Tag: depression

a story and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I have been continuing to add to the “darkness always win” blog that I wrote the other day. I am trying to channel the inner darkness and write it out but it is very hard to do when I don’t feel that way all the time. I felt a little bit of it today so wrote some more but have not typed it up in the word doc. I am really tired. I literally spent the day at Starbucks just writing. I also went to my eye doctor who said that I have just a bad migraine without pain when my eyes don’t focus the way they should. I guess I was more worried about the appointment than I should be as I felt so relieved I almost had to take a nap afterwards. I have been up since eight. I finally got some good sleep. I am hoping to stay up late tonight so I can finish working on this darkness story.

It is cold where I live. And supposed to snow tomorrow night into the next day. I hope they are wrong as that will mean I won’t be able to go out until Thursday. I have to be careful when it snows because I can easily slip and twist my already sore ankle. I wore the AFO today and it was good to wear it as I am not in a lot of pain tonight. I hope that continues but my foot is getting colder as I am typing this. UGH I think I am going to have to take some Neurontin if it gets hot. I hate the burning of nerve pain. Nothing helps but Neurontin and sleep aids (Ativan).

I hope I am not getting sick. I have been sneezing for the last twenty minutes. I hate when I have a sneeze attack. I don’t feel ill, so that is good. But I am tired. I don’t know if I am going to make it till nine tonight but I got to try and stay up late because otherwise I will wake up at three in the morning. That’s not fun! I swear, since losing my job, my sleep cycle has gotten worse because I have no set schedule anymore. I am tired I lie down and if I sleep, so be it. If I wake up in the middle of the night, so be it. I just play my game and be up a few hours and then go back to sleep. Granted it gets more complicated by pain, but lately, my pain levels have been, well all over the place. One day I won’t have any pain and the next it will be soaring high. I think since taking the Neurontin the other night, my pain has been less or I don’t think about it as much. It still throbs every day regardless. It just the level of throbbing that gets to me. Right now it’s at a level of 3 on a scale of 1-10. That could change when my foot warms up and I am ready to sleep. Also for some reason my right foot has been giving me grief in the morning. Naproxen has been able to control it for now but usually, once I start moving about, the pain stops. I think it’s just a muscle thing. I hope it’s not a fascititis thing as that will never go away! I hate it when my left foot gets really cold. I have a sock on it and it is under a comforter and sheets. Just not looking forward to the warm up part of it. I go through this almost every night. It gets cold, then really hot and finally I have to sleep with the foot hanging off the bed because anything that touches the foot will hurt like hell. Classic nerve pain or CRPS. I don’t know which diagnosis I prefer. I just know that either is painful enough to send me into a suicidal crisis if severe enough. And I am not talking about a level of 3. I am talking an 8+ or when there is no level to describe the pain.

I have finally figured out a way to pay off the editor sooner rather than later. My mother has decided to lessen the amount this month that I give her. With this money, though I am supposed to use it for my membership to the AAS, I have decided to pay off the editor so it’s not hanging on my head anymore and maybe that will be incentive for her to push up my number or something. I just want to publish my book and sooner rather than later before the doubts that I am having take hold full force. Because once I hit the send button or publish button, I can’t stop it. Screaming at the computer screen to cancel is not going to work. I have done that with text messages and other emails. You hit send, that is it. It is on the web forever. And I don’t think there is an eraser button for the internet.

rambling 63

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I didn’t think I would write today. I am kind of not really in a writing mood. My writing mojo has ceased to be and I am kind of depressed about it. I posted a status about losing my writing frenzy and a person liked it. I hate the like button as it truly doesn’t reflect things. Does the person really like that I can’t write anymore? Or are they just showing support somehow through, “liking” a status. Same can be said of the blogs. How many of us have just scrolled through the reader and just hit “like” because the first few sentences were enticing. I have one blog that I follow that is just of clouds. I like this blog because some times the patterns are pretty and amazing. Other times they are not. I don’t scroll through the reader every day like I used to. Not too many of the blogs that I follow post every day so I check it every few days.

My football team lost tonight. It was a sad loss. I don’t think my team is ever going to make it to the SuperBowl again.

Tomorrow I am heading out to see my optometrist because I want his opinion on my eye situation. My psychiatrist wants me to see an ophthalmologist but I don’t have an appointment until May and I am hoping that seeing him might bring up the appointment. I think I can wait but the intervals of my eyes not focusing are getting more frequent than they were before. Either that, or I am just becoming more tired everyday. Funny how you take your eyesight for granted until something happens to it. I am not saying I am losing my eyesight but if I have to rest my eyes more because of the increased use of the computer, this is going to suck. I get anxious when I can’t read or use the computer and everything is blurry. It doesn’t happen all the time. It is worse in the morning and evening than it is during the day. I just hope when I see my eye doctor, his office doesn’t expect a copayment as I don’t have it. I hate copayments. I think they are just a nuisance.

I have been sleeping for the past few hours or so. I got really tired after the game. I hope I can go back to sleep for the night. I think I will be able to. I just took my night time meds and soon will take my pain meds as my ankle is more painful than I can stand. I don’t know why that is. I haven’t done anything at all today except watch TV. I was trying to get caught up on Major Crimes and failed short of doing that because of the game. Jeri Ryan from Voyager (Star Trek) is playing the defense attorney and she is a bitch! Love seeing her again, even if it is a bitchy role. She is one hot ticket.

Tomorrow I will need to shower and brush my teeth. Yes, these two things have to be the priority of the day. Just hope that I don’t gag when I brush. I still have to call the dentist. I am so dreading seeing them because I know I will be reprimanded for failing my dental hygiene activities. I don’t know when I stopped caring about brushing. It has been years since I have brushed consistently. I don’t mean to write this to be gross just as an observation as those suffering depression often neglect these things, depending on the severity of depression. Course my reasons for stopping to brush have more to do with nausea and gagging than for depression itself. I would always throw up while brushing in the morning so I stopped one day and really haven’t gone back to it. I will if I am not nauseous and can “get away with it” so to speak. It all has to do with timing. I got to make sure my stomach is empty or half full so I don’t throw up all its contents. So because of this, I have stopped brushing.

Enchanted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide

There I was again tonight
Forcing laughter faking smiles
Same old tired lonely place
Walls of insincerity
It was enchanting to meet you
Your eyes whisper have we met

And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is It was enchanting to meet you
This night is sparkling don’t you let it go
I spent forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

These are the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s song “Enchanted”. Every time I listen to this song it I think of the night that Dr. Jobes read my poster and I was enchanted by what surrounded me that night. He shook my hand and said good work. I was floored. I still am. He is my idol, my superstar. But that night and the next day changed me. I wish I could hold on to that feeling forever and this song takes me back to that time when I knew I belonged in the suicidology world and not a crummy lab working as a lab assistant. The next day, I got to meet David Lester and Antoon Leneears. Big names in the suicide field. I had just read their article the night before that they co-wrote along with Mauricio Pompili about Shneidman’s psychache pain scale. It can never work in the real world as it is a very complex scale not for the person taking it, but for the person interpreting it. I wish I could remember the name of the article and post it for those that want to read it but I would have to dig for it as I don’t know where it is. Anyways, I met these guys that I read the night before and how cool is that?? Total Enchantment!!

It was my first conference at the AAS, American Association of Suicidology. I still can’t believe that they accepted my paper for a poster session. It was unbelievable. I got to meet people and other grad students. I was probably the only undergrad there. It was such an amazing experience. I was on cloud nine for days. It made me want to get my degree faster but that would end later that year as I suffered a psychotic break and never fully recovered from it. All the pressure of that year through me into a psychosis that was hard to manage. I was also taking at the time a very difficult psych class and I guess it also didn’t help me. I ended up failing that class. I went from enchanted to disbelief. But nothing can take away that feeling of meeting Jobes and him shaking my hand.

beyond tired and darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, writing

I had three important phone calls to make today, well more like for the past several weeks, and I have been procrastinating on all of them. Today I decided to make one. It was nothing major, just an eye appointment because my vision has not been focusing on thing lately and especially when I am tired, I can’t read or use the laptop anymore because everything is blurry, even with my glasses on. This receptionist was a nitwit. She basically had the impression that I was not worthy of coming into the practice for whatever her reasons were. She (who is not a doctor by the way) thought it would be more prudent to my neuro-ophthalmologist when my doctor specifically told me a regular ophthal was ok. I got really frustrated very quickly. Then she had the audacity to give me an appointment “but to call soon so you can cancel it”. I don’t know what bee was in her bonnet but I am going to call on Monday and try to get another receptionist and another appointment that isn’t five months away! My eyesight hasn’t gotten worse, and I think it’s mostly due to migraine activity but I am not a doctor so I can’t make that assumption! And what really pissed me off was that my information was in the computer. The other receptionist who left me a message to call because I was a “new patient” when I filled in the online web appointment. What a jerk. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her what was going on and also made an appointment with my optometrist to let him know what is going on because I need some fucking answers. I can’t have my eyes decide to go screwy with me when I need them to focus. It makes writing and reading very difficult.

I say this because I am beyond exhausted. My eyes are really tired and I know soon they will not focus on anything I try to make them focus on. So blogger chat friend, I might not be able to chat with you later. I think I am getting a migraine because I am so tired. I have been up since 630. I had a long morning with my father and his stupid doctor appointment and we still have no idea why he is so tired. I think it is because he has a virus. But then most things are always viruses when you go to the doctor anyway. You can have a clear case of bacterial pneumonia and they will call it a virus until you run fevers and chills to give you antibiotics. And in the age of superbugs, I don’t doubt their holding off. But I digress. This blog isn’t about antibiotics.

I have felt really sleepy today but have not had a nap. I actually woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. And once it went off, all I want to do was shut it off, roll over, and sleep. But I had my coffee at Starbucks so that helped to wake my brain up for a bit. I was so sleep deprived I didn’t bring a book or notepad like I usually do when I take my father to his doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t concentrate anyways.

I keep thinking about ending my life. I just really want to know what would happen if I weren’t around anymore. My father won’t be going to doctor’s appointments anymore but that is the least of my worries. I really want to see my niece graduate high school this year. But it all seems so far away from me. Everything seems so far away from me, my book, my life. All too far from my reach. It’s like being cloaked in darkness and trying to reach out into the light but nothing is there and all that is, is more darkness.