Tag: writing

doubts and fears about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

I don’t know what kind of day I have been having. It started very early, like 0430 early. I got some writing done. Had breakfast but that was the only thing I have eaten today. I am too tired to make something to eat. The leftover Chinese wasn’t enough to fill me up. I just had a banana. Hopefully that ties me over until tomorrow. Missing two meals is a big deal but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I saw my PCP today and he is trying to reassure me that I don’t have CES again with my foot problem. Meanwhile I am trying to convince him that I still have nerve damage in my foot. He wants me to see yet another flipping doctor. UGH. I will but I am going to keep my tongue in check when he says there is nothing wrong with me or that I just have a case of chronic tendonitis. If he decides to put me in a damn boot he has another thing coming to him. I am not wearing a boot. I wore one for almost three months and it didn’t do shit. Well it did do something, took out my hip flexor muscle. That felt so good (insert sarcasm here) NOT!

I had a chat with my therapist today. We talked about my doubts about my book. We also talked about my fears that I have. And the more we talked, the more I didn’t want to publish. Then my editor says she is changing her policy and I freak out so I IM’d her to find out if this includes me. I sent her two chapters of my book so she can get an idea of what my writing style is. I am hoping she will be ok with it. I really want to work with her and I think she wants to work with me. I just have one more payment for her and then it still is a waiting game on when she can fit me in. But all this waiting is driving me nuts. I have decided to print off the copy of the book and there are like six blank pages. I am printing blank pages that are costing me money! DOH! I figure I can read the book again and see of something pops out at me that I should change or add to. And what is really killing me is that I emailed my book to some people and they backed out of reading it. Didn’t have the courtesy of letting me know, for a MONTH now. I am kind of pissed but I understand that life gets in the way. But they should have let me know sooner rather than later!

So my therapist wants me to get someone to read it to give me some feedback on the book before it is published. Problem is, I don’t have many “real” people to do this. I don’t have a best friend that I can talk to about this and give him or her my book and let them tell me how it is. I might have to ask someone on Facebook to help me. I don’t know who else to ask. Course most of my status posts go ignored. Course I am at the point where I think publishing is going to open a can of worms I might not be ready for. This book is very personal, like my blog. But I don’t think my family reads my blog and knows how suicidal I have been over the years or that I poop and pee my pants every now and then or that I am even transgendered. They know that I suffered from a nerve injury. They know that I am gay. They know I suffer from depression. They know I have been hospitalized numerous times but they never knew why. This book is the why. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. Part of me just wants to say the hell with the editor and hit send to publish it and another part of me wants to just delete the book. Do all writers feel like this when their baby is finished? Or is it just me because I am a suicide attempt survivor? I don’t know. I never have written a book before now. If anyone reading this can provide some input in the comments, I would be most appreciative.

My therapist thinks it’s a wonderful thing that I have written a book because no one has before. I find that hard to believe. Granted my book deals with a lot of issues and illnesses. I just hope that I can make it coherent enough to explain the different sides that all contributed to my suicidality. My therapist thinks that I should write an Epilogue to say all this stuff. But I think the intro will do that just fine. My only fear right now is that it will be too much for my editor. I don’t think she has dealt with this kind of stuff before. And I am worried that it will overwhelm her and she pulls out an all stop.

Rambling 64

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

The other day, I was at Starbucks for a long time. I had written something that I thought was good but when I typed it up last night, I found out it was terrible. UGH. I hate when that happens. I don’t think I can complete my short story on darkness. It’s hard to write about it when I don’t feel like that all the time now. I guess I should be thankful for it but I like when I am able to write good stuff while in a dark mood.

I am in pain today. I was emptying the dishwasher and banged my bad leg on it. It caused a nerve pain attack and I had to take some medicine to get it under control. My therapist rescheduled our appointment today so I can get some sleep. I still am having bad sleep and weird dreams. Last night I was dreaming about rats being born and having to fling them to crocodiles so they can be safe…don’t know the meaning of that!!

Last night my father called me to see if I had cancelled his appointment for today. I didn’t cancel it but knew because of the snow, we wouldn’t be there anyway. I also tried to tell him about his lab results but he hung up on me before I could tell him. Frustrated the hell out of me. I don’t know why I bother. And it seems he always has his girlfriend on his mind because he calls me her name. UGH!!! I have yet to meet this woman and I doubt that I will because my father just doesn’t think that way. Not that I really care but he has been seeing her for a while now and you would think that we should have met her by now.

Today’s blustery blizzard has been cancelled. HAHAHA most of the schools have been canceled for nothing. The kids have a day off because the weatherman got it wrong. Idiots. I can’t stand the weathermen. They are always different. Each one has their own view of what the weather is going to be and they are mostly 40% right. It is cold though so I won’t be going out for my latte. Course I couldn’t anyway because I banged up my leg. I might have coffee later. Yes, a cup of Pike coffee sounds delicious!

I have been in a bad mood for most of the day, before I whacked my leg. I was kind of pissed off that I was again up before eight in the morning. I can’t stand waking up that early. So when my therapist texted me to say she had to reschedule, I took a much needed nap.

I feel better now that I had some pain meds on board and had a snooze. Pain isn’t as intense as it was. It is really cold out as I found out when the Chinese food delivery guy came with my lunch. I hope it warms up somewhat tomorrow. I have to go see my PCP for my monthly pain management plan. I haven’t seen him since November because his schedule has been full. I hope he doesn’t give me a hard time. I have been doing okay pain wise for the past month or so. Today I was only in pain because whacked my leg. Not a good thing when you have a nerve injury.

rambling 63

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I didn’t think I would write today. I am kind of not really in a writing mood. My writing mojo has ceased to be and I am kind of depressed about it. I posted a status about losing my writing frenzy and a person liked it. I hate the like button as it truly doesn’t reflect things. Does the person really like that I can’t write anymore? Or are they just showing support somehow through, “liking” a status. Same can be said of the blogs. How many of us have just scrolled through the reader and just hit “like” because the first few sentences were enticing. I have one blog that I follow that is just of clouds. I like this blog because some times the patterns are pretty and amazing. Other times they are not. I don’t scroll through the reader every day like I used to. Not too many of the blogs that I follow post every day so I check it every few days.

My football team lost tonight. It was a sad loss. I don’t think my team is ever going to make it to the SuperBowl again.

Tomorrow I am heading out to see my optometrist because I want his opinion on my eye situation. My psychiatrist wants me to see an ophthalmologist but I don’t have an appointment until May and I am hoping that seeing him might bring up the appointment. I think I can wait but the intervals of my eyes not focusing are getting more frequent than they were before. Either that, or I am just becoming more tired everyday. Funny how you take your eyesight for granted until something happens to it. I am not saying I am losing my eyesight but if I have to rest my eyes more because of the increased use of the computer, this is going to suck. I get anxious when I can’t read or use the computer and everything is blurry. It doesn’t happen all the time. It is worse in the morning and evening than it is during the day. I just hope when I see my eye doctor, his office doesn’t expect a copayment as I don’t have it. I hate copayments. I think they are just a nuisance.

I have been sleeping for the past few hours or so. I got really tired after the game. I hope I can go back to sleep for the night. I think I will be able to. I just took my night time meds and soon will take my pain meds as my ankle is more painful than I can stand. I don’t know why that is. I haven’t done anything at all today except watch TV. I was trying to get caught up on Major Crimes and failed short of doing that because of the game. Jeri Ryan from Voyager (Star Trek) is playing the defense attorney and she is a bitch! Love seeing her again, even if it is a bitchy role. She is one hot ticket.

Tomorrow I will need to shower and brush my teeth. Yes, these two things have to be the priority of the day. Just hope that I don’t gag when I brush. I still have to call the dentist. I am so dreading seeing them because I know I will be reprimanded for failing my dental hygiene activities. I don’t know when I stopped caring about brushing. It has been years since I have brushed consistently. I don’t mean to write this to be gross just as an observation as those suffering depression often neglect these things, depending on the severity of depression. Course my reasons for stopping to brush have more to do with nausea and gagging than for depression itself. I would always throw up while brushing in the morning so I stopped one day and really haven’t gone back to it. I will if I am not nauseous and can “get away with it” so to speak. It all has to do with timing. I got to make sure my stomach is empty or half full so I don’t throw up all its contents. So because of this, I have stopped brushing.

beyond tired and darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, writing

I had three important phone calls to make today, well more like for the past several weeks, and I have been procrastinating on all of them. Today I decided to make one. It was nothing major, just an eye appointment because my vision has not been focusing on thing lately and especially when I am tired, I can’t read or use the laptop anymore because everything is blurry, even with my glasses on. This receptionist was a nitwit. She basically had the impression that I was not worthy of coming into the practice for whatever her reasons were. She (who is not a doctor by the way) thought it would be more prudent to my neuro-ophthalmologist when my doctor specifically told me a regular ophthal was ok. I got really frustrated very quickly. Then she had the audacity to give me an appointment “but to call soon so you can cancel it”. I don’t know what bee was in her bonnet but I am going to call on Monday and try to get another receptionist and another appointment that isn’t five months away! My eyesight hasn’t gotten worse, and I think it’s mostly due to migraine activity but I am not a doctor so I can’t make that assumption! And what really pissed me off was that my information was in the computer. The other receptionist who left me a message to call because I was a “new patient” when I filled in the online web appointment. What a jerk. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her what was going on and also made an appointment with my optometrist to let him know what is going on because I need some fucking answers. I can’t have my eyes decide to go screwy with me when I need them to focus. It makes writing and reading very difficult.

I say this because I am beyond exhausted. My eyes are really tired and I know soon they will not focus on anything I try to make them focus on. So blogger chat friend, I might not be able to chat with you later. I think I am getting a migraine because I am so tired. I have been up since 630. I had a long morning with my father and his stupid doctor appointment and we still have no idea why he is so tired. I think it is because he has a virus. But then most things are always viruses when you go to the doctor anyway. You can have a clear case of bacterial pneumonia and they will call it a virus until you run fevers and chills to give you antibiotics. And in the age of superbugs, I don’t doubt their holding off. But I digress. This blog isn’t about antibiotics.

I have felt really sleepy today but have not had a nap. I actually woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. And once it went off, all I want to do was shut it off, roll over, and sleep. But I had my coffee at Starbucks so that helped to wake my brain up for a bit. I was so sleep deprived I didn’t bring a book or notepad like I usually do when I take my father to his doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t concentrate anyways.

I keep thinking about ending my life. I just really want to know what would happen if I weren’t around anymore. My father won’t be going to doctor’s appointments anymore but that is the least of my worries. I really want to see my niece graduate high school this year. But it all seems so far away from me. Everything seems so far away from me, my book, my life. All too far from my reach. It’s like being cloaked in darkness and trying to reach out into the light but nothing is there and all that is, is more darkness.