black dog

The black dog seems to be rearing its ugly head around the same time every night for the past four weeks. I have been so down that I just have not made it in to see my psychiatrist. Not much she can do for me anyways. It’s not like she can put me in a cast and tell me I will be better in 6-8 weeks. I have been on every medication out there and nothing seems to help me. I just want to give up. The feelings of hopelessness are strong. I can’t seem to shake the worthlessness I feel nearly every day and the self hate that goes with it.
The other night I found an old script written in 2009 in my journal for an AFO (Ankle Foot Orthotic). Seems if I had gotten that PT order in, I might not be disabled today and out of work. I have no one to blame but myself for being too lazy to see that I needed an AFO sooner rather than later. I really loath myself and all that I do. I just can’t help thinking that I am the saddest human on the planet. There is no hope for me. I try to give it for other people, hoping my story will inspire some. I just don’t want to be anymore. Living is just too hard. It hurts every day in some form or other. I can’t get over feeling so horrible day in and day out. I wish that I could just pass away in my sleep. Things would be easier that way.
There is a question on the ballot for passing a law for assisted suicide. The supposed pharmacist says that 100 seconal tablets would be enough for some one to die. And “they call that dying with dignity”. I say that it is. I will say yes to question 2 because I believe that everyone has a right to die the way they want rather than to have their cards played the way they are supposed to. Why should someone with Alzheimer’s or ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease) be allowed to die a slow and painful death knowing there is no cure for them. I just don’t understand how people can allow other people to suffer and yet euthanize a cat or dog so they “don’t suffer anymore”. Why is it more humane to kill an animal over a human being? I just don’t understand it. Why is dying with some sense of faculty so difficult for people to understand? I know that people who think about suicide are not really rational, but I have been suicidal for so long, I have to wonder whether I have become rational in my thinking. I can justify taking my life because I do not want to suffer anymore. I can’t bare to breath at times. Taking in a breath hurts like a person with asthma struggles to breath during an attack. I have to force air in my lungs when I don’t want to. I feel so dead inside. I swear my brain just doesn’t know that I am dead so it just keeps on functioning the way that it supposed to. I feel like I am on life support with no one able to pull the plug but me. But the plug is out of reach…