Tag: psychological pain

a mixed day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I have had an emotional day. It started off crappy. Therapy sucked. I went out to get a mocha but there were no seats for me to sit at. So I decided to do an errand for my mother and as I was crossing the street, I got hit by a biker. My arm and shoulder are sore but I saved my mocha. I don’t know how it didn’t end up on the ground. But I think I scared the biker more than anything.

I came home to the mail and it got the sweetest letter by one of my CES support members. She sent me some extra money to ship out my book to prominent people. She think I can send it to Michelle Obama and I am going to try and send it. Worse that can happen is that it gets sent back to me. I think I should write a little note with it as to why I am sending it though. That might help! I might send one to Hillary Clinton because she was on the mental health awareness thing today. If she can endorse it, maybe CES and suicide attempts might get recognition. Big hopes there but you never know.

Then a family friend came over tonight and I talked about the book. I was pretty nervous. I never talked about the intimate details about the book in front of anyone before. Sure online, but that is different than face to face. I still am shaking inside because of anxiety. I have been having more of that lately than I care to admit to. It really stinks. She had no problem with me rambling on about what I was writing about and the formatting problems and the struggle with the editor. It was really good to talk about but I couldn’t help feel nervous about it. She is not a stranger to me. We have known each other for years as our mothers are best friends. I just don’t know why I felt so nervous other than being nervous. I never really talked about my book like I did tonight. And this book is like my baby. I told her there will be another book and she can’t wait for it. I told her it will be a little while. Let’s see how this book does!

So my mood has been all over the map today. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow from that biker. Luckily he didn’t get hurt either. I would have felt really bad if he did.

I have therapy tomorrow so I have some stuff to talk about. I think this is the first time all week that I had something to talk about that I am actually looking forward to talking about, if that makes sense. I still don’t want the session but it will cost me if I cancel it. I just don’t know why we got to meet twice a week. I hate it. Maybe I can get her to reduce our sessions. I just feel like meeting on back to back days is getting me into the funk of not wanting to talk. Then I feel like I am wasting her time and mine. Course, I just think I am a waste of time. Call it the imposter syndrome. If she really knew who I was, she wouldn’t want to do therapy with me. Sometimes I just feel like she is humoring me. That she could do so much more with her time if I wasn’t in her schedule. I just hate her and then when I do tell her, she laughs like it is a joke. I know I am being half serious but shouldn’t she take me seriously? Then, I will feel remorseful and “love” her. I feel like I am borderline with these extremes. I really don’t want to talk to her tomorrow. I know I had some good things happen today but this blog can explain everything to her, if she has the time to read it.

going against orders

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I’m not supposed to be writing this blog because of doctor’s orders, but I just read a blog that got me thinking about writing.

The blog I just read was about anxiety. She talked about how she had an anxiety attack while doing her civic duty. It was bad enough to get her excused from being a juror. She didn’t plan on having the attack, it just came on suddenly and she realized she needed help. She also took a break from her blog for a month to get herself together. I met this woman through twitter and she is normally a funny person. She does silly things and make me laugh. I have never suffered anxiety to the degree she has. I am mostly depressed. But hearing her suffering made me feel bad for those with anxiety. I know it is terrible. I am not saying I am an expert. I only had three anxiety attacks in my lifetime, the full hyperventilation and feeling like you are going to die feelings.

I wasn’t going to do much today but I did some stuff anyways. I got my prescription for my antibiotic and then went grocery shopping. That wore me out. I came home, ate, and then took a nap. I have been sleeping on and off most of the day. My friend called me about two hours ago. He called to tell me he got my book and started reading it. I think he felt deceived in that it is not a happy book. But then, I never said that it was a happy book. The title alone says that it has to do with my suicidal career with mental illness. It doesn’t say that I am bringing up rose gardens. My book is like my blog, raw and sensitive.

I got a few more twitter followers today. I am almost up to 140. I would say that is a good number for me. I didn’t realize that you couldn’t post the same tweet on twitter. So I have had to be creative in my posting about my book. And to do so with 140 characters is a challenge.

one highlight on this bleary day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

So, in case you didn’t know, there is a bug in Internet Explorer browser that might lead you to hacking by assholes. So I have been using Chrome for all my online activity. It is kind of a pain because I am used to having two browsers open and I can check my two MSN accounts simultaneously. Now I cannot do so. I have to sign out of one to get to the other or use my phone for my email. Bugger. I hope that Microsoft fixes this soon because I really like using my laptop for email than my phone.

Went to the doc today because I think I have a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection). I have a trace of it so they won’t treat me until the culture comes back on Monday. Fucking great. I am just supposed to drink cranberry juice while my bladder is having spasms. Just great. And I am leaking when it spazzes so this is just so fucking wonderful. And, the best part, is that of course my doc is on vacation! EVERY single time I need him for something, he is on vacation. I should have just said the hell with going but I feel so miserable and I know I don’t feel right. I am just so pissed I wasted my time today. I emailed my psychiatrist, who I see tomorrow, to let her know. Course seeing her tomorrow is also going to be a waste of time. I don’t know why I bother see her. She isn’t going to have the magic answer to cure me of my depression. She might help with my mood a little bit by seeing her but when I leave it will go too. I am just do depressed I don’t want to do a damn thing. And tomorrow is an early appointment. Which means, I got to get up earlier than usual and get out of the house. Just great.

I had my iced coffee today. It was the highlight of this bleary day. I really enjoyed it. Long as there was one thing today that made me happy even though the rest of the day sucked.

Black hole of depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I have been meaning to see my PCP for the past few days because I think I might have a UTI. Today it was on my mind but I never made the call. I will try again tomorrow. I just don’t want to deal with an idiot and my doc knows the situation I am in so I know he will understand more than one of his colleagues. Trouble is, I don’t know if I can see him. He might not be available and then I will be screwed. I have an appointment with him next week but I fear the longer I wait, the worse I will get. I am already starting to feel really crappy. No fevers or anything but just run down. I hate dealing with this. And then if it is not a UTI, I am going to wonder if my back is starting to go. That is my huge fear.

I still am in a hopeless depression. I swear it gets worse with each passing day. I am just so tired of fighting it all the time. Why can’t I just sleep and not wake up until it passes? Or just not wake up at all. That would be my ideal plan. I just feel like I am stuck in a black hole of some kind that is sucking all the hope from me. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, it never works. I feel so useless.

I had a few arguments with my therapist today. I told her that I hate her. I didn’t want to see her anymore and that next week would be our last session. All got ignored. She didn’t like the idea of quitting while I was in the throws of another suicidal depression, so she is not going to let me go. She is such a bitch. I don’t know how many times I told her I hated her. But she just ignored me. That made me even more mad. I told her I didn’t want to talk. We agreed that we will meet once next week. I hope she keeps that. Sometimes she will say something like that but then “forget” and call me. She still wants me to go out there to sign her book. I haven’t figured out when I am going to do this. If I had the money for gas, it would be no problem. I would just borrow my sister’s car and go out there. But I am broke and what money I have left I have to save to ship out my books to the UK. I told my therapist I would text her like crazy and she is ok with that. She is a weirdo.

My psych answered my email that I sent at like 2-3 in the morning. She wanted to see if I saw my PCP. I told her I slept late and didn’t call. I then asked if she had any magic pills as my pills suck but she hasn’t responded. I also told her I am in a black hole, that I am beyond hopeless. I don’t want to go on with treatment anymore. What is the point? My therapist said that if I stopped my meds, I would be worse. Probably. I just hate being so down and tired all the time.

Tomorrow I need to cancel one appointment and make another. Go to the post office and ship my book to the UK. Then, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t feel like going for coffee. I don’t feel like writing. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing. Today I did a lot as I was waiting for UPS to deliver my books so I was going up and down the stairs constantly. My ankle is not happy with me right now and probably won’t be the rest of the night. Oh well. I just need to clear off a shelf on my bookcase to put the books in.