Tag: writing

exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain

I took the day off writing yesterday because I just felt really tired. I slept most of the day. I would have slept today but today was mother’s day and I couldn’t. I feel like I could just drop.

Pain in my foot started early yesterday morning and still continued. I have had no relief, except when I am sleeping. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I plan on sleeping tomorrow.

I don’t know why I am so exhausted. I tried making a cake today and it floundered. I was kind of upset by it. It was still good just didn’t come out the way that I was hoping it to.

baseball and burials

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball

Again not having a good day. Woke up at 0630 this morning to pain in my foot. Took pain pills and went back to sleep and tried not to oversleep as I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. Got up around ten, showered and got dressed. Decided to wear my AFO today with my shorts as today was hot out and I didn’t want to have a day like yesterday. Half way through my drink at Starbucks, my psychiatrist emails me to reschedule our appointment. I was kind of pissed.

Then I get the twitter feed about the stupid burial of the fucking terrorist has been sent to a cemetery in Virginia and I thought finally, there is some closure to this fucker. NOPE. The media had to stick their fucking noses in it with questions to the county, who didn’t even know the guy was going to get buried there. WTF. Cremate his fucking ass already. He isn’t a damn Christain. His body is already almost a month old and I know embalming is good but he must be decomposing while he waits this out. I am not saying I feel for the guy. I just want to stop hearing about how so many places have denied his burial. HE IS A TERRORIST. HE SHOULD BE CREMATED TO BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. He killed four innocent people and injured 176 other innocent people, some of whom have lost their limbs because of this asshole. Burying him is going to promote vandalism on his grave. I know I would like to piss on his grave. Fucker doesn’t belong in the ground.

Then I get another tweet about my beloved Sox and how they are getting scrutinized for playing good baseball for the month of April. Clay Buchholz gets named AL player of the month and then is accused of doctoring the baseball. WTF that is the most stupidest thing I have ever heard and it was not an umpire. It wasn’t the MLB. It wasn’t even a player or manager of the opposing team that accused him. It was a fucking reporter for the Blue Jays because we kicked their ass playing GOOD baseball. Then because David Ortiz went on a hitting streak, he gets accused by a BOSTON media announcer for using PEDs. Since the accusations, my Sox can’t win a game. They are currently on a losing streak and even though they are tied for first place, that holding might end. Tonight we play the Blue Jays again. Lester is on the mound.

My city gets bombed. And now my home team is getting accused of misdemeanors. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am an avid baseball fan. I love baseball. It is the one thing that brings me joy, even if my boys lose. I am still happy to watch the game. But come on. Leave them alone. If Ortiz is using, the MLB will find out. If Buchholz is doctoring the baseball, they will find out. But the mentality has shifted. I hope things turn around for them. Players are afraid to do good because they don’t want to get accused of something that they are not doing. It is killing me to have my players, my TEAM in this rut because the media needs a damn story. I don’t know what happened to checking the facts before sending out a story. I think that has gone out the window. And it is hurting the players and the game.

not all disabilities are visible

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

I was coming home from Davis, riding on the bus and these two women were saying how young people (aka me) doesn’t have respect for disability or older people anymore. UM, hello. I was sitting in the disabled seat because I AM disable you fucking idiots. Just because you might not see it doesn’t mean I don’t have it. It got me really upset and if I had my cane I would have bopped them off the head. It kills me when I can’t give up my seat on the bus like I used to because it hurts me to stand and plus, the current bus driver was speeding and stopping short at every stop. I would have hurt myself if I had to stand. So excuse me if I chose to sit.

I already was in a bad mood. I only got six hours of sleep and had to get out to get my coffee because Isla Flores was calling my name. I just had to get out of the house today, even though it ended up down pouring rain at times. I had to get out anyways because I had to pick up my prescription.

I wrote another nasty letter to my therapist in the wee hours of the morning, basically telling her that I am going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. I thought of writing out the letter as a blog so people can see where my mind goes at night but it is too frightening to go back there. I wrote a lot of morbid thoughts trying to defend my decision to kill myself because of my pain. I came close to revealing my plan or at least my date but I refrained.

I don’t know why I am in a rotten mood. It is spring. No more snow and winter storms. I should be semi-happy but I am not. I know part of it is because of the pain I deal with every day. But mostly it is because I am just an unhappy person. I have never felt contentment for more than a few weeks in my life and I have never felt no suicidal feelings at any point in my adult life. I have always felt like I should be dead or that I need to die. After almost thirty-eight years of this, I think that being in the ground six feet under is a welcome.

a little bit about psych hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Had a frustrating session with my therapist today. She was all in my business on the transgender issues today for some reason. I don’t know why she brings it up and I just get really mad when she does because I feel like she is really getting into my personal business. I just feel like if I want to talk about it, I WILL bring it up, not her. She feels that I should be in a TG group, which I don’t want to be in. Right now I got so many different things going on in my head, the last thing on my mind is my TG. I am really struggling dealing with chronic pain all the time and wanting to escape from it but knowing there is no escape unless I am sleeping 24/7. Today I had a quick shower, less than fifteen minutes, and I still was in pain from standing that length of time. It sucks. I am supposed to have coffee with a friend of mine today. I am still waiting for his phone call to meet up.

The we talked a little about how yesterday fizzled me. I don’t know but I feel like I am going to explode soon with anger toward her. I know that part of the reason is that I brought up the roots of why I am suicidal, though it still isn’t quite clear. All I remember is that I wanted to die when I was eight years old. By the age of ten I was planning my death on my birthday because I didn’t want to make it to eleven. Greed spoiled that plan because I wanted to see what kind of gifts I got and I wasn’t going to kill myself on Christmas. That would be wrong as God would never have forgiven me (this was what I was thinking at the age of ten). I was depressed from then on but always kept it hidden from everyone. I tried to keep it hidden though some days I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I started moving away from my best friend in middle school. We were at different schools and different grade school levels. I didn’t want to burden him with my thoughts of death. He wanted me to see someone but I knew I wasn’t crazy so why talk to a counselor. I just thought that I would get in huge trouble if I spoke to some one outside of the family. Things that went on in the family, stayed in the family. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone what was going on. And it hurt because I was hurting. I don’t know why. My father was an asshole and still is. He cares more about himself than another person. He is part of the reason I turned out the way I did. My mother didn’t really do anything to stop my father from being abusive. She just let him have the run of the household like wives do. And my sisters dealt with it by turning to their friends. I didn’t have too many friends outside of school until high school. Then there was just this one friend but still I don’t think she knew just how great my suicidality was. We didn’t talk about it. We avoided feelings and just hung out and listened to music or do homework. We were the nerds in school. I didn’t mind it. Schoolwork kept my mind off things. Until everything fell apart during my freshman year. I can’t talk about the details because it will just trigger my PTSD. Even now I am getting anxious about it.

So with all this stuff that my therapist knows, why would my TG (transgender) stuff be at the highlight of my life right now? I know that she thinks that the reason why I planned a date is because if I don’t do something to change me, then I will die. But things have changed now. Yes I could move forward to my transition and be all good with that, but that still isn’t going to change the fact that I have chronic pain every day that isn’t helped with medication. Sometimes the medication does help. Sometimes the cream that my doctor prescribed helps. I didn’t plan or maybe I already knew that things are always going to be the same. I am always going to be in pain in some shape or another. And that is why I feel like I can’t go on anymore. It is my decision. No one has the right to stop me. They can try and prevent it by putting me in the hospital but that is no guarantee that when I get out, I won’t kill myself. More patient die on discharge than anything. And even the hospital knows this. They know that if you are chronically suicidal, they still let you out after a few days in. It’s like they are saying “well, we stopped the immediate threat of you killing yourself but we hope that by keeping you here we took that away. No, you are still suicidal? Well you can go home now”. I have had this happen to me time and time again. No I have not attempted while discharged but it left me feeling like no one cared or maybe they just didn’t believe that suicidality can lasts more than 3-14 days. And you know part of it is dictated by the insurance company that you have. It’s like the insurance company says when you are well and when you are not. Soon as you show some interest in groups and start participating in the hospital program, boom, ready for discharge, even if your life still sucks and you want to die. They don’t have time to deal with you wanting to die. Just want to know if today you are going to kill yourself. Because if you want to kill yourself next week or the day after that is fine. You can do that. And I love when they ask you will you come back if the suicidal feelings return. UM, hello, they never left!!

So in essence, you are better off not going in the hospital. The best course is to stay in outpatient treatment as long as possible. Because either way, you are still going to have the same therapist to deal with when you get out of the hospital unless you quit therapy. Then you truly are on your own.