Tag: suicide

this life would kill me…

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt, writing

The Boston Bruins have won the semi finals to advance to the Eastern finals. In Overtime. It was a spectacular game. I didn’t watch one second of it. I just had to turn on Facebook and Twitter to learn of the hits and misses. It was awesome. I can’t watch hockey. To me, I rather watch golf. It is the most boring game to me.

My Sox were off tonight. A travel day to the Trop in Florida. They will be playing the Tampa Bay Rays tomorrow.

My friend who gives me ideas sometimes for writing thinks I should write about suicide in the spring and baseball season. I think I have already written about it. But I almost told her that this was my last year. I have given up and there is really nothing no one can do about it. I am just going through the motions of living just to fool everyone around me into thinking I am ok. I hate having these dual feelings, the ambivalence about living. I just know I can’t go on. If I could, I would try something now but it will just mess up my plans for later on this year. I just don’t feel the timing is right. Not that the timing is ever right. I just have it in my head about this certain date and I got to make sure that things are set before this date. I might try in a month or two to leave this world but I am not sure. The ambivalence is just killing me, literally. I want to die but I don’t want to live. Maybe if I survive this, that will be the name of my book.

I have been writing about the Aeschi model and the CAMS model for the AAS blog that I write for. I feel like I have the basics down pat but I am stuck on the specific details about it. But then it is not an exact science. People have died even though they have followed the Suicide Status Form to a T. I still feel like trying to prevent suicide is a tricky business. You can’t take away that person’s option. Once you do, it is treacherous territory. But working with a suicidal person is risky. You might get them out of the water this time, but not be so successful the next. It take a constant vigilance and effort to deal with a suicidal person. I don’t know how my therapist does it. I feel like if I kill myself I will let her down. She traps me into living and I hate her for it. But like the song by Thompson Square, If I didn’t have you, goes. “This life would kill me if I didn’t have you.”

don’t failures always fail?

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Had a bad night. Right before going to bed I decided to write my therapist a letter. I don’t know what possessed me to write to her at such a late hour but I did. It started off ok but then the more I wrote, the more I got upset. I starting thinking about how my life would be better off if I wasn’t in it. Then I started off saying that there is no point in being in therapy anyways if I was just going to take my life. And what is the point of therapy, why do I continue to go on knowing that I am going to take my life anyways. This time there is no doubt about it. I plan on taking my life sometime this year because there is no way I am going to live another year of being in chronic physical and emotional pain. I just can’t do it. I know there are people out there that have the same condition as me, who have the same degree of depression, who have no reason to go on. They might be down on their luck and everything that goes with it but they will get better with time. I also know they endure because suicide, although appealing to them, just doesn’t seem to be the answer for them or maybe they have tried and realized they are better off suffering. I don’t know. I just know that I am done. I am done trying to sort out my life knowing that I am a failure in everything I do. I might fail on this last bid to exit this world but at least I can’t say that I didn’t try hard enough this time. I have been planning for years and if I don’t do it now, then I might as well just stop saying that I am going to kill myself when I know I’m not. I want to be dead, why is that hard for people to understand. I know there are people in my life that will have no clue why I’m suicidal, but I am hoping these blogs will help them understand that I am just a loser who fails at everything I do. I should be places right now, have my degree and be on my own, making the kind of money a degree brings. Instead my illness has robbed me of that and so much more. It has destroyed my credit history and I really don’t care much anymore because I will be dead. Least I hope I will be. I might fail because I am just a failure and don’t failures always fail?

Ramblings 37: intent to die

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Been an early morning for me. I woke up at eight and my grocery delivery isn’t until eleven or so. I am hoping it is at eleven but they gave me a time frame of eleven to one. I saved a dollar by choosing this time.

I have been feeling pretty low the past few days. I don’t know why. I just have had a low mood of not wanting to do anything but have been forcing myself to do things. Today because I didn’t wake up with the horrible ankle pain, I am going to try and take a shower after the delivery and go out and get more coffee. I just had a cup but I know it’s not enough to keep me going. Besides I like to sit outside and read for a bit to make some headway on my book. The book is called “Team of Rivals” and it is about Lincoln’s political life and cabinet while in office. Right now I am reading the stuff that happened before he was chosen as the republican candidate for the 1860 election. I find it interesting that the author is talking in detail about the three other candidates, Seward, Bates, and Chase, men who later became members of his cabinet.

Other than reading, I plan on working on my book. I am hoping that if I read it through I can edit it and add stuff to it. Right now it just sounds like an essay of my life. I have not talked about the beginnings of my life. Just started at when I took my first serious overdose that landed me in the hospital. That is my starting point for me because it changed me profoundly. It didn’t help my suicidal feelings and I wanted to kill myself more than ever while I was in the hospital but it also changed my thinking so that I could deal with my suicidality and sort of live with it. There have been attempts after this, but they were not as serious as this one was. And there were plenty of hospitalizations after too. I was averaging at least two per year. Though there was a period where I did not go in the hospital, I have been hospitalized twice this past year and may need to go in again. I have been dreading it because they always mess up my meds. I like to take my meds in the evening, right before bed. But the stupid docs think that I take them in the morning and so they haul my ass out of bed while I am still asleep just for me to tell the Med Nurse to stuff it. It all gets sorted out the day I get discharged or the day before. Not much help there.

I am doing a back up recovery on my computer so I hope that I don’t lose this paper. I have not done this since I bought my laptop. And like I thought, when it finished it restarted the laptop. Glad I saved when I did. I get really mad when I lose a document.

My groceries have just been delivered and I should shower and get dressed but I just don’t feel like it right now. I feel like writing some more but not really sure where this rambling is leading to. Been thinking about what I said earlier about my serious suicide attempt versus my not so serious ones. What defines a serious one versus not? If you need medical attention and end up on a medical ward or the ICU, that is a serious attempt. If you just take a few pills and feel woozy, that is less serious or if you slice your wrist and need stitches but did not intend to die. The key word is intent to die. There are a lot of people who try to take their life without the intention of ending their life. They just wanted to end the pain and if it meant they died than so be it. But then there are people who do the same dangerous things with the intent to die. It’s a slippery slope.

There have been a few times I have been put in the hospital because I cut my wrist. I didn’t intend to die, I just cut a little deeper than I wanted and needed some stitches. Sometimes I have been able to talk my way out of getting hospitalized because when I cut, I do not intend to die. I just want to relieve the pressure of my feelings. Then there are times when I want to overdose on something and that will lead me to a hospitalization. A couple of times I have told the hospital staff that I wanted to jump in front of a train. But that seems to scary for me. I don’t know if I will be able to do it. I once rehearsed it, not really jumping in the tracks but jumping from a height that was similar to the tracks. I also timed where would be the train coming in the fastest. I rode the trains a long time to sort out things but I never tried jumping.

I hope that this is making sense. I know these are just thoughts that are just coming off the top of my head. But isn’t that how all writers write?

suspects and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

The manhunt for the bombers of the Boston Marathon is over. I should be sleeping but I can’t stay off my twitter feed for updates on the suspect’s condition. He has been bleeding since very early yesterday morning when his brother got killed in the first shootout with the police. I have never had this happen to my city. I am not sure if what I am feeling is normal or I am going crazy. I have been crying, angry, irritable, and at times just sad. Four people have lost their lives because of these assholes. 176 people were injured so severely they lost their legs. Some are still in the hospital in critical condition.

I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid I will have dreams about the bombing and what I saw today on the news. Hearing the gunshots in the second shoot out is still running through my head though I was not there. I just heard it on the news, over and over. It was “exclusive news coverage” because channel 7 had it and no other station did. I understand that 4,5,6,and 7 were covering the story from 22:30 last night until 21:30 tonight. They were really doing a good job of repeating themselves over and over because they had nothing new to report and they had to stay on top of the scene in case something did develop. I seen the mess they made on Cambridge street in Cambridge where the suspects lived and investigators found more bombs. I know I can rest easy because they are caught and I don’t have to worry about more bombs going off but I can’t seem to calm down enough to relax enough to sleep. I just am so hyped up. I am listening to my favorite country artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has such a soothing voice. But not even her voice tonight is helping me sleep.

I know the other reason I cannot sleep is because my left foot is acting up again. It is in the throws of a heated state. It feels like it is on fire and I can’t get it to calm down. I have tried everything I know and still it does not work. And it is wicked painful so I can’t stand on it.

It is hot in my room. 75 degrees. I have the ceiling fan going to cool down the room and see if that help my on fire foot. I hate it when my foot keeps me up. I start thinking of ending my life again. I figure why bother if every night I am going to be in pain. But the sad part is that my days are always better than my nights. During the day, I am hardly in any pain. Unless I stand too long or walk too much. Anything that will activate the tendonitis in my ankle will cause me pain. It sometimes can be the irritation caused by my sneakers. Pathetic I know.

How will I kill myself…many thoughts have run through my head about this. I sometimes think about it and then I am ok and won’t actually think to go through with it. The latest is throwing myself over my hall bannister with a rope around my neck but I am wicked afraid that the bannister won’t hold my weight and I will go crashing to the floor. That will not be good. The other idea I have to throw myself off the back of my porch but I am afraid that my nieces will find me and that is too scary for them. I have thought about pills but I would need a hotel room and I just can’t afford one right now.