Tag: depression

So I left tonight’s chat…

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, psychache, suicidality

So I left tonight’s chat

Don’t know if anyone that reads my blog knew, but a 29 year old woman with terminal cancer ended her life today, on her own terms. She basically committed suicide. It got me thinking about Robin Williams and why his death was not treated the same way. He was battling demons we knew nothing about and a medical illness that threw him off the ledge. I don’t blame him for killing himself. It makes me sad, but also makes me happy that he is in a better place than he was in. No one understands why I have such happiness for those who kill themselves. But for this woman, I am having a hard time feeling happiness for her. I am glad she chose the method of her death and she had free will and all. But a part of me doesn’t like that she was an advocate for choosing to end your life with dignity and she took it. So we lost an advocate and that bothers me.

Then I entered the SPSM chat that was discussing this. The current president of the AAS sends out a PDF of Shneidman’s 10 commonalities of a good death. That’s when my suicidality peaked for some reason. Then talking about how depression was a terminal illness just made me snap. I had to get out of the chat room. I could have just left without saying anything but I said something, that today’s topic is too triggering for me. I got some pleasant responses. Then I got a weird one that said that I should be kept abreast of the topic. I was like “Huh”?

I have no one I can talk to about this and so I just decided to write, like I always do when I am in distress or feeling intolerant of my feelings. It helps me to put perspective to my thoughts. I also have been terrified of crapping myself for the past few hours and it has taken it’s toll on me. I have decided that if I crap myself tonight, I am going to take all of my meds, every last pill that I have will be ingested. I have had enough of dealing with the indignity of crapping myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I am only 38 years old. I should be able to control myself but that control has been taken away from me. I am no longer an “anal” person, so to speak. It is draining me being this way. I could cry but why bother. Darkness envelops my soul. I feel like I should not live like this anymore. Isn’t it my right to die? I may not have “good” reasons. I just want to end my suffering, is that so bad? I have no purpose in my life. I have no responsibilities like I did before. The only responsibility I have is to clean my sheets or clean my room, which never gets done because I don’t have the motivation to clean. My mother takes care of the cooking and cleaning, though it kills her to do it. She cleaned the bathroom and it took her almost three days to do it. She did it a little at a time. And I have to do the same or my back goes out. But lately my ankle pain has been worse so I have been having a hard time standing for any length of time. I was given exercises to do to help do something but all they do is cause me pain. I stopped doing them because I hurt so much afterwards. I shouldn’t be in this much physical pain. I have tendonitis in all of my tendons on the outside part of my ankle starting from where the bone is to my feet. There is a tendon called the peroneous that wraps around the ankle and anchors into the foot. Aren’t I lucky that I have aggravated this tendon and the ones surrounding it. The docs don’t know why. But the usual course when they don’t know what to do with you is to send you to physical therapy, like that is the cure all. I am so sick of physical therapy and it hates me. My goofball swelling has returned and it is throbbing like no tomorrow. Yet despite this pain, I am not suicidal over it. I am more suicidal over the fact my bowels have taken a run for the hills and decided not to tell me when they are moving. Usually if I have gas, I know I will soon have a movement. But lately, the stools have been soft and when I fart, the stool comes with them. I have shit myself twice in the last two weeks, both times in bed. The first I was lucky that it didn’t leak onto my bed sheets as I was in bed at the laptop like I am now. The second time, I didn’t even feel myself shit. I just farted and thought that was that. Wrong. I got up and there was a yellow stain on my bed. Fuck. I was wearing black underwear so it didn’t show anything but my pajamas did. I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. And if it happens again, I want to kill myself. I have stayed away from taking laxatives and fiber pills. Now I will have hard stools that will cause me to bleed but I don’t care. It might also flare up my nerve pain in my ass but I don’t care. That will be the least of my worries. I don’t want to shit the bed again, literally or have another accident. I am lucky I have my menses now so I am wearing a pad. But pads irritate my skin after a while. When I had my menses that lasted for more than six weeks, I thought I was going to go insane. And I was wicked irritated by my clothing (female underwear) and the pads. The elastic in the female underwear was digging into me after a while. I don’t know why. But even my boxer will irritate me after a while too, especially if I don’t shower on a regular basis. And I have been too depressed to keep up with hygiene. I just am a mess. But with my menses, I have been forced to shower nearly every day. But now they are showing signs of stopping so I might be back to my every two days routine.

I have been safe so far tonight with passing gas and not having friends with it but that could change at any moment. It scares me to think that I might shit myself again and not realize it. I bought diapers for when I go out. I refuse to wear them when I am in the house for fear of just wasting them. Thing is, I don’t trust myself anymore and that has been a hard thing to endure. I have gotten used to peeing myself more than crapping myself. No one understands this. No one really knows this, aside from my therapist. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in more than a month because of my own mobility issues and now she is out of the office because she broke her hip. I miss her really bad. I also feel bad going through what she is going through. She said she needed surgery so that must have been a real bad break. We have been together for twenty years and this is the first time, other than her maternity leave, that we have been apart for an extended period of time. So I this weighing on me as well. I am set with my medications for at least a month. I hope she is back soon but I know that it takes at least 6-8 weeks for a bone to heal. She didn’t say how long she would be out for but my guess is that she will be back after the holidays. This so sucks. My demons are coming back and I don’t have her around to corral them back into outer space. My therapist can only do so much. And lately, we have been on the wrong page of things. I am getting frustrated with the whole talking on the phone all the time. She is ok with it, course she would love to see me in person but I don’t have transportation to go out to where her office is, which is 30 miles away. I am still trying to finagle getting my sister’s car one week and going out to see her but my sister has been so stressed lately that I don’t want to bother her with my needing her car.

Closing thoughts: I feel a little bit better since writing this out. I love having a blog that I can write my nonsensical thoughts out. I still feel ashamed about myself but I know it will go away in time. I hope it will anyways.

Weatherman says it’s gonna snow…

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Weatherman says it’s gonna snow…

We are having a little snow here in Boston today. It’s not much but people are already going nuts over the “s” word. I don’t mind it. I just wish my AC was out of my window so it wouldn’t be so cold in my room. We had a warm front before this cold front and then the weather got really crappy so there wasn’t time to take the AC out. It’s really stormy out there with gusty winds. I wonder how the football game is going to fair in this kind of weather. We’ll see.

I went to bed before 10 and woke up around the time of the time change. It sucked because I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I played by game until 4 AM when I could go back to sleep. I slept for a few more hours and that was it. I was up. I had one final prescription to fill so I went to the pharmacy and back. Ankle is feeling good today. Too bad it’s crappy out or I would go to the grocery store to get some stuff that I need.

Last night, I had side effects again. I am having some now but they aren’t too bad. I really want to take nap. I am really tired from not sleeping through the night, again. I just had a cup of tea to try and stay awake but it isn’t doing much. I would make coffee but I am afraid it might give me the jitters because I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I can’t decide what I want to have for lunch. I really want a tuna sandwich but there is no tuna in the house.

As much as I really don’t want to, I have to see my father today because my mother is throwing my sister a birthday party for her. Her birthday isn’t until tomorrow but things get crazy after work so they decided to have it today. The funny things is nobody told me the time to show up. I hate feeling like an insignificant and just expected to show up when they call. It happens every year that I am the last to know when there is a party for my sisters or my mother or my father. Never fails. Not that I have anything to do, but it would be nice to be invited or told the news than get the phone call ten minutes before the party.

My father has told me that he was invited to dinner to my sister’s today. I just hope I don’t have to drive through this yucky weather to pick him up. I really don’t feel like going anywhere today. I know the roads are going to be slick and awful. I rather walk than drive.

Pain has shot up again and I all I did was go downstairs after making myself lunch. Damn thing always acts up when I am on my feet for more than ten minutes. I had to come back to my room to take some pain meds. People keep asking me what I am doing and I tell them nothing. I won’t tell them about my writing because I am not sure I am writing anything other than my blog. It is so hard because if I was working, it would be a different story. Not too many people know about my ankle injury. Now I have to go to a party and pretend that all is well with me. I rather say fuck that and stay in my room but it’s my little sister’s party and I want to be there.

One thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

One thing

I am having a lazy day and there has been stuff that I need to do. So I did just one thing, brought my recycles down to the recycle bin. Now I don’t have empty bottles of water and powerade around my room.

I am getting a little worried. I haven’t peed in more than 8 hours now despite drinking. I am worried that I am retaining because of the increase in my muscle relaxer last night. It can happen, I was warned this could happen. Muscle relaxers and broken nerves sometimes have the opposite affect. I am trying to drink water as I know within an half hour, I usually go. I will take a shower then as I desperately need one. I stink of BO really bad. I don’t use deodorant anymore because what is the point if you don’t go out all the time. Even when I do, I have to try and remember to use it but usually I am not washed so I don’t care. If I am smelly, I won’t go out until I shower, unless it is a quick run to the drug store to pick something up. Other than that, I don’t leave the house unless it is an emergency.

I am playing “Jake Owen” radio on Pandora for most of the day. Awesome country music, almost all my favorite songs. I added Ed Sheeran to the mix and they played my wedding song, or what will be my wedding song one day. That is if I ever get married. I don’t have high hopes for that happening but in case it does, I am covered.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night because I was having side effects again. I thought I would let her know that I am taking the Abilify every other night for the past two weeks because of the side effects are really wearing on me and they hurt. I told her my forearms gets spastic and my left hand clenches and I cannot open it until the Ativan kicks in. Last night was not as bad as it has been. I think taking it every other day has helped and I haven’t been psychotic, delusional, or paranoid. My think is coherent and not clustered like it sometimes get when I am delusional. I hope this continues because I really don’t want to end up in the hospital because I skipped a dose every other day. I just can’t stand the side effects. They are very uncomfortable.

I just went to the bathroom. Whoo! Now I don’t have to worry that I am retaining. It would suck to have to go to the ER to be catheterized. It is something that scares me when I don’t go more than 6 hours. I once went 12 full hours and when I went, I was mega full. I swore I had two bladders by then because I just kept on going and going. I swore I would never let that happen again. I am wearing a pad because of my menses so if I have overflow, I am not going to know. It just sucks.

I made pasta and sauce for dinner. It is my favorite meal. I could have it every day. My mother then grabs me (figuratively) and gives me a list of things to do while she goes out to my cousin’s birthday party. I got the clothes out of the dryer, folded them and put them where they belong. My next task will be done when I am finished with this blog. I have to put the cookies she made away in a container. I have to fish out the lid first. That is always fun! NOT. Then I have to put the dough away in the fridge. And finally, I need to wash the dishes I used for my dinner. PFT. I hate washing dishes with sauce. It just smells terrible when you mix soap with tomato sauce. I really hate it. But I told my mother I would do it because her back hurts her really bad today. Probably because of the weather. It is very stormy today, with high winds and rain. My ankle is throbbing but not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe the baclofen, new medicine I am on, is helping me. I just hope it was not the cause of my retention. That would really suck!!

Day three and still no bowel accidents. I am so grateful for that. I am hoping it won’t happen again. I have been careful with eating fiber as I know that just goes right through me, literally. I have only one bowl of my mini wheats a day now and I have noticed a decrease in gas. I am so glad I figured this out, though it was the hard way to find out. But that is what cauda equina syndrome does to you. One minute you think you are passing air, and the next it’s all stool. It sucks big time.

post 901

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not so great day

I got an email from my elusive psychiatrist today. Apparently she fell yesterday and broke her hip. She won’t be in the office for some time so we are now email buddies. This sucks. I feel bad for her being in pain and cooped up, but I miss her, too. The doctor covering her I don’t know. So I guess my blogs are going to be sent to her to provide updates on how I am doing. It will save me from having to type twice.

I then get an email from my dear friend that his wife has breast cancer and it might be metastatic. They won’t know until they operate. I feel so useless. All I can do is send out good thoughts to both parties and hope for the best in speedy recoveries. I hope to god that the cancer is caught in time and she only needs a few treatments of chemo or radiation to help her heal. My good friend in the lab has breast cancer and it is a scary road to be on. She is currently fighting another cancer caused by the medication to prevent her cancer, weird huh? I haven’t spoken to her since she had her uterus taken out and a drain put in. It’s hard to talk to people when they don’t answer the phone or call you back. But I am thinking of her none the less. I saw her in the lab a few weeks ago when I visited. She looked good. I hope that she is good. She is a fighter and I know my friend’s wife is too.

The only good news I got today was that I sold 4 copies of my book today. That is the most that I have sold in the last 3 months. I am so glad I sold that many books and hope the sales continue to rise.

I got to make way for the AC to be taken out of the window. It is supposed to be cold this weekend, with snow a possibility and I would like my room not to freeze because I am not sure when my mother is going to turn the heat on. All ready my room is cold as measured by the temp of my water bottles. I am okay under my blankets and wearing a long sleeved T shirt. I may move to a hoodie later as I know the temp is going to drop come night fall. I would take out the AC myself but I have a bad back and I am too scared I might drop it on my toes. That would hurt and suck at the same time!

HA, I think it is funny that my sister and I have been avoiding my father for the past two days now because we know he is going to blow his stack when we tell him what we have to tell him. It isn’t going to be pleasant to listen to his roar. I can almost hear him slamming down the phone after I tell him. This is going to suck so bad but he needs to know. It’s not bad news or anything, just something he was expecting to happen next week isn’t going to happen.

I haven’t had a bowel accident in two days. Lucky me. I hope this continues. It really sucked having to change my sheets the other night and find places to put my “office” stuff. I use half of my bed as an office as I only sleep on one side. I had to take the stuff off anyway as it had been a month since I last changed the sheets. I am really bad at changing them on a consistent basis. But it hurts me too much to change them. I wish one of my sisters would help me but they can’t be bothered so I stopped asking for their help.

Despite it being cold, my pain level is okay. I think I can try and do all three PT exercises today and see what happens. Hopefully they won’t cause me too much pain.