Tag: transgender

a night of pain and the aftermath of self-harm

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I had an awful night of sleep last night. I was awaken by pain in my elbow. I couldn’t straighten my arm out at all without severe pain. It was very swollen and I must have slept on it wrong. Whatever it was, it had gotten slightly better by the time I woke up a few hours later with another pain in my good foot. I forgot to tell the podiatrist about this mysterious pain that happens in my arch and goes away when I get moving. It was five AM when it woke me up so I wasn’t moving anywhere. I just took some more pain meds and tried to sleep some more.

Even now, my elbow is tender. I was going to call the doctor to make an appointment but I really don’t want to see another doctor for sometime because of my cuts. I am afraid they might not understand and send me to psych services or something. Once they heal a little more, I will decide if I should go. I think naproxen is taking care of the pain for now in my elbow anyways and my foot so I am good.

I wrote a good summary about my cutting episode in my journal the night it happened. I plan on typing it up and posting it when I feel up to it. I still feel numb and lost. I can believe that I did this. It was bound to happen one of these days when something set me off. I have to say it is better than me attempting suicide. Three one inch cuts hardly can count as an attempt as that was not the intention. I just needed a release. I still have not told my psychiatrist. She kindly called in my antipsychotic prescription. It went through this time around. Thirty bucks gone. Now I just have to fill my pain meds and I am set for the month. I will drop off the script tomorrow as I forgot to do it today when I went to the pharmacy. I just wasn’t thinking about it until I went to pick up my other prescription.

I haven’t written anything about my darkness story in a few days. I should write about the cutting but I am afraid it might trigger me into cutting again like it did the other day. It got real intense and I totally wasn’t expecting that. Usually I can write and it is all good, no matter how dark and carried away I get but this time, it just proved to be too much. If I was an alcoholic, I would feel like I lost my sobriety. It had been more than ten years since I last cut. I am kind of uncertain what lies ahead now. I am trying not to think about it but it sometimes gets the better of me and I do think about doing it again. It is an addiction to the pain that I feel. Yet it also is a release. Only a cutter would understand what I am talking about.

Other than my therapist and the blog world, I have not told anyone about the cuts and I have been careful to keep them concealed around my house. I am supposed to go to my niece’s birthday party tonight. I might make an appearance and then leave. I still am not feeling too well since I had a bad night sleeping. My ankle still feels numb from the nerve block. So I guess it was the nerve all this time as my tendon has not flared up. Yet I haven’t done anything the last day or so to warrant it to flare up. I just have stayed home and rested. Today was the first day that I went to Starbucks. I figured I would work on my book and I did. I read the first two chapters then had to stop. I wore my AFO brace today so my ankle would have more support. It’s no longer icy out so I can wear it more. It is still cold out, however. But what do you expect in wintery New England??

I am glad it is cold out as it gives me reason to wear my t-shirt long sleeved shirts. I love them because they are not heavy like sweatshirts. My favorite one is the Red Sox Championship shirt I bought myself. It is in the wash right now because I got something on the sleeve and it was annoying me having to see it. I might wear the same things every day but soon as I notice they smell or have a dirt spot on them, it’s wash time! Speaking of wash, I should take a shower before my niece’s party as I do stink a little. I haven’t showered since Monday night. I can’t believe how long this week has been. I had so many appointments. And I know my therapist is going to want to keep an eye on me so she is going to try to get me to have extra sessions. She is worried since I cut and even though I wrote a blog for the reasons for it, she still wants me to talk about it. Typical therapist stuff. I am just glad she isn’t DBT oriented or my life would be hell right now. She does want me to implement the crisis response plan in the event I again feel like cutting again. She feels to blame, least in my opinion, for my cutting. But it’s not her fault. It’s no one’s fault really. I just had a bad day, a really bad day and something snapped. I can’t really remember what it was but I think me writing about it in that blog really triggered me and I couldn’t get it out of my head despite talking to someone, listening to music, and trying to de-stress. And I didn’t dissociate so that was good. I think I probably would have done more damage if I had.

What I’ve done

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, transgender

*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING******

What I’ve done, I cannot undo. What I have done, is not something that can be explained readily. Talking about Self-Harm is never easy. Just three little cuts is all that were made. The pressure of the day just got to me. I had to release the pressure that was building up the best way I know how. Something snapped inside of me today. I am sure that it is because of the transgender issues that I have been having in my support group for my nerve injury. Somehow my real name was used and despite me correcting them, they still used it. I got very pissed off and annoyed. I know there were other ways I could have handled it but I couldn’t have a blow out over my name issue. Then my book is weighing on my mind. And I wonder how many people are expecting it to be wonderful and what if it isn’t? What if I don’t meet their expectations of this book? All of this was weighing on me today. And I just snapped. I didn’t plan on cutting until it really popped into my head as a great tool to use. I don’t encourage this type of behavior to anyone. But today it fit for me. I am not sure how I feel about it. My wrist hurts. It is sore from its wounds. But the bleeding has stopped like I knew it would. Just three little cuts is all that I made. No big deal. It was of my own volition. No one (voices) told me to do it. And it certainly is not enough to warrant a medical visit of any sort. Psychiatric perhaps but not medical. My biggest fear right now is what I am going to tell my therapist tomorrow. I know she is going to be worried. But I think I am better now that I got this out of my system. I think I can sleep better. I don’t want to do more damage, least not tonight. I know I will always have these urges. Tonight they got the better of me. I am not proud of this. But it was what needed to get done so I had a release. Talking didn’t help. Listening to music didn’t help. taking a PRN didn’t help. I guess I just had cutting on my mind a little more than I should have had. Now I have to wear long sleeves until they heal. That is going to be a challenge because I love wearing short sleeved shirts. But that is my punishment. I have to wear long sleeved shirts until my wounds heal. Will they heal though? Physically they will but I doubt I will heal mentally. The scars are always there to remind me that I am not well, or that once I was not well. I didn’t cut to get stitches tonight and that is good. I just want to feel somewhere I belong. Yet I have to keep myself away from myself. How am I going to do that? I can’t erase what I’ve done.

Transitioning isn’t easy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Transitioning isn’t easy

I just wrote to my support group that I will be changing my name. I feel comfortable in this group and hope that once my book is published, I can be the name I picked out. I have decided that this is the year that I am going to move forward with my transition. I am going to try and do it, weighing my options to what I feel comfortable with and hopefully the depression that I feel around it will be lifted. I have always felt like a “he” more than a “she” most of my life. I have tried to emulate a masculine persona and I think I have succeeded in doing that. The only thing that has prevented this from happening is the things on my chest. They are useless to me. I will never use them as they were intended to be used as I will never bear a child. I have a useless reproductive system that refuses to be stopped. I am hoping that it has stopped, that Dec 29th was my last day of having my menses for a while. I have to be more vigilant about my meds so I don’t run out. Funny how I am lax with certain meds and more mindful, so to speak, about others. I still can’t believe that missing one pill messed me up so badly. Bleeding for two weeks sucked the life right out of me. I was never more depressed than I was during those two weeks, and added to the spotting that I had prior to that, it makes for four weeks almost. Hopefully, I don’t have to buy stock at Always.

I don’t know if I am going to tell my family this year. Maybe as I get closer to changing my name officially I will. But I still am four months away from that. I have to look into it as I am not sure how it is done or if I will have to pay to change my name. Then the hassle of changing everything to my new name will start. Maybe then I can feel more confident in myself.

I just realized that I spent the majority of the day in my room. I have played my mundane game most of the day. I had a late lunch and that was the only time I left my room, and to watch college football for about an hour or so. Today is a holiday and I just didn’t feel like venturing out. I could have. I had my sister’s car I could have borrowed but decided not to. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow all day. I just hope that my therapist’s town doesn’t cancel school. I really want to keep our appointment for tomorrow. It will really suck not to talk to her because then it will be a full two weeks that I have not had therapy. It will be the longest stretch since my having surgery in 2001. Granted that was more like four weeks but still, I have stuff I want to talk about with her. Mostly dealing with this idea of transitioning more.

I am also going to try and set a weight goal for the new year. I hope to be less than what I am now come this time next year. I know it will be a herculean effort as I love sweets and buy them all the time. My new favorite is Edimann’s Donuts. Now I have to stay away from Stop and Shop, or at least the Edimann’s display, which isn’t easy to do because it is right where the yogurt and frozen foods are. But any donut is my weakness. I am surrounded by Dunkin Donuts. There are at least 4 within a mile radius of my house. And of course, Starbucks has them too. Luckily, the last few times I have been there they have been out of my favorite donut. So not eating a donut in 2014 is going to be difficult! I have to eat better, I know that. I am going to try and stick with the cereal diet but lately an hour after eating, I am starving. Losing weight just seems like a losing battle. It’s much easier to gain than to lose. I wish I could exercise but any walking activity is going to flare up my ankle. And no, I don’t do swimming of any sort. I just have to cut the calories and stick with that without starving myself.

Another goal that is more pressing is to see a dentist. I haven’t been to one in over two years. Mostly, it has been my fear that has keeping me from going. I hate the scraping sound and feel of my teeth. I know that if I go regularly, it won’t be so bad. But something always happens when I go for my next appointment. Last time it was because I was in the hospital. I canceled the appointment and never made a new one. But I really need to see one because I am getting really paranoid that I have a cavity. And I am not sure I am still going to have dental insurance throughout the year. I think my benefits are going to stop sometime in April, least for my private insurance. Then I will have to go on the state’s insurance plan, which I have no idea if they will offer dental. All the more reason to make an appointment now rather than later.

can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, transgender, writing

been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours and have not been successful. My mind keeps thinking about things, mostly about how I have not been thinking of suicide the past few days and it just seems odd. How can I go from thinking about suicide every day to not thinking about it at all? Weird. I also have been in pain the past hour or so. I just took something for it.

I am feeling like I should be doing something. But it’s one thirty in the morning. I thought I would write as it just seems like that always brings my thoughts down and makes them go away enough that I can actually sleep. But my I just realized all I had to eat today was some eggs with ham and a few doughnuts. That was quite a while ago. I didn’t have supper. I wanted to order out but I took a nap instead, which is probably why I can’t go back to sleep. I keep looking, well actually scrolling, through Facebook on my phone and going on twitter but nothing new is happening.

I really feel like I should be dead or something. This living thing is hard to really think about. I don’t know what my life is going to be like now. I still have thoughts of buying a cemetery plot and a casket. I really want to buy a casket. I know that is really morbid but it is how I feel. So I might not be suicidal but I still think about death and dying. It is not the same as wanting to kill myself because I am not planning my death. I am just wondering what it would be like if I were dead. I wonder if people will think about me in the same way. I know my mother would be heartbroken. I could careless what my father feels. I don’t know how my sisters will feel.

I have been thinking about reading something. But writing is much more fun. I have been trying to get into the new book called “far from the tree” by Andrew Solomon but it stirs up too many feelings. I am having a hard time reading it so you know it is a good book. It talks about homosexuality and disability. Both of which I am. I didn’t choose to be gay, I just am. I like women. But seeing as I am a transgender, I guess that would make me straight. I don’t know if I ever will be the man I am meant to be. It seems like it is too difficult to try and do. I hate being called “her” or “she”. Some parts of me just feels like I have to accept it. But it hurts when I try and settle for the wrong gender pronouns. I am sure my father wouldn’t like to be called a her. I had some stubble growing again on my chin. He said I should shave. The stubble was irritating me anyways so I did. I then felt bad. I don’t know why I did it. I knew I would feel bad afterwards. But at least I know that it will grow back.

When I was working, I always shaved it off. I liked the idea of shaving every day. I wouldn’t touch my mustache but I would shave my goatee. Now that I am no longer working, I just don’t shave anymore unless I feel like it or I have to go some place important. I don’t know if I will ever take hormones to be a man. I would love to but I don’t know if I can at this stage of the game.

Well, my meds seem to be kicking in right now so I am going to try again to get some sleep.