Tag: depression

i am a wimp

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I must be coming down with a cold or something. I have been sleeping on and off all day today. I just can’t seem to get enough sleep. I had a good night sleeping but today I needed more.

I haven’t worked on anything because I have been so sleepy. I think I am going to try and make this a short blog so I can go back and lie down. Funny thing is, I don’t feel sick, though I have been sneezing like crazy. Maybe it’s just allergies or something. Or maybe I am just depressed. I haven’t felt energetic at all since Friday. Yesterday I had a pain flare up so was in bed most of the day sleeping off my pain meds. But today I am not in pain too much. This morning was rough but it seems to have settled down some. I went down to my sister’s apartment and my foot didn’t spaz out on me so that was good.

I feel bad that I haven’t been writing anything but my blog. I know there is no time table for my other writing but I feel like by not working on it a little every day is putting me behind. I don’t know why I feel that way but I do.

I guess I have been depressed because all I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to do anything else. I had wanted to change my sheets this weekend but that will have to wait another day. I am too comfy in my current bedding to change it to fleece sheets. I know they will be much warmer than my current sheets, especially as the temp is still below 20 degrees.

Last night I felt really suicidal for the first time in weeks. I didn’t do anything but think about how bad my life is with pain and how much it sucks that I can’t do what I used to do anymore. My doc wants me to see a new podiatrist. What this guy is supposed to tell me that I haven’t already heard is beyond me. I am going to try and call tomorrow. Maybe I can get my other calls in as well. Though I hate being on the phone making appointments. You are always put on hold forever. I just get impatient. And what is the point of making appointments if I am going to die anyways. I keep hoping I will die of a heart attack or stroke or some other cardiac event. I am too depressed to see myself live long enough to see myself successful. I am just a wimp. I think I am going to go back to sleep now. Until domani.

annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

My day started out early as usual. I am getting used to getting up before five these days but today it was because of pain and bladder was full. I try not to drink before going to bed but it’s not easy as I have a ton of meds to take and I can’t dry swallow them. I need some liquid to wash them down.

I am in an irritable mood. My foot still hurts and I am just cranky. I thought of getting coffee down at my sister’s but I really don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want my coffee and go back up to my room where it’s nice and quiet. I spend most of my time up in my room though today is mostly going to be a sleep day as I just took some more pain meds. I did too much the last two days and am now paying for it.

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we talked about my book anxieties. I feel better now knowing that my editor wants to edit my book as I gave her two chapters and she loved it. One worry down. I also printed off another copy of my manuscript so I can go over it and make changes to it if I feel there need to be. I know there is one section that I want to work on, namely the introduction. My therapist thinks there should be an Epilogue but I am not there yet. Besides, who writes an Epilogue for a memoir? She is going to drive me crazy, more than what I already am. I think she is just excited that I wrote a book after years of telling me to and it finally happened.

Yesterday I was feeling contentment. Today I am just depressed. I just want to sleep and do nothing. I put my status on Facebook that I would work on my short story but I am not that depressed. I need to be in a really dark place to write the short story and I just am not there. FUCK my mother just turned on the living room TV. I might not sleep as much as I want to after all. I am getting annoyed and irritated. And if I just didn’t pop two pain pills, I would be out the door, freezing my ass off for the bus. I really can’t think when I am trying to concentrate but I am hearing LOUD noises downstairs. Then she wonders why I don’t use my office! I swear if my book becomes successful, I am going to rent an office space and just have a table and a chair, maybe a Keurig machine and write there. It will get me out of the house and I will be able to work on my stories without interruption. I won’t have the internet which will not be a distraction and then I can come home and publish what I wrote. Dream world fantasy, I know but it is what it is.

I have been thinking about this story now for days and nothing new has surfaced with it. I think it is done and now I have to wonder if it will be part of my book or not. I have to check to see if I wrote about Hyde. If I did, I will include it in the chapter or the next chapter. So many decisions.

I still need to write something for my short story. I just don’t know where to go. I have never written a plot before or anything like that. But when I do, I will post it on my blog so you guys can read it. I told my psychiatrist about it and I was thankful she didn’t want me to send it to her because I was fearful she would call me out of concern or worse, hospitalize me.

It’s a windy day. House is shaking every time the wind blows. Just wonderful. Add it to my annoyance today. I feel like every time it blows it’s like the big bad wolf huffing and puffing trying to blow the house down. Oh, and to add more to my annoyance, my cell network is doing work in my area. I have not been able to get more than 2 bars in my house since it started. Sometimes I don’t have service in the house at all or outside the house. I tweeted a complaint but never got a response, nor was I expecting one. I have been with the same company now for over ten years. I like them for the most part. Except for right now when I have practically no service in some parts of the house!! I just hope that it clears up by Tuesday when I have my next therapy appointment. Going to be mighty difficult doing talk therapy via text!

food for thought

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I don’t know what to say. I have been up since seven and my thoughts keep swirling around above me. I keep thinking about food because I am hungry. I had a sub before going to bed last night. Today I am treating myself to a burrito and going out to a Thai restaurant with a friend. I can’t decide if I want pad Thai or their drunken chicken. Maybe I will have both and whatever I don’t finish, I will take home. It has been so long since I have had either.

I am kind of feeling like I am in a hopeful mood. I feel good but I am also tired. I had only seven hours of sleep, well, six and a half. I was up for twenty hours yesterday. You would have thought I would have slept longer but no, can’t be. I am in pain so I took a pain pill. I don’t want to take too much because I have to go to the bank today for my mother and then go to my doctor’s appointment. I am going to have her sign her book that I read. I will be writing a review, but not here. It will be on Amazon and Goodreads. Thing is, I am not sure what to say. The book was very interesting but sad. You wouldn’t think kids have mental issues before the age of 10 but they do and then the only way to deal with it, mostly, is by hospitalizing them. I don’t know if that really helps them or not and neither do the authors. Because once they step out of their door, they really have no idea what happens to these children.

I got a few weird comments on one of my disabled blog. I still have no idea what this person was trying to say but I “approved” it none the less. I think it is important to have different perspective of comments for my blog. Everyone’s opinion is valid, no matter how whacky it might seem.

My editor wrote back to me late last night. She loved what I sent her and can’t wait to work with me! That is a load off my mind! I guess that is why I am feeling giddy today. I feel like this book somewhat has the power to move people. I hope that she can move me up on queue, but I know that it might not be likely as I have not paid her in full yet.

I am still struggling with my depression. I know I said I feel hopeful before but my heart still feels heavy. It feels like it is bleeding and no matter how much I try, I just can’t stop the bleeding. I don’t know when this started. And because I am losing blood (metaphorically), I feel weak and tired all the time. No one will know this because I don’t act depressed. I have learned to live with it for so long that no one sees the real me. As long as I am able to put a smile on my face, everyone assumes I am fine and “happy”. I just can’t get out of this rut that I am in. I have people to see today and I know that I should be able to see them as I will just brush my feelings aside and not deal with them. Because if I do deal with them, I won’t leave the house. I realized the reason why I feel so hungry all the time. It is because I am always “dieting” in my head about eating less. I don’t eat more. But I don’t eat healthy and so I feel deprived of food. I know that what I eat is not the healthiest but it makes me happy. Eating a cheeseburger with bacon and avocados is yummy but not healthy. So I will just have that for the day. I won’t eat anything else. Today I will hopefully have my burrito with sour cream and guacamole. It is what I like. And the Thai food I hope I will have room for. But if not, I know that I can always take it home so that is not a big deal. It is just the idea of not eating that makes more hungry than not. I know I need to lose weight but my weight has been stable. I have been stuck at the same number no matter what I do or don’t eat. It’s really hard to lose weight when you can easily pack it on. I am self conscious about it because I know I am overweight, I always have been. But I hate myself because I am. It makes me depressed. It gives me low energy. I don’t have motivation. Most of the time all I want to do is stay in my bed.

Rambling 64

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

The other day, I was at Starbucks for a long time. I had written something that I thought was good but when I typed it up last night, I found out it was terrible. UGH. I hate when that happens. I don’t think I can complete my short story on darkness. It’s hard to write about it when I don’t feel like that all the time now. I guess I should be thankful for it but I like when I am able to write good stuff while in a dark mood.

I am in pain today. I was emptying the dishwasher and banged my bad leg on it. It caused a nerve pain attack and I had to take some medicine to get it under control. My therapist rescheduled our appointment today so I can get some sleep. I still am having bad sleep and weird dreams. Last night I was dreaming about rats being born and having to fling them to crocodiles so they can be safe…don’t know the meaning of that!!

Last night my father called me to see if I had cancelled his appointment for today. I didn’t cancel it but knew because of the snow, we wouldn’t be there anyway. I also tried to tell him about his lab results but he hung up on me before I could tell him. Frustrated the hell out of me. I don’t know why I bother. And it seems he always has his girlfriend on his mind because he calls me her name. UGH!!! I have yet to meet this woman and I doubt that I will because my father just doesn’t think that way. Not that I really care but he has been seeing her for a while now and you would think that we should have met her by now.

Today’s blustery blizzard has been cancelled. HAHAHA most of the schools have been canceled for nothing. The kids have a day off because the weatherman got it wrong. Idiots. I can’t stand the weathermen. They are always different. Each one has their own view of what the weather is going to be and they are mostly 40% right. It is cold though so I won’t be going out for my latte. Course I couldn’t anyway because I banged up my leg. I might have coffee later. Yes, a cup of Pike coffee sounds delicious!

I have been in a bad mood for most of the day, before I whacked my leg. I was kind of pissed off that I was again up before eight in the morning. I can’t stand waking up that early. So when my therapist texted me to say she had to reschedule, I took a much needed nap.

I feel better now that I had some pain meds on board and had a snooze. Pain isn’t as intense as it was. It is really cold out as I found out when the Chinese food delivery guy came with my lunch. I hope it warms up somewhat tomorrow. I have to go see my PCP for my monthly pain management plan. I haven’t seen him since November because his schedule has been full. I hope he doesn’t give me a hard time. I have been doing okay pain wise for the past month or so. Today I was only in pain because whacked my leg. Not a good thing when you have a nerve injury.