Tag: writing

a little bit about my psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychosis, suicide, writing

My foot is burning. I just came from doing a little food shopping. Now all I want to do is sleep. I have not decided if I am going to eat today. I just have no inclination to do so as my stomach has not been the greatest the past few days. I don’t feel hungry. I just want to sleep. Maybe if I take a nap I will get hungry. I bought some Chinese food that I have not had in a while. I could make that or go to my go to, cereal.

I still have to refill my prescription for my antipsychotic. I really don’t want to as it’s thirty bucks and I am running low on cash. I have thought of not taking it but that could prove to be disastrous. I would end up back in the hospital most definitely. The voices have been held back and I am afraid that if I stop taking the meds I will regress.

I am not having a good day. I had a difficult session with my therapist. We were talking about my roots of suicidality and I didn’t like going back there. It stirred up things I rather not deal with but now I have to deal with. It doesn’t feel cathartic. It just feels horrible. Remembering what I went through as a kid. It just sucks. People thought that because I was a good kid, I didn’t have problems. They couldn’t have been more wrong. I was dying inside. I just wanted to die and yet I couldn’t let anyone know or my ass would get whooped. I tried to play it off as a happy kid as much as I could but at night it was just me and the voices. We’d talk for hours until I fell asleep. I had different voices growing up, mostly female and a few male. I had to keep them a secret too. I couldn’t talk to them openly like I could while I was in my room. This went on from the age of five to now. I still talk to the voices, especially when I am stressed out. Sometimes they are my sounding board. Sometimes they are mean to me by criticizing everything I do. They would always do it in school while I was taking a test but I could never talk back to them. They were the adults and I was the kid so I had to be quiet. I could only talk to them when I was in my room. And still do. I rarely talk to them when I am with another person. When I read they are the voice that narrates the words for me. We have a symbiotic relationship. I can’t survive without them and they cannot survive without me. I take meds to control the voices and sometimes they are too quiet and I cannot function. There has to be a murmur of voices for me to function. It has always been this way. When there isn’t, I just shut down. I can’t think. I can’t write. I can’t read. I can’t do anything.

The medication that I am controls the bad voices so they don’t interfere with the good voices. I just realized that I skipped the last few days. Shit. I hope that I don’t have negative consequences because of this. It will really suck to have to go back to the hospital. I just emailed my pdoc so hopefully she will give me an answer soon. I am not having bad voices now but that doesn’t mean that I won’t. I am just having some weird movement symptoms, like my arms and legs feel like they are elastic bands and I have to keep moving them so they don’t snap. That is one of the side effects of this medication. I don’t like it but Ativan keeps it in check.

having a rough day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Having a rough day.

Day is not going the way I wanted. I just wanted to sleep today but I am sick with allergies and post nasal drip. I can’t walk more than a few feet without a wave of nausea after sniffling or sneezing. I just took one of my anti-nausea pills that I use for my migraine to try and curb it as it should have stopped by now. I might be getting a migraine but I don’t know until sound or light starts bothering me. I just wanted to spend the day sleeping but that didn’t work for me. Once I woke up, I found it hard to go back to sleep. Plus it didn’t help that I was waiting for a text from my therapist so every text message I was jumping on.

I started re-reading my book but it just sounds stupid at this point. I hate reading and just feel like I should start a new paragraph and start there but I just don’t know what to write.

I still have not started my lyric song book. I think I will wait until the new Lady A album comes out tomorrow. I just some of the lyrics to their new songs and it sounds so amazing. I really love Lady A. They are a cool country group. I wish my Jennifer Nettles would hurry off her maternity leave and get back to work. But I know how it is with babies and such. It’s hard to leave them when they need constant care. I just am dying for some new Sugarland music!!

Been listening to the radio, something I don’t do regularly. I usually just listen to my MP3 player and listen to Taylor, Jason Aldean and Gary Allan. But the radio you get to listen to everyone. Today was the premiere of Tim Mcgraw’s video, “Highway Don’t Care”. I cried. It was so moving. Definitely going to be an award winner.

My Red Sox pulled out another win in the 11th inning. They would have won earlier if they didn’t call Drew out at the plate when the catcher didn’t apply the tag. The home plate ump sucked from that point on.

Right now it is four thirty in the morning and I am up with an upset stomach ache. I took some stuff to quiet it down but it still is bothering me. I hope I don’t throw up. I hate throwing up.

I finally got a reason for the nausea earlier today as I got a migraine in the 4th inning of the game. I hate migraines too.

I got to talk to my therapist today. I told her about the letter. She wanted me to read it to her but I told her I had already put it in an envelope for mailing. I did read her my blog from the other night, talking about me being a failure. She was trying to get me to see that I wasn’t but I paid no attention. She also wanted me to see my reasons for living but I can’t see that when I am suicidal. I can’t think of that. It holds me back and that is what she tries to do. And I hate her for it. I hate being forced to live for the sake of the people around me. It’s like being blackmailed to live. And I don’t like it one bit.

I’m getting sleepy now so I will stop here and continue this another day.

don’t failures always fail?

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Had a bad night. Right before going to bed I decided to write my therapist a letter. I don’t know what possessed me to write to her at such a late hour but I did. It started off ok but then the more I wrote, the more I got upset. I starting thinking about how my life would be better off if I wasn’t in it. Then I started off saying that there is no point in being in therapy anyways if I was just going to take my life. And what is the point of therapy, why do I continue to go on knowing that I am going to take my life anyways. This time there is no doubt about it. I plan on taking my life sometime this year because there is no way I am going to live another year of being in chronic physical and emotional pain. I just can’t do it. I know there are people out there that have the same condition as me, who have the same degree of depression, who have no reason to go on. They might be down on their luck and everything that goes with it but they will get better with time. I also know they endure because suicide, although appealing to them, just doesn’t seem to be the answer for them or maybe they have tried and realized they are better off suffering. I don’t know. I just know that I am done. I am done trying to sort out my life knowing that I am a failure in everything I do. I might fail on this last bid to exit this world but at least I can’t say that I didn’t try hard enough this time. I have been planning for years and if I don’t do it now, then I might as well just stop saying that I am going to kill myself when I know I’m not. I want to be dead, why is that hard for people to understand. I know there are people in my life that will have no clue why I’m suicidal, but I am hoping these blogs will help them understand that I am just a loser who fails at everything I do. I should be places right now, have my degree and be on my own, making the kind of money a degree brings. Instead my illness has robbed me of that and so much more. It has destroyed my credit history and I really don’t care much anymore because I will be dead. Least I hope I will be. I might fail because I am just a failure and don’t failures always fail?

Ramblings 37: intent to die

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Been an early morning for me. I woke up at eight and my grocery delivery isn’t until eleven or so. I am hoping it is at eleven but they gave me a time frame of eleven to one. I saved a dollar by choosing this time.

I have been feeling pretty low the past few days. I don’t know why. I just have had a low mood of not wanting to do anything but have been forcing myself to do things. Today because I didn’t wake up with the horrible ankle pain, I am going to try and take a shower after the delivery and go out and get more coffee. I just had a cup but I know it’s not enough to keep me going. Besides I like to sit outside and read for a bit to make some headway on my book. The book is called “Team of Rivals” and it is about Lincoln’s political life and cabinet while in office. Right now I am reading the stuff that happened before he was chosen as the republican candidate for the 1860 election. I find it interesting that the author is talking in detail about the three other candidates, Seward, Bates, and Chase, men who later became members of his cabinet.

Other than reading, I plan on working on my book. I am hoping that if I read it through I can edit it and add stuff to it. Right now it just sounds like an essay of my life. I have not talked about the beginnings of my life. Just started at when I took my first serious overdose that landed me in the hospital. That is my starting point for me because it changed me profoundly. It didn’t help my suicidal feelings and I wanted to kill myself more than ever while I was in the hospital but it also changed my thinking so that I could deal with my suicidality and sort of live with it. There have been attempts after this, but they were not as serious as this one was. And there were plenty of hospitalizations after too. I was averaging at least two per year. Though there was a period where I did not go in the hospital, I have been hospitalized twice this past year and may need to go in again. I have been dreading it because they always mess up my meds. I like to take my meds in the evening, right before bed. But the stupid docs think that I take them in the morning and so they haul my ass out of bed while I am still asleep just for me to tell the Med Nurse to stuff it. It all gets sorted out the day I get discharged or the day before. Not much help there.

I am doing a back up recovery on my computer so I hope that I don’t lose this paper. I have not done this since I bought my laptop. And like I thought, when it finished it restarted the laptop. Glad I saved when I did. I get really mad when I lose a document.

My groceries have just been delivered and I should shower and get dressed but I just don’t feel like it right now. I feel like writing some more but not really sure where this rambling is leading to. Been thinking about what I said earlier about my serious suicide attempt versus my not so serious ones. What defines a serious one versus not? If you need medical attention and end up on a medical ward or the ICU, that is a serious attempt. If you just take a few pills and feel woozy, that is less serious or if you slice your wrist and need stitches but did not intend to die. The key word is intent to die. There are a lot of people who try to take their life without the intention of ending their life. They just wanted to end the pain and if it meant they died than so be it. But then there are people who do the same dangerous things with the intent to die. It’s a slippery slope.

There have been a few times I have been put in the hospital because I cut my wrist. I didn’t intend to die, I just cut a little deeper than I wanted and needed some stitches. Sometimes I have been able to talk my way out of getting hospitalized because when I cut, I do not intend to die. I just want to relieve the pressure of my feelings. Then there are times when I want to overdose on something and that will lead me to a hospitalization. A couple of times I have told the hospital staff that I wanted to jump in front of a train. But that seems to scary for me. I don’t know if I will be able to do it. I once rehearsed it, not really jumping in the tracks but jumping from a height that was similar to the tracks. I also timed where would be the train coming in the fastest. I rode the trains a long time to sort out things but I never tried jumping.

I hope that this is making sense. I know these are just thoughts that are just coming off the top of my head. But isn’t that how all writers write?