Tag: writing

Random 50 ?s

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Found this on a bloggers site and it seemed easy, and my lack of posting so here is some MORE random information about me.

50 Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? no

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Friday

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? no

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? ham or turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No…

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? hell no

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Special K

11. . DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? sometimes

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Ben and Jerry’s cherry Garcia

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their personality

15 . RED OR PINK? Neither

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? low self esteem

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my job

18. ANY TATTOOS? No

19. DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES? playing internet games

20. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Not wearing any

21. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? beef pot pie

22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? radio

23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Navy

24. FAVORITE SMELLS? Lavender

25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? my niece

26. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? mountain hideaway

27. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? BASEBALL

28. HAIR COLOR? black

29. EYE COLOR? Brown

30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no

31. FAVORITE FOOD? currently: Pad Thai

32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings

33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? none

34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Alan Jackson tour shirt

35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter, I hate the heat

36. HUGS OR KISSES? hug

37. FAVORITE DESSERT? anything chocolate

38. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? neither, I don’t like to exercise

39. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? Computer

40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Far From The Tree

41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? don’t have a mouse pad

42. FAVORITE SOUND? favorite song

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Barcelona Spain

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? no

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? USA

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? USA

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? yellow

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? don’t have one

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS? good distraction

Cauda Equina Syndrome Thirteen years later

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

On this day in 2001, I was showing symptoms of Cauda Equina Syndrome and didn’t know it. I just knew I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t walk or feel my toes. As time progressed this would happen to my right foot and then I knew I was in trouble. I called my psychiatrist a couple days later because I had an appointment to see her. I told her what was going on and she said to call an ambulance right now. I never heard her be so stern before. And couldn’t figure out why she was freaking out. I was in another world of pain and misery that I really didn’t care. But I know that I needed help and I got it later that night. I was in the ER for hours before they finally figured out I have this “Cauda Equina’ syndrome, what ever that was. No one bothered to explain it to me. I was left on my own in figuring it out but I know that I couldn’t walk. I was twenty-five years old and I was in a wheelchair. The residents were telling me I had to have emergency surgery. I felt like I was in a daze, that this wasn’t happening to me. So I asked if this surgeon was a board certified surgeon. She wasn’t but she was “eligible” whatever that meant. I said no, I wanted a board certified surgeon or there was not going to be any surgery. So at five in the morning I got my surgeon and he said I was going to the OR in an hour or so. I bawled. I didn’t know what to do after this. I still kept thinking all I needed was physical therapy and pain meds and maybe a walking device and I would be ok. No, I had to have surgery to preserve what I was losing. Luckily my bladder wasn’t too much effected by all this and I had a good surgeon whose only mistake was putting me on the wrong antibiotic, which later caused a staph infection two weeks later. I still feel like if I was place on the right antibiotic, I wouldn’t have needed a second surgery to clean out the gunk in my surgical bed. I am just grateful they got it in time or I would have been in worse shape.

This happened over thirteen years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I guess you never really forget something like this happening to you. The most humiliating thing was that I couldn’t go to the bathroom on my own. It took several nurses to hold me up and another to wipe me off. You don’t forget something like that easily. You also don’t forget relearning how to walk again, this time with something called AFOs because your feet are still doing flip flops by themselves. You have no control over your feet. You have no idea where they are. Your balance if off and this is a terrifying time. Because it’s been more than three days and you still can’t feel your toes. Doctor said it would be three days and I would be up and walking. What a lie. He didn’t know the damage I suffered. He didn’t care that I was going to be in rehab for quite a while. His job was done. He did the surgery and that was what he was supposed to do. The rest was my job, though no one told me what it was. I had to figure it out all on my own. And I did figure it out months later when I was walking with a cane and visiting a support group for those suffering my condition. Some had it worse than I did. Some had it the same but had bowel and bladder problems. I guess I was one of the lucky ones that just had the foot drop and weird walking moves. I learned everything I could about the nerves and dermatomes. That helped me to understand where my pain was coming from.

Today I still have the AFO. It might not be the same one I had thirteen years ago but it works. It helps me walk without pain. And that is all that I care about at this point in the game.

similarities

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I just wrote up my journal entry from the other night and I can’t believe the similarities between my blog post “What I’ve Done” and the journal entry is. It is almost identical. my journal entry is a little more private but the thought process is the same. If you have already read my “what I’ve Done” post, there is no reason to read the password protected version. But if you do, send me a comment in this post and I will give it to you via email.

exhausted from all these appointments

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I was extremely exhausted yesterday. I went to my dentist appointment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The dentist was really good and didn’t hurt me while he scraped. I have no cavities, which I was thrilled to hear about. I still have my two baby teeth. They don’t have “adult ones” so I really need to start taking better care of my teeth. Because if they get injured or fall out, there is no replacement other than false teeth.

I came home and tried to sleep but I had therapy so I didn’t sleep too hard. I would sleep for forty-five minutes and then wake up. It was terrible. Then after therapy I figured I would have the afternoon to snooze. Nope. My sister called saying that my niece was sick and I had to pick her up. UGH. So now I had this sick kid that just wanted to cuddle with her germiness. Just great. Hope I didn’t catch anything. I washed my hands and I plan on taking a ton of vitamin D so I don’t get sick. No that is not a typo. Vitamin D actually helps the immune system because it helps a cytokine in the blood that is part of the immune system. Cytokines are like helper cells in the immune system, if memory serves correctly. I could have it wrong. But the bottom line is, Vitamin D is what you should take if you get a cold. I have not been really sick since taking it.

I am still exhausted. I still have an early appointment tomorrow that I am just dreading. I know it is just going to go like this, he sees me, examines me, and then says I have tendonitis. End of story. If he offers any other type of treatment, like a boot or a shot of cortisone, I will decline. I will be wearing my AFO just to show him that I have been treated for this before and I am sorry to waste his time and my sleep but my cranky PCP wanted to make sure that this was a foot problem and just a foot problem because God forbid it should be what I think it is, nerve damage that has messed up my foot! I am still nervous about this appointment because it is so early in the morning. I am afraid I will just go along with whatever he says because I am not awake enough to argue. Or that I will miss the appointment because the bus is late. As it is, I have to have my checking account on hold because I am not sure what the copayment will be. It will either be $15 or $40 (USD). It’s hard to say because I don’t know if this guy is in network or out of network. I won’t know until they run my insurance. I am still nervous about what he will do. I will die if I have to have x-rays done. Though he might just want to put me in a boot and see what that does but I am in an AFO so what good will that do me?? UGH, I am so frustrated and I haven’t even set foot in his office yet! (no pun intended!)

I talked with my therapist about self harming today. I told her my mother looked at the scars the other day. I felt mad because she touched me on my wrist and I hate being touched there without my permission. I actually hate being touched anywhere without consent, even if it is my mother. I have some pretty deep scars. We were talking about how I wish I could cut again to release my urges but she said that will open up a can of worms. What worms? Only thing it will do is want to make me cut more. And more. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need one cut to make me feel better. And then the idiot therapist brought up my book as if that is the source of all evil. UGH. My frustration has something to do with my book, yes I am not going to lie about it. But it’s not the only thing frustrating me. Today my group called me by my birth name and I got wicked pissed off. Granted this person doesn’t know me so I had to quickly diffuse the situation. An old time member called me by my real name and that is what caused everyone to call me by my real name. I am so frustrated with my transgender stuff it’s not funny. So throw that on the table as well for reasons to cut. Plus it has been more than ten years since I last cut. I want to feel the release again. But I know the last time that I did cut, I didn’t feel anything and wanted to go all nuts on my wrist. It took quite a bit of self control not to give in to that type of harming.

I am trying not to give in to it today. But damn it is so hard not to think of it helping me when all else has failed me. I keep thinking of the way it will feel. But at the same time I know what will happen when that feeling is gone. I will want more. And more. It won’t stop. Just writing about it is making me want to do it. I think I should stop here for now.