Tag: depression

random nothingness

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t do anything today but have breakfast. I didn’t have lunch because it was a late breakfast and I am not really hungry.

I had therapy today, on the phone, and my therapist is worried about me losing weight. She hasn’t seen me in months so I doubt that the twenty or so pounds I gained will show up on the phone. I told her I can barely button my jeans and I refuse to go up the next size. I just have to be strict so I had three cookies today. Shows you how committed I am to losing weight. It’s hard not to eat the damn cookies my mother bought. They call my name and I have no will power today because I am hurting. My calves still hurt from either walking up the hill or doing stretches on Monday. I haven’t done that exercise today. I tried the balancing one until my ankle pain exploded and that was the end of that. I did it for about twenty seconds so I say that is an improvement. If I can get to a minute without holding on, that will be a HUGE improvement but I am not holding my breath on that. I don’t like the fact that my foot muscles try and compensate for balancing. I don’t know if that is normal or not. I had to reschedule my PT appointment because of my damn father. I will see him next Tuesday afternoon. I also have to call and reschedule my eye appointment too because my therapist is in the office that day. Bugger. I was banking on her being off that day. Wrong.

I still don’t know what I am going to do about my calf muscles. They hurt and I don’t know if doing nothing is helping or not. I know that my pain level in my ankle hasn’t been affected at all. It still hurts when I do nothing. It is so frustrating being in pain all the time. I still have to go to the pharmacy and pick up my last medication of the month. I don’t know how I am going to finagle that. But I managed to pick it up just a little while ago.

When I got up from the bed, I noticed my vacant spot had a spot on it. Apparently I fucking shit the bed, literally. I am so upset as this hasn’t happened ever to me in my adult life. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing it sooner. I had a feeling I went but there was no loose stool when I went to the bathroom. I thought I was ok but this was just watery stuff. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I am going to have to wear pads. I have been avoiding wearing them because they irritate my skin after a while. I really don’t know what else to do. If I go to the doc, he is just going to refer me to a colorectal surgeon. And I really don’t want a doc poking me there. I am embarrassed more than I can say. This is the second time in a week I have shit myself. I just am not going to fart anymore unless I am on a toilet. Wonder how that is going to last. I really hate myself right now for letting this happen. I thought I felt something my last fart but I wasn’t sure. I feel like an idiot now.

random 345

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Our power just went out. It has been a long day for me and I am glad the power is gone because that means I can possibly take a nap without the internet distracting me. I find it hard to sleep when there are new messages from Twitter. I am so addicted to it and my game.

I was supposed to go with my sister today for my father’s appointment. I wasn’t feeling good as my throat hurt and my nose was all clogged up. I think I am getting a fricken cold. Just what I need. I also haven’t been sleeping more than 4-5 hours a night. It is killing me. I can’t remember the last time I slept even 6 hours straight. What kills me is that my meds should knock me out solid for the night but they don’t anymore. The new medication I started a few days ago should knock me out but it doesn’t. I don’t know if it is doing anything for me anyways. I have noticed no change in my pain and swelling. I am still sore from PT yesterday. My calves are killing me from the stretching exercises. I haven’t done all my exercises today. I just did the ones were you bring your toes up while sitting down. I also tried the balancing but I couldn’t stand too long on my left foot, not even for 15 secs because my foot was using every muscle to try and keep my balance and it hurt doing it. The only exercise I didn’t do was the stretching of the calf. I am sore, as I said, and didn’t want to tax my calf more than it already is. I will do all three exercises tomorrow, if my foot pain isn’t too great.

I went to Starbucks despite feeling like I got a cold. I needed coffee. I also wanted a chance to get out of the house and back to my routine. I sat and had my latte while writing in my journal until the next bus came. I didn’t write consistently in my journal. I had to email my pdoc because I am running out of my Ativan. She still has not responded and is pissing me off. I am tempted to page her to get her to do what I want but that sounds pathetic. But it will beat playing the email game. If I don’t hear from her tomorrow morning, I will page her to get my script and an appointment with her.

I made an appointment for my eyes in the next few weeks. I have been noticing some vision changes when I switch glasses, from my bifocal to my single vision. I don’t know how I am going to afford a new pair of glasses but I will figure it out. I always do.

I have been in pain most of the day and I have been really tired. But I haven’t been able to nap. Last night, I went to bed before 9 and I woke up at 1. Went back to sleep at 2 only to wake up around 6. It sucked. So despite wanting to take a nap right now, I am trying to avoid it and sleep around 10 or 11 pm. My body is not going to like staying up that late but I really don’t want to go to bed at 9 and wake up around 2 am again. I don’t know why my limit seems to be 4-5 hours of sleep lately. I hope it changes tonight.

I mailed out my book to the American Association of Suicidology today. I am kind of nervous about it. I don’t know if it will be well received or tossed out. There is no way of me knowing. And I don’t know how long the process is going to be. I am taking a huge chance with them. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens.

having a crappy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a crappy day

I was up for almost 20 hours yesterday. I just could not go to sleep. Then I wake up around 0630 so I got 5.5 hours of sleep. Lovely. I had my normal bathroom movements, except this one really hurt me. Sometimes if the stool is hard it aggravates a nerve and I am in pain for hours. So to avoid that I thought I would take some nerve pain medicine and hopefully it would make me sleepy enough to go back to sleep. It did. Though I woke up with a vicious cramp in my foot. It’s raining today so I decided not to go out and asked my mother to pick up my prescription. She did so now I don’t have to worry about it for another month.

When I got up I decided to play my games. No big deal. I felt like I had gas so I let loose. BIG mistake. It was all fucking stool. I couldn’t believe it and I am still shocked and upset about it. Luckily, it didn’t go through my pants and onto my sheets because I would have been devastated. I went downstairs to the bathroom and I shit some more while I was trying to clean myself. This is the third day that I have pooped my pants and I am very upset about it. I would tell my doctors but they wouldn’t understand. I decided to shower after I cleaned myself the best I could. Then I had a decision to make about my underwear. They were full of crap and I really didn’t want to wash them but I did. My first thought was to throw them out but I was afraid that the smell might arouse suspicion and I didn’t want to get caught with literally dirty underwear. Oh the joys of CES. I took a shower after washing my clothes in the sink. Shower felt nice and I was able to fully wash everything and get the shit off me.

For the rest of the day, I have been terrified of farting. I get gas regularly and the pain that builds up if I don’t let loose kills me. I don’t know what I am going to do going forward. I wrote to my group about it and there is a guy that uses protection so I am going to find out what that is so I can use it too. I can’t be too careful when it comes to the bowels. I have gotten used to leaking but I still have not gotten used to crapping myself. It takes a little bit of my self esteem every time I have an accident.

My day was shot after this as I didn’t want to risk losing my bowels in public. Part of the reason I was still home was because my foot cramped up just prior to my waking up around 11. I so wanted to go to Starbucks today. But it just wasn’t in the works after my pooping incident. Thankfully, my therapist called me within a half hour of this happening or who knows what I would have done to myself. I really was contemplating drinking gin until I passed out. Turns out I didn’t need the gin after all as I was able to go back to sleep around 2. I needed the rest as the whole experience just wiped me out. I am so glad my mother wasn’t home. It would have been horrible for her to see me like this.

I made a lot of online purchases today and paid my bills. Now I am broke until my next monthly paycheck. But the stuff I purchased online was stuff that I needed, like diapers and batteries, and my cereal. You can’t go wrong with less than 4 dollars for a box of shredded wheat. I know that the grocery story sells it for at least 5 bucks or more for the big box. I also got a couple of new books. Those will be my writing rewards for when I actually write for my book again.

My father canceled his cardiology appointment for tomorrow. I have to be the asshole to actually call the office and tell them he won’t be coming in. So all the stressing over my therapist’s time was for nothing. I texted her asking her if the time was still available to call me. 10 bucks says she no longer has it available.

Pain relief and oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain relief and oblivion

I have been staring at my computer screen for some minutes and have not done a damn thing but stare at it. Not so much as scroll through Facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I have no motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. Except that I forgot I had a doctor’s appointment and ran to it, literally. If I missed this appointment I would be without pain meds.

I am having scheduling issues with him again for a month so I can see him again so he can complain about my weight. I am so sick of him talking about my weight. If I was an able bodied person, this wouldn’t be an issue. I would walk so that I can maintain my weight or lose it but I can’t walk so there lies the rub. I was close to crying when I was on my way home because he just doesn’t get how immobile I am. It hurts to so things and even when I don’t do things it hurts. Now he wants me to see two new docs. WTF I am tired of seeing new docs because I have to regale them with the sad story of where I have been the last two years of my life and why I am no longer working. I thought I did good finding an ankle doc at a place I see him, but no. Wrong type of doctor. HUH??? He specializes in the ankle and I have an ankle problem so what is the problem?? The whole appointment made me sick to my stomach. And that brought up the whole heartburn so now I have to be on another stomach medicine in addition to the one I currently take. Just lovely. Just pile on the meds. Not like I am not taking a handful as it is. Between my psych meds and my blood pressure meds, it adds up. And so does the prescription costs. This month is again finagling the bagel and I can’t rob Peter to pay Paul this month so I don’t know what I am going to do. I really wish my book sales were more successful than they are now. I really could use the extra cash.

I basically have no therapy this week because of all the appointments with my father this week. This sucks. I am trying to see if she has an evening time on Thursday but I doubt it. She wants me to see her at 1130 but I have to be where my father is around 1230. Hard for me to be in two places at once. It sucks but we might have a check in today if time allows.

I talked with one of my sisters today. She sounded more frustrated than I am about my ankle and the doctors not being able to do anything for me. But then, she doesn’t know much about medicine. I just wish my doc would understand that I have nerve damage in my ankle and foot caused by the two back surgeries that I had. But then, that is the easy answer, least for me. Thing is, I have been so depressed lately that I can’t do much. I left the house exhausted to see the doc and came home more tired than I left. It’s awful but then I am waking up at 4-5-6 in the morning, in pain. He said that I am stuck in a cycle and partly I am. I wish I could walk more so that it could help my mood but walking kills me. I am feeling so stuck it’s not funny. And with my financial situation this month, I might not have Starbucks funds to actually go out and get coffee, even if I felt up to it.

My doc asked if I was suicidal today. I told him no. I haven’t felt suicidal since I left the hospital. I have been engaging in some risky behaviors, like mixing alcohol with my pain medication. I am at my wits end so I do stupid things. When you are in chronic pain you will do anything to get relief. I know I am taking a huge chance of doing harm to myself but lately I just don’t care. I want pain relief and oblivion.