Tag: depression

In a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

In a foul mood

I woke up early yet again today. It seems that I am not destined to sleep past six in the morning anymore. I woke up with cramps in my foot so took some muscle relaxers. I was not happy. I am now cold and just so angry for some reason.

I played my game and now I think I am going to take a nap. Foot is being a bastard so I might as well pop some pain pills to make sure it doesn’t get worse. I am just so annoyed. For the first time in months I am thinking about dying again. I am not suicidal, just thinking about what it would be like if I were dead. I know I am headed toward the abyss. I have been trying to stave it off as long as possible. I had a good night last night with my Patriots winning their game. Now I just want to sleep. With any luck, maybe I just won’t wake up.

just some words on a screen

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Been up since six this morning. I didn’t wake up in pain, though the pain started about twenty minutes after I was some what awake. I felt energy and my brain was awake so I worked on my second book for a little bit. I wrote a few pages until I ran out of what to say. I then fell back to sleep because by then the pain meds had kicked in. I had the weirdest dream when I woke up a few hours later. I dreamt I was over a Facebook friend’s house and we were playing games because she was looking for something to do. I hardly know this person as she is the daughter of one of my friends. I might have met her twice in real life. That was why the dream felt so strange. I will blame it on the pain meds.

I made some breakfast and then played my game. In no time I was out of rewards and that pisses me off because then I can’t get the stuff that I need from other people. I usually get the stuff from my other account but I just didn’t feel like make a bunch of requests and then logging in the account to get them. It is very time consuming. Not that I had anything to do or something. It just gets mundane after a while.

I then went to get my prescription at the super Stop and Shop and was floored when my prescription was more than it usually is. They raised the price of it by twenty dollars. I didn’t have the money but the pharmacist was kind enough to give me a few pills till my next check comes in. I had to sign up for their savings program in exchange for it so it still is going to cost me money in the end. I might as well go through my insurance, but then I am not going to have it for that much longer. I have decided that I am going to go on the state plan. I think it will be better for me because my cousin, who is on the same medicine as me, pays less for it than I do on my plan. He only pays like ten dollars and I have to pay thirty for mine. And this is just for ONE prescription! I have like seven different pills that I take on a regular basis so it adds up. He takes about the same and his total cost is like twenty dollars. My cost is way more than that. It drives me crazy. He also pays for his insurance but it is less than mine. I just really have to find out if my primary doc takes state insurance. If he doesn’t, I will have to keep it until they kick me off it and I have no choice but to switch. I am really worried about it. As it was, I got so wracked up (mostly due to the coffee I drank), I got the shakes and thought instantly of killing myself. I just hate it when I am this broke. Every month I have to pay at least seventy dollars for my pills. It kills me but I have to be on them or I go nuts. This pill that went up was my blood pressure medicine. I have been on it for a while so I don’t want to stop taking it. I get really bad migraines and of course my blood pressure goes up when I do stop taking it. I think the high blood pressure causes the migraines because since my BP has been normalized, I don’t get migraines that often anymore. I still get them but they are infrequent.

I also have been in a weepy mood today. My sisters were talking and for some strange reason I just felt like bawling my eyes out. It might have had a little something to what we were talking about but, man, I have never cried in front of my sisters and mother ever. I don’t know why I was so emotional and I better not be getting my damn menses again. I will really become suicidal again if that happens. Either that, or I am going into early menopause or something. I was wicked sweaty while we were talking. My shirt became soaked with sweat as I was holding back the tears. I just became really hot all of a sudden.

I keep thinking that if only I could get my book out there I will be set financially, least for a little while. But I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. I am still so scared with this book. I am afraid that it won’t sell. I am afraid of bad reviews. I am afraid of what people will think of me after they read it. I am afraid of it being too successful and giving me false hope. I don’t know if any of these fears has any merit. Maybe every writer has these fears. I don’t know. I never got this far along in my writing to actually write a book let alone actually do it. I have the manuscript in my hands so I know it isn’t just some words on a screen. I am also hoping this is the break in my life that I have been looking for. I am not expecting it to go beyond Amazon.com but if it does then I will be grateful.

While I was going through the publishing process, I realized I still need a blurb about the book. I think I wrote it when I was writing to Dr. Michel. I just have to fine tune it some more so it’s at least more than three sentences.

Today is…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Today is…

Today my high school friend is being laid to rest as her son watches idly by. I went to the wake yesterday to pay my respects and to say goodbye. No one knew who I was but that was ok. I had hoped to see some former classmates but I guess I was too early for them. I didn’t cry as it was a closed casket. Seeing her would have made it more real. I hope that she is no longer suffering and that she is at peace. After paying my respects, I left. It was good timing as I was tired from walking down several blocks to the funeral home and the bus came a few minutes after I left. I didn’t have to stand and wait too long. The reception line was long and I had to stand for more than twenty minutes. It took it’s toll on me but it was worth it.

Today is my therapist and I thirteenth year anniversary. I won’t write a “back to history blog” like I did for my niece. I don’t remember most of what we talked about this week let alone thirteen years. It has been a long thirteen years but I wouldn’t have chosen any other therapist to help me along the way.

Today is also my mother’s birthday. I feel bad because I normally get her some flowers on her birthday and then an idea struck of getting her a sub from her favorite sub shop. That scored me points. LOL. Granted the sub isn’t as pretty as flowers but she was happy just the same.

Depression as struck me hard this week. It happened Monday night while I was in severe pain. It hasn’t let up since. I woke up in pain this morning, which is always “lovely”. It’s more like a cramp that won’t go away. I hate it. Dealing with the pain and depression together is very challenging. The depression just swooped in on me because god forbid the lucky feeling that I was feeling on Monday should last. God forbid if I should have any positive feelings. That is why when I do, I don’t trust them to stay around. I might not be in a pit of depression but I’m close to it. I’m hoping it’s just the grief of the loss of my friend but I was down before I found out she passed away. But at least I am writing again. There were two days this week I didn’t write or blog at all. It was the first time in more than a year that I skipped a blog post for two consecutive days. I just didn’t care. I had no motivation to get out of bed let along write. Usually I force myself to write something everyday as it helps me but I was too exhausted, mentally, to do that. I just said the hell with it. Nothing was coming to me anyways. It would have been painful to pull something out and I hate it when that happens. How is it painful? It’s like trying to pull out a tooth with no anesthesia. To force myself would have hurt me. I hate writing under that type of pressure. I want my writing to be free flowing, not forced.

I wish I could have that feeling back, that feeling of being lucky and happy. It seems so fleeing now. I can barely remember what it was like. I know that I felt good. Seems like every time I have a good day it’s always followed by depression. At least the depression isn’t the “walk in the mud” type. It’s more of a sleep type where I don’t want to get out of bed and all I want to do is sleep. Trouble is that the sleep isn’t restful. It just makes me more tired and useless. Like everything else I do, it takes so much effort and energy to do something. I’m not going to get my coffee today. I really need to rest my ankle today. When I went out to get my mother her sub, I can feel that it didn’t like me walking, even with the AFO on. The AFO is an ankle/foot orthotic that makes me walk correctly. If I had gotten it way back when, I might not have been on the road to disability. Course the way things are now, I doubt I would still be on the road to being an author if I was still working. Those are the “what ifs”.

My pain seems to have lessened since early this morning. As usual, I am wicked exhausted. Pain just takes a lot out of you and you don’t even realize it until it is gone, or at least simmered down. I really want to take a nap but am afraid that I will be up all night if I do.

not in a good mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I have been in a depressed state the last few days. It has never affected my writing before but this time it has and that scares me. I found out that a classmate of mine died yesterday. Wake is today and I want to go. I have to travel by T (public transportation) as it is wicked cold and services are in the evening. It is going to be a long day.

I haven’t written in my new book the past few days either. I just can’t seem to focus. The energy that I had on Monday is gone. Seems like it went out the same time my friend’s life did. I am really sad. I am not sure what she died of, people have just been saying complications due to diabetes but what those complications were, no one knows. I read on one page that she needed a kidney. She and I were the same blood type. If I had known sooner, I could have helped out. I feel really bad about this but my therapist says given my health issues it wouldn’t have been possible. At least I could say I tried. Now I am just left wondering.

I don’t know why I am writing this. I am not in a good mood. But I felt like I had to write as it has been almost three days and that is quite unusual for me. I knew that if I didn’t write something today, I might not come back to it. I might write another blog about the wake experience. I am having another therapy session today. I don’t know why I asked for one. I am not in the mood today to talk. I am just really grumpy and I don’t know why.

My therapist keeps asking me if I am suicidal. I am not, I truly am not. Monday I had a bad pain spell. And it left me feeling more depressed than I thought it would. It’s going on three days now. I don’t know what I will wear for this wake. I want to go but yet I don’t. I don’t know if my dress up clothes will fit me. It has been a long time since I have worn them. And the temperature is still in the twenties. Probably will dip after the sun goes down. BBBRRRRRR.