father’s day gift. I can do that tomorrow. I really have been bored the last few hours. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I was thinking of clearing off my bureau so it’s not so cluttered but fear a domino effect will happen once I start moving stuff. Maybe I will just take all the pens that have accumulated and place them in a box. I am a pen hoarder. I will admit to that.

I never finished reading that chapter in Dostoevsky. I just haven’t been in the mood to read. So I am just listening to my music. I need the music to keep my brain from going mush. I am really tired and want a nap but it’s close to dinner time and I know my mother is going to be calling soon. If she doesn’t, I plan on making some tater tots for supper. It is my go to when I don’t want anything else to eat.

My mood has been okay today. I have neither been up or down. I just have been too bored to really feel anything. I made the phone calls that I needed to make this morning when I got up. I really am having a lazy day. But then, most of my days are lazy. I just stay in my room and play on the laptop for most of the day, doing nothing. I really want to work on my book, but I don’t want to do it at home. I rather work on it at Starbucks where I won’t be so distracted by the internet. I just can’t seem to focus like I used to. It all depends on the mood I am and if I have a clear head. If I am depressed or feeling “meh”, I just don’t do as well as if I was clearheaded and not so depressed. I still have the “why bothers” creeping around because my suicidality lurks. It’s extremely difficult to think of a future when you want to kill yourself. I guess to try and psych myself up, I went ahead and put in the title of the book and got the ISBN number. It’s the number given to all books as sort of a library code or something. I have no idea what “ISBN” stands for. Probably International System of Book Numbers, for all I know. There are two numbers you are given, ISBN and a ISBN-10. I don’t know what the difference means. I knew the Dewey decimal system way back in high school as I used to spend time with the librarian. She was a sweet lady, who believed in me. Always told everyone that I was going to be the first doctor out of my high school. I guess now, I would be a disappointment to her. But I bet I am the first person out of the school to publish a book!

I hope the rain causes tonight’s game to be postponed. The Sox have been playing so shitty, I can’t bear to listen to the game anymore. Yesterday in the abysmal loss, two fans rushed the field, causing a delay of game. I don’t know why anyone would do that when the game is a loss. Course, I don’t know why they would do it if they were winning, either. I guess because people are morons. I get that the fans are unhappy. They pay a lot of money to go to the home games and when you lose, it’s like you are losing your money. The Sox have had more loss streaks than any other team in the AL. Tonight we are supposed to play the Braves. Maybe if I root for them, my home team will win.

On A Sunday in the Sunshine

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I spent the afternoon at my cousin’s house. It was a good time. I spent most of it in their pool. It was a warm day so it was nice to cool off. I drove home and thought the brakes were going on the car when my stupid brother in law had the emergency brake on. I stayed the speed limit the whole way home and was a good distance away from cars in front of me because I didn’t want to risk not having brakes. I was going to take my sister’s car Tuesday to see my therapist but now I am not going to because there is something wrong with the brakes. I feel so deflated.

I am wicked tired and will be going to bed early. I might finish the chapter I was reading on Dostoevsky. I read half of it last night before I fell asleep. I am hoping for the same effect tonight.

I sent my therapist my last blog about TG issues. It is important for her to read it before out next session. I am going to try and see if we can talk tomorrow. Sometimes she has times in the evening. We definitely have a lot to talk about.

I was expecting conversations with my cousins and other family members there today but there wasn’t, though my aunt and cousins were happy to see me. I don’t usually like to go because I really don’t like my family much. Their sincerity can be a little faked. I knew which was real and who was faking it. No one talked to me about my book and I was grateful.

Saturday Blog 24

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 24

I had a late sleep. I didn’t get up till after 1100. I haven’t done much, except answer a few emails and editing/format my book. I wrote up the title page. Once I have another 50 pages or so, I will enter the book in my writing cue so I can get the ISBN number to add to the word doc. While going through the pages, I realized I had written something twice so I took it out.

It’s a warm Saturday, temperatures in the 80s. I went out to get my prescription and was really hot just walking the short distance that I did. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a cook out but I did something to my toe and can barely walk without pain so I doubt I am going to go. It really sucks because my cousin has a pool. I am hoping that if I stay off it the rest of the night, it might get better. I somehow caused my toe to get a blister and it is all red and swollen. It’s my nerve damaged toe so I can’t really “feel” it. I am listening to the Sox in extra innings, the score is tied at 4.

I haven’t done much in self care. I wanted to take a shower but haven’t yet. I probably will before bed. My mood still sucks. I haven’t been able to get out of it. My sister called my mother today and I was afraid that she was going to say something about last night but she didn’t. I forgot to send the blog I wrote last night to my therapist. I will later. She isn’t going to read it until our next session anyway. I just feel like I am not being validated. And that hurts more than anything. That is why it sent me to a crisis mode last night. I reached out but a blogger friend helped me more than the crisis line did. Sometimes, when you are in that mode, all you need to do is talk to someone who understands. My friend is gay so she gets some of the issues. She has a friend that is MTF so is understanding of transgender issues. I just wish my family had a fucking clue.

I finished the book about Shame and Perfectionism. Apparently, all you need is self-awareness to overcome the depression and anxiety in your life to change the abyss. The last chapter was so full of bullshit I could use it as toilet paper. Throughout the book, the author reiterates over and over how she hopes this book helps the reader, like it is a god-send or something. Anything but. The exercises she gives are complex and requires serious thought which sometimes is clear enough, but some of the exercises are not so straightforward. It would have helped greatly if she gave an example of an answer in real language, rather than clinical talk. The book did help in some areas and I have written about it in a letter to my therapist. I am going to use this paragraph as part of the review I am going to send. It will be in a little bit more detail, but that is the gist of what I will be writing about.

My brother in law asked if I was still going tomorrow. I told him it depends on how I feel. He said we will be taking my sister’s car, which I will be driving home as I am the designated driver. If I don’t go he will be screwed. I really want to go but I don’t want to be in pain the whole time I am there. It will be miserable for me and it’s not like I can just drop them off and come home and wait for them to call when ready to come home. My cousin lives too far away for that. So I guess I will be going, regardless of how I am feeling. I will pack a bag tonight for tomorrow. I hope it turns out okay.

Random 645

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Last night I was bored so I printed off my book so that I could edit it sometime today. I wasn’t planning on being in pain, however. My foot exploded last night and again this morning. I took my pain meds and despite drinking coffee, I feel like I need a nap. Surprisingly, my toner yielded all 42 pages without any skipping or runs. This is the one that the printer came with and I am happy that I don’t have to use my new toner, yet. It’s surprisingly efficient given that you usually only get about 20 pages of stuff before it goes. I have printed almost 60 pages of stuff on this cartridge. I will keep it as long as it keeps printing!

I am in a lot of pain. Just walking down the stairs to make the coffee hurts. I am supposed to go to my cousin’s house this weekend for a party. I will be the designated driver as my brother in law wants to drink. Question is whether the day is Sun or Sat. I texted my cousin but haven’t heard back from him, yet. It’s his son’s birthday and they are having a BBQ and pool party. I am kind of anxious about it because he is in a state far away from home. I just hope I don’t get the antsies to get back home because it is a long ride. I just heard pool and I was sold. I might bring a notepad with me just in case I get the urge to write. I don’t think we will be there more than a few hours, but knowing my family, it can go until the evening hours and I hate driving at night.

The Shame book that I am reading has a few errors in it. A couple of words were spelled wrong and there are some punctuation issues. So much for being perfect! I guess when you publish independently and don’t use an editor, things like this happen. But then, I hired an editor and there was a punctuation error that I found in my book. Guess we all can’t be perfect. I am learning a lot from this book and last night when I was reading how to deal with parents, it gave me the words of kind of what I want to say to my mother about my TG issues. Now I just need to write it and go over it with my therapist. Once this happens, I will give it to my mother. I know my therapist won’t be picky about what I write. And I know whatever I do write, she is going to be okay with, but I want the wording to be right so there isn’t a huge fallout.

I haven’t had anything to eat, yet, except a banana and coffee. I just don’t know what I want to eat. I could make some eggs but that involves standing and I just don’t want to. I am in too much pain to stand. I do have to go out today and pick up my prescription. I haven’t figured out how I am going to get there with my ankle being so sore right now. I might need to walk with my cane. Or just wait until the pain meds settle it down some. I really hate taking my meds during the day but this pain is unreal. I really hate it, but there is nothing I can do about it (besides take meds and be off it).

I finally remembered to take my morning blood pressure meds. I missed two days in a row because I forgot. I am glad I have an app that reminds me to take my meds or I will always be forgetting more often and that would not be good. I think that is the reason why I had been anxious the past two days. The BP med is a beta blocker that also helps with anxiety. I was first put on it in the hospital last August because my BP was unstable and I was having panic attacks as well as chest pain. I emailed my psychiatrist last night because I was anxious again, not bad, but enough to make feel like I was going to lose it. I told her all I could do was take an Ativan.

My sister texted me to see if I told my mother yet about the TG stuff. I told her I haven’t yet. It will be soon enough. I will probably write a first draft tonight. She was questioning why I am not telling her face to face. I just can’t. If it goes the way I think it will go, I will be terribly suicidal afterwards and I want my therapist to be around. I tell her now, my therapist isn’t available, I can be lethal and I don’t want to end up in the hospital. I haven’t told my other sister my plans. She hasn’t been “alone” for me to talk to her privately. I don’t even know if she knows I am TG. She read my book but she didn’t say anything to me about being TG or question anything I wrote. All she said was “well written”. I honestly don’t know how she is going to take the news either. The whole process is making me nervous. I guess that is why my anxiety is up.