Tag: suicide ideation

Am I still a midnight demon?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache

I am up again in pain. I am thinking of changing my name from midnight demon to something else as I no longer write in the wee hours of the morning anymore. I guess I wrote in the wee hours because I was up late from my job and couldn’t sleep because of the dark thoughts that I had. Now I write at any time I feel like it, morning, afternoon, evening, or even after the midnight hour. I have the time to write more now that I am no longer working. I don’t know if this is a good thing or bad. But least I have the flexibility to do it.

Like I said I am in pain. My throat is killing me again. I thought it was getting better but I guess not. I plan on calling my primary’s office soon as they are open to see if I can come in sooner than Thursday. This is just getting ridiculous. The pain is much less than it was but still, I have to take my pain meds to quiet it down and I don’t like using my meds for something as benign as throat pain. The cough syrup helps but it only lasts about a half hour to an hour, which is about the time my meds kick in. I know I don’t have strep because I think I would feel worse than what I have been feeling. Who would have thought that a sneeze can cause all this. I think I might have an infection. If I don’t they I really screwed up my throat muscles or connective tissues when I had that horrific sneeze.

The pain is not bad enough that I am thinking of killing of myself but then, pain doesn’t have to happen for me to think about it. I just keep wondering how it will be when I am dead. To not be able to feel anymore, to not hurt psychologically anymore. To not actually be dead when I already feel dead inside. Since work ended, I thought that things would change for the better but I still feel the same. I might not have the same pressures I did when I was working, the whole being at work on time and dealing with the idiots at work, but I still feel this pressure on my chest every day. Sometimes it is so bad, I can’t breath. I know my respiratory system does my breathing anyway but it just feels like I can’t breath because of this weight. I guess even though the job is away, the psychache isn’t. I still have the psychological pain, pressure, and press. What made me want to kill myself to get away from my job, I now want to get away because I can’t stand living. I know that if I had some purpose to my life I would probably feel better. If I had some direction or something to do other than just thinking of writing or playing my internet games, maybe I wouldn’t feel so low. But it’s hard when your depression causes you to feel unmotivated. I could have cleaned my room twice over by now if I had the energy to do so but I don’t. I look at the mess and I just get overwhelmed with it and say the hell with it. I have no where to put my clothes anyway. I can’t hang them up as my closet is full already and so is my one bureau. My room is small enough that it cannot fit another one. I bought a bookcase for my room thinking I could fit some clothes on it but it got full with all the books that I have lying around. I buy a lot of books. I am currently reading like 5 books right now, though really, I am just spending most of my time on one. But even reading I have a hard time doing sometimes. It takes a lot of energy for me to read for an hour. The book that I am reading interests me but I can only pay attention to it for so long before I want to go to sleep or go back on twitter. I am a Twitter addict, I confess.

I had read a few short books for a friend so I could review them. That was something to do. The hard part was actually writing the review. The books left a positive impression but I couldn’t get it out on word. This is the third time that I have written a review for my friend. I am thinking of doing that for all the books I read from now on. It doesn’t take long to do it. But there are some books like the suicide books I read that are a bit technical for some people. They may not be a favorite but it is good to have a review for people to read. I wish I had done that for the suicidology book I bought. That book, you would think would be a textbook on the working of suicidology, actually sucked. It just talked about what I call the outer layer of suicide. If a person is suicidal, this is what you do rather than what you do to help the person. The book is not empirically based, least I don’t think it is from what I remember. But then some time has past since I last looked at the book.

Why do I love reading about suicide? Because I think that if I understand it better, I can help myself so I can be less suicidal. But back in 2012, when I was at the annual conference of the American Association of Suicidology, I realized that I am a hopeless case. That I will never get better because I cannot find someone to stand the pain with me. My therapist tries, but she gets anxious when I talk about suicide and then we spend more time talking about other stuff than what is important. I recently asked her if we can talk about the roots of my suicidality and didn’t learn much about it. I started thinking of suicide when I was eight years old. I had tremendous pain at that age that no one knew about. I learned to live with it all this time by not speaking about it. Why was I in pain? I don’t know. My memory is not as good as it once was. They say that all the answers lie inside you but for answering why I was suicidal I have no clue. I don’t know why I was in pain. I could have been in pain because I did not have a happy childhood. I had an abusive father and an abusive mother that was sexually interested in me. I also did not believe that I was a girl growing up. I wanted to be Mike but I couldn’t show it or even speak of it for fear of getting the shit kicked out of me. Maybe that is the reason for my pain. I don’t know. But whatever that is causing this pain is making my life intolerable.

suicidality

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicide

Slept most of the day as I was up a few times during the night, again because of throat pain. It is so unbearable. But luckily with pain medication, I seem to have it under control, unlike my ankle pain, which surprisingly has not acted up. Probably because I am not really doing anything. I am staying in my room because it is quiet and I need to rest.

I was hoping something profound would come to me today but nothing has. I keep wondering why there are no comments on my blog about my plans. I guess no one is really reading it or knows what to say. That is ok. I don’t know what to say if I was reading my blogs either.

I am open to my blog about ending my life. I am not that open to the people around me. I feel that if I were, I would be hospitalized or placed on suicide watch. I can’t stand to be on either. I can’t even tell my psychiatrist that I am going to kill myself because I am afraid of what she will do. I already see her once every two weeks. I don’t know if she would want to see me weekly after she finds out or what. I know I don’t need her help. I am not killing myself because she has failed me. She has tried to keep me alive all these years through being there for me. But I can’t help but think that the less she knows, the better.

I wish I could say the same for my goofy therapist but she wants to know the details of my demise. I don’t know why. She can’t stop me. No one can. I have to do this because I am tired of fighting the pain. I am tired of forcing breath into an empty soul. I am tired of a heart beating in a useless body. I feel dead inside so I feel I must die. It is the only option left to me. I have tried medications and they don’t work. I have tried therapy for the past twelve years and still I want to end my life. I have been under the care of a psychiatrist for twenty years and still I think of and plan my death. I have to see why I think these things. The voices say that I will have relief, that there is a better life waiting for me on the other side. I don’t know if I truly believe that. I think that once you are dead you are dead. No more. There is no heaven. There is no hell. There is just nothingness. And no hospital will stop me from achieving this goal that I have set for myself. I cannot be talked in to it. I might be involuntarily committed, again, but they cannot keep me forever.

air let out of a balloon

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide

My blog views have gone through the roof. I currently am at 132 for today ALONE. I never had such interest before. I always felt that if I got at least 20 views a day, I was doing good. But never would I imagine that there would come a day that 100 people would read my blog or that a single person would read my entire blog. So I thank you because it means a lot to me.

I still feel like crap. I don’t know if I am getting better or worse. I just know that I am now taking pain killers for my throat pain as it keeps it away for a few hours until it wears off. I was taking two tablets but have now cut down to one and it seems to still do the trick. I would call for an appointment to my doctor but he doesn’t have any openings until next week. I see him anyway. I see him next Thursday. I just hope that I am better by then but I don’t think so as I am now coughing up yellow phlegm. Not a good sign that all is well. And noises are driving me beserk!! I cannot tolerate my mother listening to the TV anymore so I shut myself up in my room where it is quieter. She has to listen to it almost full blast because she is deaf and I just cannot tolerate it. My head still feels like it is underwater. I don’t think it is because of migraine activity because I don’t have a headache. I still am congested and I HATE it. I rather have the annoyances of a cough than have head congestion. Least with a cough you can take medicine for it but congestion, HA, I have tried everything and nothing works. The only thing that does that lasts but for a few hours is my nasal spray.

I talked with my therapist today. I told her I was still planning and scheming to end my life. She wanted details of my demise and I asked her why she wanted them. She gave me some bullshit about her just wanting to know. I was too sick to argue with her so I told her. I then told her about my conflict about my mother and my friend who is depending on me to be there to help her with her writing. I sometimes feel that I can put off killing myself because of these two people and then I get the fuck its and don’t really care. Plan back on. If it sounds like I am ambivalent, I guess I am. Planning your death is not easy. There are many variables you have to account for. And stupid me, I have let the one variable (therapist) in on it. Now my therapist wants me to tell my psychiatrist. I can’t tell her because I know I will be involuntarily hospitalized. If not now, then I know around the time I am to do the deed.

I was also telling my therapist today that I just feel this need to do this more than anything in the world. I don’t know why. I just know that I cannot go on like this. I am tired of always being in the dumps, being in pain, and not being able to walk more than a few blocks. I have tried to cope, to pretend that all is right and that I can make it but I am still struggling for air and I just feel my time has come to an end. I know I will leave a book unpublished but I have my blog. I hope it will be enough.

Since I have been sick, I have not had my coffee all week. Not that it matters anyways as it hurts to swallow. It seems to be all fine after I take my pain pill but sometimes it still hurts and it is so driving me crazy. I wish I had popsicles. I know those would soothe my throat. I have ice cream sandwiches but they aren’t the same.

My endo doc ordered blood work and when I brought it up to my psychiatrist, she wanted some things too. I wanted to get it done Tuesday but because I wasn’t feeling well, it slipped my mind. I am going to try and get it done tomorrow. I have to be fasting so that means I can’t have my coffee. Which is so going to suck! I can take it with me though. I think that is what I will do. Though I don’t see the point as who cares if my cholesterol is high when in less than two months, I plan on being in the ground.

things you have control of

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I slept most of the day because I didn’t sleep most of the night. Around five, after my mother ate her dinner, she had a hypoglycemic episode. I heard her yell something so came down the stairs. She was trying to get up off the couch but she couldn’t. I am glad because she could have fallen head first into the coffee table. I gave her some sugar water and when that didn’t work I gave her some OJ. Finally her sugar went up to normal and before bed she had something to eat as her sugar was “low” at 128. I don’t know why her sugars have been down but I think it is because she cleaned the bathroom and didn’t have any snacks in between.

This is the second time in two weeks she has had this episode. While this cause my adrenaline to get pumped up, afterwards I was wiped out. Even though I had slept most of the day, the up caused me to get down real quick. I had a bowl of cereal. I had talked to my therapist earlier that day but had no recollection of what we talked about. I know she is going to call my psychiatrist and tell her what is going on. I feel like I am being ratted out but she feels like my psychiatrist should know my plans.

A friend of mine sent me her book on penpals. I am to write a review after I read it. I am in the early chapters but am moving along. So far it is an OK book and I am hoping by the end of the main character’s trip, she meets up with her childhood Penpal.

I just had my morning coffee. No Isla Flores today as it is raining out and I just don’t feel like getting wet. I did take a shower today and brushed my teeth, something that I have not been doing in a few days. I know most people that read this will have no idea why I write about it. It is because with depression, those things are forgotten about. I know you might be thinking, big deal, but for those with depression, it is a big deal. It is all about self-care and those are the basics things that need to be done. You might not need to shower every day, but you do need to brush your teeth. I have been so bad I might do it 3-4 days of the week. Or just when I shower, which is usually every other day. It is hard to remember to brush because I have gotten so out of the habit. I can’t really brush in the morning because I have bad post nasal drip (PND) that gags me and if I try to brush, I will vomit. So I have to do it when I am not feeling so nauseated by the PND.

For two days this week, I was feeling really good, almost totally euphoric. But something happened on the middle of the second day and I have been feeling “normal” aka my baseline, since then. I am waiting for a crash to happen. I also have had no appetite during this period. My appetite came back today. I woke up feeling really hungry so made myself an egg with toast. I then needed to take a shower because the egg yolk spurted out onto my t-shirt. I hate when that happens.

My friend that sent me a book, sent me another book about dogs, also to review. I had a hard time choosing between which one to read first as I like dogs and her dogs are adorable. In the preview, it talked about how her husband got sick and they became interested in dogs as a sort of therapy while her husband was recovering. But I chose the Penpal book because I have a deadline with that. I have a month to write the review for it. The book is not long. Most of her books are not more than 120 pages. (Yes, in addition to her friend, I am also her fan, but don’t tell her that!)

I started the patch this week for menses. So far, I have been feeling no side effects and don’t even notice the patch. The temperature has dropped since the beginning of the week. We are now in the cool 50-60s. And as I said earlier, we have rain. I think it is going to rain all weekend, which might seriously affect my baseball game tonight. Heavy rain is predicted around game time. And like most of the games this season, the Angels are only coming to Fenway once so a make up game might be in the works for tomorrow. But I hate double headers. My team doesn’t do well. Last night they won in a walk-off homer by David Ortiz. I was in dreamland. Like I said before, I was not feeling good yesterday. I had woken up at 0230 in pain and didn’t go back to sleep until 0600. To say that I was pissed off at 0230 in the morning is an understatement. I was livid and that kind of kept me up more than anything. I finally got the pain under control but I still couldn’t go to sleep. Around 0530, I got hungry so had a bowl of cereal. I then fell asleep shortly after that. I hate it when I wake up in pain because you don’t know if you are going to stay up all night in pain or if taking something is going to put you back to sleep. But after I slept I was up every three hours which totally fucked up my day. I finally got some decent sleep after I talked with my therapist. I know she wanted to talk more about my date and stuff but I wasn’t going to talk about it. I just keep things to myself because I can. She doesn’t want me to kill myself. I get that but she also needs to understand that I might do it anyways. I keep thinking about how this might look from another person’s perspective and it isn’t good. I know my therapist is trying to get me to see that I am meant to live but I don’t want to live in pain anymore. Killing myself is the one thing that I have control over. The pain I don’t have control over. Even with meds, I still am in pain most of the time. I might not feel it all the time because I have gotten so used to it but it is there.